


We All Get Lost Sometimes.

by thesameoldfairytale



Series: Standing at the Point of No Return. [5]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aged-Up Otabek Altin, Aged-Up Yuri Plisetsky, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anger, Angst, Consensual Sex, Doubt, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Rollercoaster, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Guilt, Hand Jobs, Heartbreak, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mood Swings, New Relationship, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Touching, Non-Graphic Violence, Non-consensual sex, Panic, Self-Blame, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Assault, Shame, Swearing, Trust Issues, past self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-10-20 08:26:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 84,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10658754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesameoldfairytale/pseuds/thesameoldfairytale
Summary: Following their NYE adventure in Almaty, Yuri and Otabek thought they would have to suffer through six and a half weeks of separation before they would get to see each other again, but things quickly take a pretty nasty turn and they suddenly have to deal with a lot more than just the distance between their home rinks.





	1. I Won't Let Go.

**Author's Note:**

> In accordance with the previous parts of this series, Yuri is 19 here and Otabek 23. Obviously you don't have to but I would highly recommend reading the first four parts of this series, or even just the last one, otherwise you might have a hard time understanding a lot of references in this story. 
> 
> Nothing here is beta'd and the format is a little different this time. Please always keep the rating, archive warnings and tags in mind.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otabek is determined to settle some things with his friends while Yuri's happiness fools him into thinking that he is invincible.

**_Sunday, 1 st January, St. Petersburg, 9.03pm_ **

His trip didn’t quite go the way Yuri had planned, or hoped rather, when Victor and Katsudon had told him that he would be visiting Otabek, but at least it had ended the way he had wanted it to.

As soon as the plane came to a standstill at the gate, Yuri turned his phone back on. The flight to Almaty had been bad enough because of all the anxiety and uncertainty inside him then, but the flight back to St. Petersburg was even worse. Yuri had no idea how he was supposed to get through the next six and a half weeks before he would get to see Otabek again, at a competition no less, which meant they wouldn’t even get to spend all their time together.

It had been around seven hours since they said their goodbyes and Yuri was already feeling miserable. He should be on a high now that he finally knew that Otabek returned his feelings, but the distance between them put a damper on things fairly quickly.

Yuri’s phone vibrated briefly in his hand while he waited for all the passengers in front of him to finally disembark from the plane.

 **Beka <3:** _Can you come back please???_

He couldn’t help but smile at that, surprised at how easily Otabek made him do that even from over two thousand miles away. Yuri quickly typed a response.

 **Yuri:** _Just landed… and everything sucks already._

 **Yuri:** _I miss you…_

**_Sunday, 1 st January, St. Petersburg, 9.55pm_ **

It was fairly easy to ignore Victor’s blabbing on the way home but once Yuri dropped his bag in his room, it was suddenly impossible to ignore the old man’s chatter.

“So, did you have fun with Otabek?” Victor asked, way too cheerily for Yuri’s taste.

“Like you care,” Yuri spat out and went into the kitchen to make himself some tea. Potya followed him immediately, sneaking around his legs and purring.

"I do," Victor said and leaned against the kitchen counter, grinning.

Yuri just rolled his eyes as hard as he could. He got his favourite purple mug out of the cabinet and poured the boiling water in it, once he found the peppermint teabags he was looking for.

“Just leave him alone, Vitya,” Yuuri chuckled while he was getting himself some water from the fridge.

Katsuki grabbed Victor by his arm and dragged him out of the kitchen. “Come on, let’s go to bed,” Yuuri mumbled, and then added, “welcome home, Yurio.”

Victor was stumbling out of the room but barely resisted his husband’s grip on him.

“Yurio, I really want to knooooow,” Yuri heard him shout before their bedroom door fell shut behind them.

All Yuri wanted to do was pass out on his bed and cuddle Otabek’s teddy bear. It was the only thing he had now that could even remotely make him feel like Otabek wasn’t actually a five-hour flight away.

**_Monday, 2 nd January, Almaty, 6.11pm_ **

Otabek just finished his first practice of the new year but even his coach tormenting him didn’t distract him from the guilt that was still sitting in his gut. He needed to do something about it, so he decided to call Ezra before he went to the shower and got changed.

Ezra picked up after the second ring.

“Hey Beka,” Ezra greeted him, but he sounded nervous. “What can I do for you?”

Otabek took a deep breath before he replied. He _wanted_ to talk to Ezra but that didn’t mean he actually knew how to do it.

“Hey,” Otabek said, “any chance you want to come around for a drink in an hour?”

He already hated this, and Ezra hadn’t even said yes yet.

“I’m working nights the rest of the week. How about Saturday?”

Otabek huffed out some air from his lungs that he didn’t know he was holding. Saturday would be good. Saturday would give him time to really think about what he wanted to say to Ezra. Otabek still hadn’t decided if he was just incredibly angry at Ezra or if he was actually a little grateful for forcing him to see how he felt about Yuri by practically devouring the younger Russian in front of his eyes.

“Yeah,” Otabek eventually said, “Saturday sounds good. Just let me know later what time.”

This could only go either one of two ways, bad or worse.

**_Tuesday, 3 rd January, St. Petersburg, 1.13pm_ **

It was only the second day back at the rink but Yuri thought he had been skating for two weeks straight. Every single muscle in his body was aching and Yakov’s constant bellowing was driving Yuri insane.

Not even a break for lunch made him feel better, actually it made him feel worse. He’d much rather just keep going and go home an hour earlier. Getting started again after a break was just so much more exhausting.

 **Yuri:** _Yakov is kicking my ass. Send help._

He didn’t really expect a reply, considering that Otabek was most likely not a break but his phone buzzed only a minute later.

 **Beka <3:** _Want_ me _to kick your ass? Would that help?_

Yuri could feel himself blush when he read the text message. He was sure Otabek didn’t really mean it the way it came across, but he couldn’t help himself, and he couldn’t help the reply his fingers seemed to automatically type either.

 **Yuri:** _You can do a lot of things to my ass, Beka, but kicking is pretty far down that list._

“Yuri,” Mila suddenly shouted from the middle of the ice. “Break’s over. Get your ass over here.”

**_Wednesday, 4 th January, Almaty, 9.24am_ **

**Yuuri Katsuki:** _Otabek, what did you do to Yurio while he was visiting you?_

 **Otabek:** _What??_

**Otabek:** _Is Yura ok?_

**Yuuri Katsuki:** _Yeah, he is but he’s smiling all the time. It’s weird. And I saw him blush yesterday. Something’s up._

Otabek only smirked at that. He didn’t respond.

**_Thursday, 5 th January, Almaty, 7.54pm_ **

Sipping his hot tea, Otabek was waiting outside of Asel’s apartment for her to get home from her last class of the day. He didn’t know why but he knew Asel’s university timetable inside out.

Asel didn’t make him wait long thankfully. She came around the nearest street corner just a minute later.

“Hey,” she said hesitantly when she spotted Otabek, who only smiled in response.

“Can we talk?” he asked her, offering her the second cup of tea that he had placed on the steps besides him.

She took it gratefully before she moved past him to open the door to the building. They walked up the stairs in silence and Otabek could feel how uncomfortable Asel was, but he hoped that she could sense that he wasn’t mad at her anymore. He certainly wouldn’t have hugged her goodbye on New Year’s day if he was.

“Are you still angry with me?” she asked immediately as soon as she closed the apartment door behind them.

“You know that I’m not,” Otabek comforted her.

They sat down at the dining table in the kitchen. Otabek hated the way Asel looked at her cup of tea so sadly. It was so far away from what she was usually like; confident, sassy, stubborn.

“I’m not angry with you, ok?” Otabek repeated himself. “It was just a bit of a shock. That’s it.”

Asel looked up at him but the look in her eyes was heart-breaking.

“I’m sorry I lied to you,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Otabek took her hand and stroked the back of it with his thumb.

“I know,” he assured her and pulled her into a hug.

**_Friday, 6 th January, St. Petersburg, 8.13pm_ **

“I swear to God, Yuri,” Mila said, impossibly exasperated, “just pick something out.”

Yuri was standing in front of his closet trying to find an outfit he liked. They were planning to go out since Victor and Katsudon had invited Chris and Phichit over as some sort of belated New Year’s party. Yuri didn’t know what the fuck that was supposed to mean but he didn’t really give a shit as long as he got to go out dancing.

“It’s not that fucking easy, baba,” Yuri retorted. “Looking this good takes time,” he added, gesturing his own body up and down, one eyebrow raised teasingly.

Mila pushed Yuri out of the way and sorted through his wardrobe. She picked out a black pair of tight jeans that sat dangerously low on Yuri’s hips and a dark grey tank top that revealed his collar bones in a way that certainly wouldn’t hide the few fading marks Otabek had made that were still left.

Yuri looked at the shirt and debated for a moment whether or not he could pull this off, especially since he hadn’t told anyone about him and Otabek yet.

“Fine,” he eventually growled and snatched the clothes out of Mila’s hands. “Get out.”

Mila winked at him, obviously satisfied with herself, before she left Yuri’s bedroom so he could get changed.

**_Saturday, 7 th January, Almaty, 3.14am_ **

The harsh sound of a phone vibrating pulled Otabek out of his slumber. He was strangely aware of Asel’s head in his lap when he rubbed his eyes with the back of his palms, trying feel awake enough to find out whose phone was making that awful noise. Otabek looked around in the darkness, the flicker of the television screen barely bright enough for him to see Temir and Meiz cuddled up on the other couch.

Carefully sliding out from underneath Asel’s head, Otabek made sure he didn’t wake her up, before he went over to the bar in his kitchen where the culprit of the shrill noise was vibrating its way across the flat surface. The oven clock told Otabek that it was 3.14am in the morning.

He picked up the phone only to find that it was his, but even more surprising was the fact that Yuuri was calling him at this time of the night. As soon as his brain had processed that information, panic suddenly started rising inside him.

 _Yuri_. There was no other reason Katsuki would call him.

On the way to his bedroom, Otabek accepted the call quickly, scared and anxious about what had happened.

“What’s going on, Yuuri? Where’s Yura?” he asked, his voice close to breaking even though he didn’t even know yet why Yuuri was calling him, but there was something in the pit of his stomach that told him it definitely wasn’t good news.

“Hey Otabek,” Yuuri said casually, or at least Otabek thought it was supposed to sound casual but even those two words were filled with anxiety that was easy to pick up on.

“What happened, Yuuri?” Otabek asked again, now completely panicked.

He could hear Yuuri inhale deeply and there were other mumbled voices in the background, but nothing was specific enough to give him a clue as to why he was on the phone with Katsuki at 3am in the morning.

“Listen Otabek,” Yuuri breathed out and Otabek was sure he would strangle the other man if he were standing in front of him. He wanted to shout at Yuuri but managed to restrain himself.

“You know that Phichit and Chris are visiting us for the weekend, right?” Yuuri asked cautiously. Otabek had no idea what that had to do with anything but yes, Yuri had told him about that.

“We all went out to a club tonight. We had a few drinks, Yurio danced with Mila. It was all fun until…” Yuuri suddenly stopped and Otabek’s heart sank in an instant.

“God damn it, Katsuki! Spit it out! Where is Yura? Is he alright?” Otabek now shouted into his phone. He was pretty certain that his raised voice had woken his friends up but he couldn’t care less.

“Well, some bodybuilder type of guy went over to Yurio and Mila while they were dancing,” Yuuri said and paused again, and Otabek thought he was losing his mind. “He violently pushed Mila out of the way so that she fell on the floor and then he went up behind Yurio. He had his arms around him, pressing Yurio’s back to his chest and… and he kissed Yurio’s neck and his hands… they were all over him, under his shirt and over his mouth so Yurio couldn’t say anything… or scream... Yurio struggled and tried to wriggle free but the guy was so much stronger than him…”

Otabek felt the tears stinging in his eyes. He was fuelled with anger and despair so much that he didn’t know if he should be shouting and breaking stuff, or break down. There was no doubt in his mind about what Yuuri was going to say next.

“Yurio completely froze when the guy pushed his hand inside the front of Yurio’s jeans. No one did anything until Mila got up on her feet again and started screaming her head off. That’s when we saw what was going on. Victor and Chris ran over there, shouting and yelling at the guy, hitting him until he let go.”

Otabek was crying by the time Yuuri’s words registered with him. How could this have happened?

“Why did you let this happen, Katsuki? You and Victor are supposed to look out for him!” He couldn’t control himself anymore. The part of his brain that should’ve told him that none of this was Yuuri’s or Victor’s fault was shut down completely. All he had to work with was the other part of his brain that needed to place blame for what horror Yuri had to go through.

“I know, Otabek. I know. I’m so sorry, I…”

Otabek didn’t let him finish. He cut in again because he didn’t care for Yuuri’s apologies. They meant nothing.

“Where is Yura? Is he hurt?” he asked, forcing his breathing to stay calm when all he wanted to do was scream and throw something because all of this was just too much. As if the distance between him and Yuri wasn’t bad enough. Knowing something like this had happened to Yuri when he wasn’t there, made it all a million times worse.

“He’s fine… physically. We’re home now,” Yuuri explained.

“I want to talk to him,” Otabek said, and suddenly got up from his bed. He had no idea how he had managed to sit down before but it made no difference anyway.

Just before Yuuri began to reply, Otabek saw his bedroom door open. Asel, Meiz and Temir all poked their heads in, invisible question marks clearly lightning up in front of all of their faces. Otabek could see they were worried but at the same time he couldn’t deal with them just now. He didn’t send them away either.

“Victor is with him but he’s not talking to anyone right now, Otabek. I think it’s best if you try to reach him tomorrow,” Yuuri informed him.

“Then why the fuck did you call me about this in the middle of the night?” he asked angrily and as soon as he heard himself say that, he knew it was a ridiculous question. If someone, or Yuri of all people, would have told him about it the next day or even kept it from him entirely, Otabek would’ve been furious.

“I’m sorry. I just thought you should know,” Yuuri explained, and Otabek felt a ping of guilt. Calling him was the right thing to do. There was no reason to be mad at Yuuri because of it but the rational part of his brain was just completely turned off by that point.

Otabek ran his hand through his hair and pulled, at which point Asel walked over to him and grabbed his wrist so he would stop.

“I’ll be there later today,” Otabek eventually said into the phone.

Asel, Meiz and Temir were clearly confused but Otabek had no time to explain anything yet.

“What? You have practice, Otabek,” Yuuri responded on the other end.

“I don’t give a flying rat’s ass, Katsuki,” Otabek said, and even through the phone he could feel how Yuuri was probably flinching at his comment. “I need to make sure he is ok,” was all he then added in a tone of voice that clearly indicated that this was the end of this discussion.

Yuuri didn’t argue with him any further and Otabek eventually hung up without having talked to Yuri. He felt miserable. The fact that he hadn’t been there to protect Yuri was gnawing at him immensely.

“What’s going on, Beka?” Meiz asked at some point. The tenderness in her voice surprised Otabek greatly but he didn’t say anything about it.

Otabek sat on his bed, Meiz was kneeling in front of him with her hands on his knees while Asel was sitting beside him, rubbing soothing circles on the small of his back.

“Yuri got sexually assaulted while he was dancing in a club,” he explained so calmly that it was almost eerie, even to him.

It was all Otabek could bring himself to choke out before he completely broke down.

**_Saturday, 7 th January, St. Petersburg, 3.36pm_ **

Otabek was surprised when he found Chris greeting him at the airport. They had never really talked before, at least not without Victor or Yuri around, but Otabek was strangely relieved to see a familiar face, whichever one it was.

The ride back to Victor’s apartment felt like an eternity. Otabek was itching to see Yuri and as soon as Chris had stopped the car, he got out and ran up the five flights of stairs instead of taking the elevator.

Phichit was waiting at the door but Otabek just stormed passed him when he saw Yuuri and Victor standing near Yuri’s bedroom door. He almost threw his bag away from him and walked straight up to them, coming to a halt just inches away from their faces.

“This is on you two,” Otabek hissed. “This would not have happened if you had kept your eyes on him.”

He could feel himself get angrier with every word he spat at the two of them. Only when Chris came up behind him and grabbed him by his arms did he back off.

“Otabek,” Yuuri began but he was obviously not brave enough to say anything else or he didn’t know what else he could possibly say to redeem himself. Victor looked so small suddenly, quietly hiding behind Yuuri.

Chris still had a tight grip on him, so Otabek willed his body to relax and his mind to calm down. Anger wouldn’t make this entire situation any better and it certainly wouldn’t turn back time to undo what had happened.

“Is Yura ok?” he then asked no one in particular, and surprisingly it was Phichit who answered him.

“Mila is with him,” Phichit informed him. “He hasn’t changed his clothes or even said a word since last night.”

“I want to see him,” Otabek stated, “now.”

Yuuri and Victor stepped away from Yuri’s bedroom and Chris let go of Otabek’s arms.

Otabek forced himself to stay calm while he quietly opened the door. Yuri was curled up in a tiny ball on the far edge of the bed. His legs were pulled up so his knees almost touched his chin, his hands were buried underneath his head and his long blonde hair was hiding half his face. There was a leopard-print blanket draped over most of his small frame while Mila lay behind Yuri. She was stroking his hair but Yuri appeared to be asleep.

Once Otabek stepped into the room, he carefully took his shoes and jacket off. Mila noticed him when the metallic zipper of his leather jacket fell against Yuri’s desk chair as Otabek hung it over there. She turned her head around and smiled sadly at him when she saw him.

Mila had an obvious bump on her head which she probably suffered after the guy at the club had pushed her to the ground. He was sure there were more bruises on her body but he couldn’t see any other obvious injuries as she wore a pair of long pink sweatpants and a long dark blue hoodie, her red hair in stark contrast to both items of clothing.

She took another look at Yuri and then quietly moved away from him to get off the bed. Otabek wrapped his arms around her when she came walking towards him. He pressed a kiss to her temple and asked her quietly if she was ok, to which she only nodded in response.

When Otabek loosened his grip around her, she stroked the side of his face once and whispered, “he needs you now.”

Mila gave him another half-smile before she turned to leave the room.

Otabek swallowed heavily when he returned his gaze to Yuri. He never thought he would have to see Yuri this way, so small and helpless, the complete opposite of what he was actually like. It pained and angered Otabek so much to know that someone had touched Yuri without his consent, and especially that Yuri had completely given up in that moment, that his body had stopped fighting.

It was incredibly hard to keep his calm but when the urge to be there for Yuri overwhelmed him again, Otabek’s feet started to move. He pulled back the blanket that was wrapped around Yuri and got under it, lying behind him the way Mila had done before. Otabek stroked Yuri’s hair and kissed the top of his head. He carefully put his arm around Yuri and cautiously pulled him closer.

Yuri stirred a little at first and then shifted in Otabek’s arms. He turned around and looked up at Otabek, his eyes red and tired and completely empty. It was a horrible sight to see for Otabek. Yuri’s eyes looked like they had no life in them whatsoever.

It must have taken Yuri a few moments to realise that it was Otabek holding him because he didn’t react at all initially, but when he did he flung his arms and one leg around Otabek, and held onto him like he was never going to let go again. Yuri started sobbing instantly then and Otabek hated the fact that he couldn’t do anything to help him other than hold him.

Otabek registered the door opening in the distance behind him but he didn’t care enough to check who it was or what they wanted. Nothing and no one other than Yuri mattered. He felt his own tears rolling down his cheeks, disappearing in Yuri’s golden mane, while Yuri seemed to finally let out all the emotions he had been holding in since the incident.

**_Saturday, 7 th January, St. Petersburg, 5.41pm_ **

Yuri had been crying in Otabek’s arms for at least an hour when exhaustion finally took a hold of him. Otabek had let him relax and hopefully find comfort with him but at some point the sight of Yuri’s clothes was making Otabek sick.

He carefully leaned away from Yuri, which he regretted in an instant. At the loss of his touch Yuri whimpered and Otabek could see how panic was threatening to overtake Yuri. Otabek leaned back in, stroked Yuri’s arm comfortingly and whispered to him.

“Yura,” he said lovingly, “I need you to get out of these clothes and take a bath. Wash it all off, ok?”

Otabek knew that a hot bath wouldn’t fix anything but it would be a start, and getting Yuri out of bed would help as well.

Yuri didn’t say anything, in fact he still hadn’t said a word since Otabek had arrived and it was beginning to really worry Otabek. He didn’t give any indication that he was opposed to a shower either though, so Otabek slowly moved away from him again, and this time Yuri didn’t make a sound.

Otabek took that as a good sign. He went around the bed to the other side and lifted Yuri up, helped him on his feet and then supported him out of his bedroom. Yuri did have an en-suite but the only bathroom with a bathtub in this apartment was Victor and Yuuri’s en-suite.

A brief look told Otabek that the others were all still there, sitting on the sofas in the living room where Mila was resting her head in Victor’s lap, but he had no time, and no interest, to pay them any attention. He didn’t even check with Victor or Yuuri if he could use their bathtub. Otabek highly doubted that they would mind.

He opened the door to the master bedroom and lead Yuri to the adjoining bathroom. Otabek quickly turned the hot water on and then took another look at Yuri, who seemed physically present but mentally very far away.

“Yura,” he said quietly, trying to get Yuri’s attention, “can you please take your clothes off?”

Instead of undressing himself though, Yuri grabbed the hem of Otabek’s hoodie and started pulling it up. Otabek wasn’t quite sure what Yuri was doing and stopped him, looking at him as if he would be able to find an answer just by watching him.

Raising his eyes to meet Otabek’s, Yuri then whispered, “don’t leave me.”

Yuri’s voice sounded so strange, like it didn’t belong to him at all.

“I am not leaving you, Yura. Not now, not ever,” Otabek responded immediately before he pressed a chaste kiss to Yuri’s lips.

He didn’t know exactly why but Otabek expected Yuri to pull away, to flinch at the touch but he didn’t. Instead Yuri wrapped his arms around Otabek’s waist and began crying again, silently.

“Yura, please,” Otabek pleaded with him now, more tears threating to run down his own face, “please get in the bathtub.”

Otabek didn’t know what was worse. Seeing Yuri so beside himself, so desperate and fragile, or the fact that he could do absolutely nothing about it. It was a literal nightmare come alive to haunt him for the rest of his life.

Yuri pulled at Otabek’s hoodie again and this time Otabek let him take it off just because he was out of options and didn’t know what else to do to try and get Yuri to undress himself. Cautiously reaching out for Otabek’s hands, Yuri put his fingers around his wrists and placed Otabek’s hands on his own hips. It took Otabek a moment to understand what Yuri was asking for.

“Do you want me to take off your clothes?” he asked hesitantly, but Yuri almost immediately nodded in response, although his eyes were still empty. Otabek wasn’t sure if Yuri was actually really there.

He did remove Yuri’s shirt and lifted it over the blonde’s head but when Otabek’s hands came to the button and zipper on Yuri’s jeans, the younger man _did_ flinch and his hips moved away from the touch.

Yuri was still holding on to Otabek by his upper arms, but he appeared very reluctant nevertheless.

“Please, Yura,” Otabek said again, his voice a pathetic whimper. Before he knew it, the tears were rolling down his face and Yuri lifted a hand to gently brush them away, but it didn’t help, it only made it worse.

Otabek felt absolutely useless and there was Yuri, seemingly trying to comfort him.

Yuri then slowly took his jeans off by himself before he went to do the same with Otabek’s. He turned the steaming water off and took one step into the bathtub, standing there for a moment before he raised his other foot into the water as well. Yuri got down on his knees, giving his body a chance to get used to the temperature of the water before he sat down with his knees pulled up to his chest. At no point did he let go of Otabek’s hand.

When Yuri squeezed his fingers, Otabek made a move to join Yuri and got into the bathtub behind him. He did the same as the blonde, one foot at a time, then on his knees before sat down, leaning against the back of the bathtub. Otabek washed Yuri’s back and his hair, all the while trying to touch him as little as possible. Seeing Yuri flinch at his touch when he tried to take his jeans off, made him feel something horrible inside that he wouldn’t forget any time soon.

Once Yuri’s hair was clean and all the shampoo washed out of it, Yuri turned on his side and leaned against Otabek’s chest. He curled up as much as he could in the limited space the bathtub provided him with. Yuri put his head directly above Otabek’s heart, and he started breathing evenly almost after a minute or so, in the same rhythm as Otabek’s heartbeat.

Otabek put his arms around Yuri again and held on tight. He had never felt this useless and helpless in his entire life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember the time I said the next part of the series would be a one-shot? Yeah... me neither... I have no idea whatsoever how many chapters this story is going to be so I'll just stop making promises. We'll just have to wait and see where this is going... ;)


	2. I Need to Know You Won't Let Go.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otabek struggles immensely wanting to help Yuri, while Yuri keeps getting to know his new demons. Turns out there's also someone close to Otabek who knows exactly what Yuri is going through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea if Yuri's cat is male or female but in my head she's a girl (and I think that was the name Kubo used in one of her instagram posts? Can't remember...).

**_Saturday, 7 th January, St. Petersburg, 6.31pm_ **

Once the water in the bathtub had gotten too cold, Otabek helped Yuri out again and dried him off. He had used the biggest towel he could find in the bathroom to cover Yuri up as well as he could before he had lead the blonde back to his bedroom.

Otabek had snatched a pair of grey sweatpants and a loose long-sleeved shirt from Yuri’s closet and did his best to support Yuri getting dressed again. Yuri’s hair was still wet and staining the pillow by the time they were back on the bed, cuddled up to each other, hiding from the world under the heavy duvet.

Yuri had his eyes closed but Otabek sensed he wasn’t sleeping. The grip Yuri had on him was too tight.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Otabek noticed Potya, Yuri’s cat, stalking over to them from where she had been lying on the carpet in front of the balcony door before. She jumped up on the bed with such grace that immediately reminded Otabek of Yuri when he was skating. It was an odd comparison but just so fitting when it came to the man in his arms. Potya walked over the mattress behind Yuri and then took another jump before she curled up just above Otabek’s and Yuri’s heads on top of the headboard, where Oabek had put their phones earlier.

Otabek reached up and stroked Potya briefly behind her ears. She started purring which obviously brought Yuri out of his stupor. He looked up at his cat and smiled sadly at her, but didn’t touch her.

“She’s always looking out for you, you know?” Otabek whispered, his eyes fixed on Yuri’s exhausted face.

Much to Otabek’s surprise, Yuri responded with a quick kiss pressed to his lips.

Otabek threaded his fingers through Yuri’s damp hair. He couldn’t bare the empty look in Yuri’s eyes anymore and he was so desperate to do something to breathe some life back into them, but he didn’t know how.

“I’m getting you something to eat, ok?” he told Yuri then, because he was out of ideas as to what he could do to make him feel better.

Pulling the duvet back a little bit so he could slip out from underneath it, Otabek suddenly felt pressure around his wrist. Yuri was grabbing him and quietly said, “don’t leave me.”

Those were the same three words Yuri had whispered earlier in the bathroom and they still sounded as alien as they did then. This wasn’t Yuri. It was not the person Otabek had asked to become his friend in Barcelona, or the person who had coaxed Owl into playing with him, and it was most definitely not the person Otabek had spent New Year’s with.

He really wanted to see _that_ Yuri again.

“Look,” he said to Yuri and pointed at his bag, shoes and jacket, “it’s all there. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll just ask Victor to make you some food, alright Yura?”

But Yuri didn’t let go.

Otabek resigned and inched closer to Yuri again. As soon as the blonde was nuzzled back into his chest, his head tucked in under Otabek’s chin, he got his phone from next to where Potya was still snoozing, and texted Victor.

 **Otabek:** _Can you please make Yura something to eat? He won’t let me go but he needs to eat._

He put his phone on silent and turned the vibration off as well. Otabek didn’t want anything to possibly startle Yuri. Victor’s reply came only moments later.

 **Victor:** _Of course._

**_Saturday, 7 th January, St. Petersburg, 7.04pm_ **

Otabek somehow convinced Yuri to let him get the food Victor made for them. The look on Yuri’s face was unbearable and Otabek had to look away from him as soon as he got up from the bed. He never wanted to see Yuri this broken again.

When he stepped out into the hallway and into the kitchen, the entire apartment was deserted just like Victor had promised. Him, Yuuri, Chris and Phichit took Mila home, and Otabek was grateful for the quietness.

He didn’t feel like talking to anyone, although he knew he had to apologise to Victor and Yuuri. Accusing them for what had happened when he arrived was probably the worst thing he could’ve done. His judgement had been clouded by anger and sorrow, but he should not have taken out his frustration on them.

Otabek saw steam rising from a deep pan and once he noticed that the contents were undeniably miso soup with spring onions and silken tofu, he had a slight suspicion that Yuuri was responsible for this, not Victor, but of course it made no difference. All he wanted was for Yuri to eat something and soup was probably a pretty good idea.

With everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours, Otabek had completely forgotten about his plans with Ezra as well. He got his phone out from his jeans pocket while he waited for the kettle to boil for some tea, ready to shoot Ezra a text, only to find that his friend had beaten him to it.

 **Ezra:** _Hey Beka! Asel told me what happened. I’m so sorry Yuri had to go through this. I hope you two are ok! Let me know if there’s anything we can do from here! Stay positive! x_

If it had been anyone else saying ‘stay positive’, Otabek would have lost his last nerve, but this was Ezra.

Ezra knew exactly how terrifying this all was. He was speaking from experience.

**_Sunday, 8 th January, St. Petersburg, 2.22am_ **

Yuri woke up in the middle of the night. It took him a moment to remember where he was but the bed and the moonshine coming in through the window felt familiar.

Potya was curled up in a little fluff ball right in front of his face. She cracked an eye open when she noticed him stirring next to her. Apparently satisfied that Yuri was alright, she went back to sleep in an instant.

Little did she know how far away Yuri really was from being alright.

The darkness scared him. It didn’t used to but it did now. He was torn between wanting to sleep and drowning everything out, and being too afraid to sleep because of what he might see if he closed his eyes. His body pushed him over the edge relentlessly, ever since it happened.

His mind went blank, forced into nothingness. Shame and guilt wouldn’t leave.

His body froze, went limp and gave up. A sense of numbness spread like wildfire within him.

The only thing keeping Yuri from relinquishing that last weak hold he had on his self-control, was that arm wrapped fiercely around his waist, refusing to let go.

His mind was still blank. Shame and guilt were still there.

But so was Otabek and he had promised not to leave.

**_Sunday, 8 th January, St. Petersburg, 8.09am_ **

The next time Yuri woke up, the sun was up as well. He squinted his eyes, trying to not look directly into the sunshine but it was no use. Since the curtains weren’t drawn there was no escape from the bright light other than to turn away.

So he did.

Yuri’s body ached from exhaustion. His half-closed eyes barely registered that the space next to him was empty. No one was there. He couldn’t even see Potya in the room. Most importantly, Otabek wasn’t around anymore.

Yuri shot up into a sitting position. He gripped the sheets so hard that his knuckles went white. His eyes scanned the room frantically, every inch of it, turning left, right, straight ahead and behind him. Nothing. Otabek wasn’t there.

Just like that, Yuri started screaming bloody murder.

It only took a second for his lungs to hurt like someone was pressing down on them, and then that feeling of the guy’s hand against his chest came back. There were fingers and lips on his neck, hot breath ghosting over his ear and a low growl asking him if he liked it, telling him that he looked so delicious. There was a palm covering his mouth but he kept screaming. He felt the guy’s erection pressing into the small of his back and a hand running up and down his bare chest under his shirt. Then there were fingers fumbling with the button on his jeans before a hand forced its way down and inside his underwear.

Yuri began tearing his clothes off. He pulled at his long-sleeved shirt without any real direction as to what he was doing. There were two small rips in it before Yuri managed to take it off over his head. He kicked his legs out, still screaming, and push his sweatpants down over his legs so harshly that his pretty short fingernails left red streaks along his thighs. Yuri was tugging at his briefs in every possible way, desperate to get them off, to not feel anything on him.

Everything happened so fast. He had no chance to catch his breath until Otabek came storming into his room, followed by the other four men who were still around in the apartment.

Yuri didn’t notice how Chris and Phichit immediately turned away when they saw Yuri naked and struggling with himself in his bed. He didn’t see how Yuuri’s and Victor’s eyes instantly teared up. Worst of all, Yuri didn’t recognise Otabek’s face when his friend pulled the duvet over him as quickly as he could to cover him up.

Still kicking and screaming, Yuri had no idea what was happening to him. He felt like he was completely detached from himself, looking down at his body and not being able to understand what he was doing.

He thought he heard Otabek’s voice coming from somewhere far away, calling out his name, pleading with him to calm down but he didn’t see him until he felt two hands on the sides of his face, forcing him to look into a pair of dark brown eyes.

Just like that, Yuri stopped screaming and silence fell over the entire room.

**_Sunday, 8 th January, Almaty, 12.51pm_ **

When Asel had told Ezra what happened to Yuri, he had not expected it to affect him as much as it did.

Sure, he had been crushing on Yuri when the Russian visited Otabek the year before and all of them had finally gotten a chance to meet Otabek’s best friend, but that was basically a blast from the past. By the time Yuri was back in Almaty for New Year’s, that puppy crush had been long gone, especially when Yuri had told him and Asel how he truly felt about Otabek.

It had felt weird to actually hear Yuri talk about Otabek that way. Ezra and the rest of their group had known that Otabek had a thing for Yuri for years. They were all immensely surprised it took them as long as it did to get together. The only reason he had kissed Yuri for his dare was to finally force Otabek to confront his feelings for his friend.

Now this had happened.

Most people always said things like they could only imagine what this and that felt like but Ezra actually knew how helpless Otabek was feeling, or rather how angry and lost Yuri was probably feeling, and it was tearing at his heartstrings.

The emotions Yuri was now forced to deal and live with, were something Ezra wouldn’t wish on anyone, not even his worst enemies.

 **Asel-hun:** _How are you holding up?_

Ezra couldn’t help but smile at Asel’s text. There weren’t a lot of people who knew as much about his past as Asel and Otabek did. He was worried about Yuri and Otabek, and how they managed to handle this entire fucked-up situation, and there was Asel making sure he was alright.

 **Ezra:** _Can you come over?_

 **Asel-hun:** _Sure. Give me half an hour. Put the vodka on ice._

One thing Ezra was aware of just as much as everyone else, was that alcohol was a good way to forget, even just for a little bit.

**_Sunday, 8 th January, St. Petersburg, 2.03pm_ **

Otabek thought he had never been this scared in his entire life. It had taken ages to calm Yuri down again and Otabek had doubted himself yet another time. Why couldn’t he do more Yuri? He wanted to make it better, make the pain go away, burn the nightmares and bury them somewhere where Yuri would never be able to find them ever again, but all he could do was hold Yuri and wait for it to pass. Otabek was sick and tired of not being able to do anything.

It was early afternoon when Otabek reluctantly convinced himself that it was ok to let Yuri sleep on his own for a little bit. Every fibre in his body told him to stay with Yuri, to not leave him out of his sight, but they were home. Nothing there would hurt Yuri, at least not physically.

Otabek walked into the kitchen to find Yuuri and Victor making coffee. It was strangely quiet in the apartment besides from the noise the kettle was making.

“Do you want a hot drink, Otabek?” Yuuri asked him nicely, and with a small smile but Otabek could tell that it was forced. Everyone was exhausted.

“Yes please,” Otabek replied instantly. Just the thought of something hot running down his throat made him relax already.

“Tea or coffee?” Victor enquired further, but Yuuri had already put a teabag in his mug and was pouring the boiling water on top.

Neither Otabek nor Victor said anything. When Yuuri also put honey and milk in front of Otabek, he couldn’t help but ask. “How do you know the way I like my tea?”

Yuuri smiled a little again, and this time it did seem genuine. “You’ve visited before, Otabek,” Yuuri said as if that explained everything, “and Yuri constantly talks about how he can’t stand the amounts of honey you put into your tea.”

Yeah, that did sound like Yuri.

Otabek was wondering where Chris and Phichit were, noticing how the silence in the apartment was starting to make him feel uncomfortable. He assumed that they had left for the airport to catch their flights home. Their trip was certainly not as much fun as they had probably expected, Otabek supposed.

“I owe you two an apology,” he eventually said, his gaze lowered, when Yuuri sat down opposite of him at the little counter that separated the kitchen from the dining area. Victor kept standing up, making Otabek even more nervous than he already was.

“It’s ok,” Victor reassured him, and Otabek couldn’t hide his surprise at the older Russian speaking up. “It’s not easy for any of us,” Yuuri added.

Otabek was grateful, no doubt about it, but he couldn’t shake his guilt that quickly.

“I had no right to snap at you or blame you for what happened. I’m sorry,” he apologised properly.

Yuuri reached out and briefly squeezed his hand. Otabek had no idea how overwhelming this entire situation would be, but then again, he never really expected to be in a situation like this in the first place.

“How’s Mila doing?” he asked then, worried about her as well.

“She’ll be fine,” Yuuri said. “Thankfully just a few bruises and a scratch on her ankle. She is pressing charges by the way.”

Otabek looked up at that. He didn’t even think about that, but now that he did, he wanted to see the bastard who hurt Yuri pay for what he did.

“She is? What about Yura?” he asked, trying to keep himself calm.

“He hasn’t said a word to any of us since it happened. We don’t know what he wants,” Yuuri informed him, and Otabek’s shoulders sank a little in frustration. He needed to get Yuri to talk.

Victor finally took the seat next to Yuuri, which made Otabek a little less anxious instantly. The tall Russian could be quite intimidating when he was towering over someone.

“I know the owner of the club we went to. There’s CCTV covering every inch of that place. The man who attacked Yurio and Mila is apparently well known to the security there,” Victor told Otabek, not missing a beat. “If Yurio decides to press charges as well, there’s video evidence to support his statement.”

Otabek let Victor’s words sink in for a moment but none of it made him feel any better.

“I’m worried about him,” Otabek admitted, before his voice broke.

**_Sunday, 8 th January, St. Petersburg, 7.47pm_ **

Thankfully Otabek had made it back to Yuri’s bedroom before he woke up. They spent a couple of hours watching nonsense on television, although Otabek was certain that Yuri paid absolutely no attention, and he couldn’t really blame him.

It was tough for Otabek to just sit and wait for Yuri to say or do something. He didn’t want to push him but at the same time and with every minute that passed by where Yuri still made no attempt to say anything, Otabek’s concern for the blonde only grew more.

Otabek’s attention was so fixated on whatever was showing on the screen that he didn’t even notice how Yuri reached out for the remote. Once the television screen went black, Otabek’s eyes immediately shifted to Yuri who was still snuggled up to his side. Yuri was like a human hot water bottle but Otabek didn’t care. He would do whatever Yuri needed him to do.

“Are you ok, Yura?” he asked, irritated by Yuri’s sudden movements.

The look Yuri gave him was impossible to read, and Otabek absolutely hated it. Yuri wasn’t an open book per se but they had grown so close that usually Otabek could at least guess what Yuri was thinking but this time, there was nothing.

“Why are you here, Beka?” Yuri whispered.

Otabek thought he had heard wrong. Did Yuri not want him around? Did he do something wrong?

“Do you want me to go?” he asked hesitantly in return.

Reading Yuri’s eyes then was no challenge at all. It was panic, again, only emphasised by his breathing that suddenly got very hectic.

“Yura, hey, look at me,” Otabek said, his hands back by the sides of Yuri’s face immediately, forcing him to focus on Otabek and only on him. “It’s alright. I’m here, ok? You’re safe. Nothing is going to happen to you here.”

Otabek could feel Yuri’s body relax beside him. Just then did Potya jump up the bed. She sneakily made her way into the tiny space that opened up between Otabek’s and Yuri’s chests, and curled up there.

Yuri reached down and stroked her back while Otabek let out a breath he wasn’t completely aware of holding in. The fact that Yuri showed interest in Potya was a good sign. She was his everything and watching him ignore her had been torture. It was a small step but an important one.

Noticing his phone blinking on the nightstand behind Yuri, Otabek was about to bend over him to get it but he was too afraid to make Yuri jump. He decided to take a chance.

“Yura,” he said quietly and waited until Yuri looked up at him, “can you please get my phone from the nightstand?”

Much to his surprise Yuri immediately turned around and grabbed the phone. He passed it over without any comment and went back to stroking Potya’s messy fur.

Otabek sighed but the corners of his mouth were lifted a tiny bit. He knew this would take time but he was counting on Yuri to deal with it the best way he possibly could. Yuri was one of the strongest people he knew and he was convinced he would get through this. For whatever it was worth, Otabek would always be there for him.

Quickly typing in his pin number (Yuri’s birthday which was incredibly lame, he admitted that) to unlock his phone, Otabek saw a notification from Instagram. Someone had tagged him in a photo.

 **RedheadMax:** _Sending lots of love and hugs to @otabek-altin & @yuri-plisetsky in St. Petersburg! We miss you two idiots! #Gingersayshi #thanksforthekeysBeka_

Otabek felt the tears in his eyes in an instant. The photo showed Maxim, Asel, Temir, Meiz and the twins in a selfie, all of them squished on one of Otabek’s sofas. Temir was holding up Ginger but she didn’t look very pleased about that. Otabek had given Maxim the keys to his place and asked him to feed Ginger while he was away.

He had no idea how long he was staring at the photo on his phone until Yuri brushed the tears away from his face. Otabek tried to smile at him but he knew he barely managed it. Instead he just turned his phone sideways and showed Yuri what he had been looking at.

“They’re idiots,” Yuri quietly dead-panned a moment later, only to then smile at Otabek. It was a small smile but it was genuine. The spark in Yuri’s eyes that Otabek had been missing so desperately was there, weak but present.

Doubt crossed his mind only for a split second, before Otabek dropped his phone and leaned forward to kiss Yuri. He was so anxious, fearing rejection but Yuri held on to him by his upper arm and returned the kiss.

**_Monday, 9 th January, St. Petersburg, 1.16pm_ **

It should be another, normal Monday at practice but nothing about this Monday was normal, at least not for Yuri.

Victor and Yuuri had headed off to the rink like they usually do, only was Yuri not with them this time. He hadn’t spoken to Yakov or Lilia but he assumed Victor would talk to them for him, which was the best thing to do anyway.

It was already past midday but Yuri was still sitting in bed with Otabek. He felt safe at home, especially with Otabek around. Only about sixty-one hours (not that Yuri was counting) had passed since he had been assaulted doing something he loved. Dancing was like second nature to him but now, just the thought of it made him shudder.

There was only one question that had been running around his mind since Victor had carried him out of the club and brought him home. Why me? What had he done that someone thought it was okay to force themselves on him?

Yuri couldn’t comprehend why someone would handle him the way this guy had but the worst part was that no one had helped. No one had cared what was being done to him, everyone around him too much concerned with themselves.

It was hard. There was that underlying sense of guilt and shame, and then there was the blame Yuri placed on himself, constantly. He was not the type of person who willingly handed over control, yet his body had completely betrayed him and had done exactly that, when he froze and had stopped fighting.

On the other hand, there was Otabek with him now. The only person Yuri had ever wanted to touch him and the freak from the club had taken that away from him. Yuri was aching for Otabek’s hands on him but his head screamed no every single time he thought about it.

Nightmares were bearable as long as Yuri woke up to find Otabek still next to him. The inner conflict he was fighting of wanting to be near Otabek and wanting to be as far away from anyone as he possibly could, was driving Yuri insane. It made no sense, he knew that, but he felt like he no longer had any control over his own thoughts whatsoever.

His bedroom door was open and he could hear Otabek in the kitchen, making tea and sandwiches, although Yuri wasn’t hungry at all.

Potya was curled up in his lap. She hadn’t really left his side since the incident.

His phone was sitting on top of the headboard and it caught Yuri’s attention when he looked around the room. He hadn’t really checked it since Friday night and he assumed it was blowing up with notifications. Obviously he didn’t tell anyone what had happened but he knew that quite a few people still knew, although he couldn’t say that he was pleased about that.

Yuri unlocked his phone (Otabek’s birthday, fucking pathetic) and scanned through all the emails, texts and other messages. He ignored the majority of them and then scrolled through Instagram.

It didn’t take long for him to find the photo Maxim had posted the previous day. Of course they all had found out about him, and Yuri found that he didn’t really mind in this case. They seemed to genuinely care about Otabek, and in turn for him, which actually made Yuri feel a tiny bit better.

The newest Instagram notification came from Meiz surprisingly.

 ** _MsMeiz:_** _My #MCM? These fucking assholes here… Just look at them, giving us all serious friendship envy! #NewYearswasthebest #Iloveyoutwodorks @yuri-plisetsky @otabek-altin_

The photo the caption belonged to was taken on New Year’s Eve, probably some time shortly after everyone had arrived at Otabek’s apartment. It showed Yuri and Otabek sitting next to each other on the sofa, legs touching, while Otabek had one arm behind Yuri, his hand either propped up on the cushion or touching Yuri’s back. Otabek was whispering something in Yuri’s ear, and Yuri was leaning over into him, his hand resting on Otabek’s thigh. Yuri was smiling happily.

He didn’t remember someone taking a photo and it pained him seeing it now. New Year’s Eve was only nine days ago but it already felt like it was a different lifetime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things have to get worse before they can get better, right?!
> 
> I'm going to get some ice cream now and please do the same... We all deserve it after those first two awful chapters...


	3. Bitte Gib Mir nur ein Wort.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out Yuri is not the only one who worries his loved ones, and just when Otabek thinks they're making progress, all hell breaks loose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you're all perfectly aware of this already, but in regards to this story, and especially this chapter, I do feel the need to point out that this is fiction. We all care deeply about these boys (at least I know I do, otherwise I wouldn't write these stories) but in the end this is all made up. Some of the things I incorporate in my stories are based on (and not a true reflection of) my own experiences, some things are not.  
> The way Yuri deals with his assault is unique to him. There is no right and no wrong way for people to heal and come to terms with what happened to them. Every single person who ever had to suffer through any kind of assault, has different coping mechanisms, different needs and different ways of handling it all. The things that Yuri does in this story are by no means intended to present a universal picture of how assault victims act and think, and how they're trying, or not trying, to heal themselves. There is no universal solution to something like this. Please bear that in mind whilst reading this chapter and the rest of the story. 
> 
> Translation:  
> Chapter title - Please just give me one word.

**_Monday, 9 th January, St. Petersburg, 6.41pm_ **

Yuri was sleeping a lot and even when he wasn’t passed out on his bed from utter exhaustion, he stayed silent.

Otabek didn’t know how to feel about any of it. On the one hand, the fact that Yuri wasn’t talking to him, let alone Victor or Yuuri, was really frightening, adding to it was also his worry that Yuri didn’t leave his room. It felt like Yuri was still scared, even at home.

On the other hand, Yuri seemed less stressed and anxious, at least physically. Otabek spent the majority of his time with Yuri cuddled up to him and he could feel how the blonde’s body steadily relaxed more and more in his arms. It wasn’t anything significant but Otabek took whatever slightly positive sign he could get, regardless of how small or big it was.

They had some sandwiches for lunch that Yuri barely touched, and Otabek had tried to get Yuri to talk to no avail whatsoever. Yuri had just stared at him occasionally and it was starting to really frustrate Otabek that he couldn’t tell what Yuri was thinking. Constantly worrying about Yuri took a toll on him and Otabek could feel himself getting more exhausted by the hour, even though they did nothing but sit or lie in bed all day.

That was most likely the problem, he realised.

Another thing that worried Otabek was that Yuri wouldn’t let him leave his side. Yuri even made sure that his bathroom door was open when he went to the toilet just so he could be certain that Otabek was still there. It was scary. Yuri wouldn’t shower without Otabek, he wouldn’t eat _anything_ unless Otabek did too, and he even wouldn’t change his clothes if it weren’t for Otabek helping him undress and put on new clothes again.

They had watched some more senseless television until Yuri had turned it off. He had put music on and then sprawled out on top of Otabek. That was pretty much the same position they were still in when it was time for dinner. Yuri had one hand around Otabek’s neck, the other one placed over his heart while he rested his head on Otabek’s broad chest with the rest of his body perfectly covering almost every inch of Otabek’s.

Yuri may have been as tall as Otabek was but he was still slim and light. It didn’t bother Otabek at all, having Yuri’s entire weight on top of him. It was comforting, if albeit worrisome, just like pretty much everything Yuri did or rather didn’t do for the past three days.

It would have been easy to think that Yuri was asleep but Otabek had watched him sleep so many times, he knew Yuri was awake even though his eyes were closed. He pressed a kiss to the top of Yuri’s hair which got him the reaction he was looking for.

Yuri raised his head and lazily opened his eyes to look at him. Otabek smiled down on him and pushed a few strands of Yuri’s shiny hair out of his face and behind his ear while Yuri almost greedily leaned into the gentle touch.

“Time for dinner, Yura,” Otabek said quietly, not taking his eyes off the man on top of him.

Yuri kept quiet, as expected, but he did roll away from Otabek a few moments later, which was more a little surprising.

Just the fact that Yuri seemed to be alright with him leaving the room to go out into the kitchen to get food made Otabek brave. He didn’t want to push Yuri but he had to start somewhere.

“Victor left a note this morning saying that Yuuri would make katsudon for you,” he said, trying to coax Yuri out of his bedroom. “We should join them.”

Otabek literally held his breath, fearing the worst in form of loud, vocal protest, but much to his surprise Yuri appeared to be debating the options instead of outright refusing his suggestion.

Getting up from his side of the bed, Otabek kept watching Yuri as he walked around to the other side to stand in front of him. Yuri’s huge but tired eyes were looking up at him, obviously unsure about what to do.

“It’s ok, Yura,” Otabek reassured him, “no one’s going to hurt you here. Victor and Yuuri love you. You know that. We’re just having dinner, ok?”

Otabek noticed how Yuri swallowed visibly but he took the hand Otabek extended to him. On the inside, Otabek wanted to burst into a million pieces. This was good. This was very good.

Yuri practically clung to his hand and arm, even during the few steps to the bedroom door but Otabek didn’t mind. He would do anything for Yuri, but they hit the first bump pretty quickly.

Otabek opened the door and Yuri froze next to him. They could hear the television in the living room as well as Victor and Yuuri chatting, and it seemed to be quite overwhelming for Yuri. Otabek felt his hand get squeezed even harder while Yuri inched impossibly close to him, although there already was absolutely no space left between them.

“Yura, look at me,” Otabek whispered, urging Yuri to turn sideways. He put two fingers gently under Yuri’s chin so he wouldn’t startle him, and then raised his head up so he could force Yuri to look at him. Otabek didn’t know why, but eye contact with him seemed to massively help Yuri when he got anxious and panicky.

“They are here for you, Yura,” Otabek repeated himself, and he knew Yuri was aware that he was talking about the two men in the living room who were practically his guardians, even though Yuri was 19 years old now. “You have nothing to be afraid of here. We all care about you.”

Otabek pressed his lips to Yuri’s forehead to make sure that his words really did sink in with Yuri, but he could only wait and see what Yuri was going to do.

It took a solid minute of Yuri concentrating on his breathing before he nudged his way forward only ever so slightly that Otabek would get the hint and take the lead.

Yuri was still glued to him, but Otabek thanked whoever was responsible for him taking this step.

It was only one corner before they came into view. Neither Yuuri nor Victor looked up, probably assuming that Otabek was on his own.

“Katsudon is ready. There’s plenty in case Yurio wants… Oh,” Yuuri immediately stopped talking when he noticed Otabek and Yuri standing there.

Yuri’s eyes were fixed to the floor in front of him, and he was half-turned into Otabek’s chest already but he was still there. He hadn’t run off yet, that was all that mattered.

The men on the sofa were staring for a moment. They obviously hadn’t expected to see Yuri just as much as Otabek hadn’t really dared to dream that Yuri would actually be out there either. Soon enough Yuuri scrambled to his feet.

“Please sit down. I’ll get you some food,” he rambled and immediately headed to the kitchen.

Victor said nothing, but Otabek did notice the tense look on his face, a mix between concern and fear. Otabek had never seen Victor like that before. It was a little unsettling.

There were three sofas in the living room, one large four-seater and two smaller two-seaters on each side. Otabek couldn’t help but expect Yuri to actually run off at some point, so he picked the couch that was closest to Yuri’s bedroom. He slowly moved forward and waited for Yuri to do the same, which he did immediately, most likely because he was probably starting to melt into Otabek by that point.

Seeing Yuri like this was scary, not just for him but obviously for Victor as well. Otabek saw how the older man’s brow furrowed in frustration when he watched him and Yuri.

Yuri had a tight grip on Otabek’s hand and arm, which made it a little difficult to sit him down. Otabek had planned to get them something to drink but it seemed impossible with Yuri clinging to him like this.

He gently pushed Yuri down into the corner of the couch that was closest to his room and furthest away from Victor and Yuuri on the other sofa. Yuri still didn’t let go of Otabek’s hand.

“I’m just getting us a drink, Yura,” he whispered, crouching down in front of Yuri who had pretty much curled up into a little ball, much like Potya normally did. “I’ll be right behind you, ok?”

That was obviously the wrong thing to say, Otabek realised as he saw that panic in Yuri’s eyes again, when he stood up. Yuri grabbed his other hand and harshly pulled him down so their faces were only inches away. Seeing Yuri’s eyes now was even worse. “Don’t…,” Yuri whispered, “leave me.”

Maybe it was the circumstances they were in with Yuuri and Victor being around, or maybe it was just being out of his bedroom, but Yuri appeared more desperate than before and Otabek was not ready to find out what would happen if he did let go of Yuri then.

He sat down next to him on the sofa and the blonde immediately reached out and pulled him as close as it was possible. There was no way Yuri could be comfortable wedged in between the armrest of the sofa and Otabek, but he didn’t seem to care.

Yuuri came over not long after with two full bowls of katsudon. He was clearly hesitant to give one to Yuri directly so Otabek took them both and passed one along to Yuri. A few seconds later and Yuuri brought them some water as well which Otabek was eternally grateful for.

They ate in silence, the television on a low volume, but Otabek could feel Victor and Yuuri’s eyes on him and Yuri. It made him incredibly uncomfortable so he tried his best to focus on Yuri instead.

Yuri appeared to be in his own world but he looked content, which was strange and reassuring at the same time. He finished the entire bowl, his first proper meal since Friday, and Otabek felt a sense of relief rushing through him.

**_Monday, 9 th January, Almaty, 9.41pm_ **

Asel had ended up staying with Ezra the previous night, even though she had to go to uni in the morning. They had gotten up early, Ezra because he had morning shifts all week and Asel because she wanted to head home for a quick shower and a change of clothes before uni.

Ezra did have Alisur to look after him, Asel knew that, but she still felt responsible for him somehow. She was so much smaller than the twins but she was still older than them, even if just by eight months.

Promising to be back in the evening, Asel had been reluctant to let Ezra go to work but she didn’t have much of a choice, at least there he would be distracted for a little while.

They were watching some weird horror flick on television that no one was really paying attention, when Alisur came home.

He walked past them and ruffled Ezra’s hair on the way to his room. Asel involuntarily had to marvel at them as she did so often. They were identical twins, so they looked basically the same but other than that they were absolutely nothing alike.

Ezra excused himself to go to the bathroom when Alisur came back and joined them in front of the television.

“Are you staying over again?” Alisur asked.

“If you don’t mind,” Asel replied immediately. She really had a hard time leaving Ezra alone, even though she was perfectly aware that he would be alright on his own.

“Of course not,” Alisur then shot back just as quickly.

Asel smiled gratefully at him. She sensed that he didn’t miss how anxious she was but she still had to say it.

“I’m worried about him,” she began, “I think what happened to Yuri brought back a lot of memories he tried so hard to forget.”

Alisur sighed loudly. There was no sign of obvious distress or concern on his face but Asel was sure he wasn’t ready to pick up the pieces again if Ezra were to fall back into old habits.

“I know,” was all he could say before Ezra returned from the bathroom.

**_Tuesday, 10 th January, Almaty, 10.09am_ **

Temir hadn’t admitted it to anyone, not even to Meiz, but he was anxious. He couldn’t imagine what Yuri or Otabek were going through, but he vividly remembered the way Ezra had fallen apart back then and how Alisur had struggled to keep him alive.

He thought he was suddenly transferred back in time to almost five years ago, and he promised himself that this time he wouldn’t chicken out. He would not be afraid.

 **Temir:** _When are you coming home, dude?_

 **Beka:** _Saturday I think._

 **Temir:** _Everything ok with Yuri?_

 **Beka:** _I don’t know._

 **Temir:** _How are you holding up?_

 **Beka:** _Not at all anymore._

**_Tuesday, 10 th January, St. Petersburg, 9.12pm_ **

They had spent another day mostly in bed and Otabek was at his wits end. He didn’t know what else to do.

“Sit up,” he said to Yuri, almost commanded. The questioning look on Yuri’s face was unbearable but Otabek was out of options.

“I said, sit up,” he repeated himself and this time Yuri untangled himself from Otabek’s legs and arms, and sat up.

Otabek scrambled to his knees himself but Yuri was sitting cross-legged in front of him, so he did the same and mirrored Yuri’s position. He barely sat there for a second when Yuri reached out and grabbed his hands.

Yuri had never been someone to shy away from physical contact when it came to Otabek but it was starting to get too much, obsessive even.

“You need to talk to me, Yura,” Otabek said, his voice already coarse.

In the four days since the incident Yuri had said maybe twenty words. All of them had been to Otabek. Yuri refused to talk to anyone else, and he didn’t even really talk to Otabek either.

“I understand that this horrible, _horrible_ thing happened to you, and I would do absolutely anything to turn back time and protect you from this asshole, but you have to start talking to me, Yura,” Otabek whispered, tears already threatening to escape his eyes.

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t look at you and pretend the way you’re acting is ok, because it’s not. I’m worried out of my mind watching you just waste away,” he almost bawled. “I need the real Yura back. The one that’s in there somewhere,” he added and placed his hand above Yuri’s heart.

Yuri put his own hand on top of his and that was the moment Otabek couldn’t hold back his tears anymore.

It wasn’t for nothing. Yuri heard him, even if he didn’t say anything, but he was there and he was listening.

Unexpectedly, Yuri gently put Otabek’s hand on the mattress beside them and moved around so he was kneeling in front of Otabek. He reached up and placed a hand around Otabek’s neck only to lean forward and kiss him.

Otabek was conflicted over what Yuri was doing, but it felt too good to push him back. He uncrossed his legs and went to sit on his knees without breaking the kiss.

Yuri pushed forward even more then, raising himself up the mattress and Otabek did the same. The kiss was open-mouthed although there were no tongues involved, and Otabek unashamedly cried into the kiss. He held on to Yuri by his waist, their chests pressed together.

Otabek didn’t know what this meant, what Yuri wanted it to mean. He wasn’t sure whether it was reassurance or distraction. Neither of these things would help wash his doubts away.

Eventually they had to break the kiss to catch their breath. They lowered themselves back down on the mattress but with Yuri’s hands around Otabek’s neck, he made sure their foreheads were still touching.

“I just want my boyfriend back,” Otabek whispered sadly, and only really realised a second later what he had said.

Yuri stared at him wide-eyed when he looked up at him. He was trying to think of something to say but Yuri didn’t really give him a chance to do that.

Leaning forward again, Yuri pushed Otabek a little sideways so he could fall back on to the mattress without hurting his legs. Yuri was on him in an instant and pressed their lips together once more. This kiss now was greedy, _Yuri_ was greedy. It was desperate and hungry, but tender and full of emotion. Two pairs of soft lips connected to each other, curious tongues ready to explore like they had never done it before, and willing mouths ready to give everything they had.

“I want to be your boyfriend,” Yuri mumbled when they broke apart for a moment.

Otabek smiled sadly, the tears on his face not forgotten but momentarily ignored, and threaded his fingers through Yuri’s messy hair.

“You are,” he replied and Yuri’s lips were back on his in an instant.

**_Wednesday, 11 th January, Almaty, 7.16am_ **

Alisur didn’t have to get up this early but he felt like he needed to. He made breakfast for Asel and Ezra before they headed to uni and work respectively.

The few words he had exchanged with Asel two days earlier was all he had said to anyone about his concerns for his brother, and he hadn’t even really said anything then. Asel had stayed over yet another night, which did help calm him down a little bit. It was good to know that Ezra wasn’t alone at night.

In the end it was Alisur though who had to fight long-forgotten demons in his sleep.

He clearly remembered the sight of Ezra at the hospital, seemingly broken beyond repair. He remembered Asel and Maxim pacing up and down the corridor when he arrived there. He remembered every word the doctor had said to him, and how their mother had broken down right there in the waiting room, how their father refused to even show up at the hospital and how the urge to punch something or someone had been so much greater at that moment than it had ever been before, or since.

Alisur figured that Otabek felt pretty much the same right now.

When Asel and Temir told the twins what had happened to Yuri, Ezra was obviously shocked and worried about Yuri, and Otabek as well, but Alisur was even more worried about him. He even went as far as calling Ezra’s boss at work, asking her to keep an eye on him without being too obvious about it. Of course he hadn’t told her what was up and thankfully she had agreed to watch out for Ezra anyway.

Even knowing that there was someone not leaving his brother out of their sight while he was at work, didn’t really diminish Alisur’s concerns.

**_Wednesday, 11 th January, St. Petersburg, 8.34pm_ **

It had been another day at home, but it had also been another meal shared with Victor and Yuuri. Granted that Yuri still hadn’t talked to them, or even really acknowledged their existence, and that he had still clung to Otabek like he would die without feeling his skin, it had been a success and another step in the right direction nevertheless.

After dinner they were in bed once more with Otabek leaned back against the headboard and his legs stretched out in front of him, Potya curled up by the end of the bed and Yuri’s body pressed against Otabek’s, his head on the older man’s shoulder.

Yet another mind-numbingly ridiculous reality show was on when Yuri’s hand suddenly started to wander. He let it slide from the collar of Otabek’s shirt down over his chest before he moved it underneath the shirt.

Otabek’s brows furrowed at that, not out of anger but definitely out of confusion.

“What are you doing?” he quietly asked, but didn’t stop Yuri.

The blonde looked up at him while his fingers kept ghosting over Otabek’s naked chest.

“Touch me,” Yuri said, before he pushed himself up and straddled Otabek’s hips.

Yuri’s lips met Otabek’s before he even had a chance to respond. It felt good, so damn good, to have Yuri this close. He carefully put his hands on Yuri’s hips and leaned into the kiss, but then Yuri’s hands wandered again and this time Otabek did stop him.

When Yuri’s fingers went to unbutton his jeans, Otabek grabbed Yuri’s wrist, desperately hoping that he didn’t frighten the blonde by doing that.

“Yura, stop,” he pulled back and breathed out.

Yuri immediately retreated. He slid off Otabek’s lap and curled up on his side of the bed, but he didn’t turn away from Otabek, although he did close his eyes.

Otabek scooted down on the mattress and lay down next to Yuri, facing him. He reached out and stroked Yuri’s hair. Yuri seemed reluctant at first but he did lean into the touch.

“I’m sorry, Yura,” Otabek whispered, while he was overcome with emotion.

He desperately wanted to touch Yuri, feel his skin on his again, get that tingling sensation he had when Yuri had kissed him practically everywhere on New Year’s Day, have another momentary black-out from the overwhelming feeling of seeing Yuri coming undone, but it just wasn’t the time for it. Otabek didn’t want to add to the mountains of emotions Yuri was already dealing with. He didn’t want him to do anything he might regret.

“Do you want to leave?” Yuri then asked, his voice so small it would’ve been an easy thing to miss, but Otabek heard.

“What? No. Why would you think that?” Otabek asked, almost feeling offended if he wasn’t so worried.

Yuri took his hand and kissed it briefly before he pressed it to his chest, where Otabek could feel Yuri’s heartbeat. It was erratic even though Yuri appeared calm.

“You didn’t touch me,” Yuri said, and the sound of his voice was so incredibly heart-breaking. Yuri had apparently seen Otabek’s hesitance as a complete rejection.

“Yura,” Otabek sighed, before he moved even closer to Yuri, their noses only an inch or so away from each other. “I want nothing more than to touch you. I want to keep exploring every single inch of you,” he explained, and added, “but this is not the time to do it. You’re barely even talking to me. We’re not doing anything unless you properly talk to me and I can trust you to tell me if I was doing something wrong. I’m not taking a chance on this and possibly hurt you.”

Otabek closed the last bit of distance between them and kissed Yuri again, this time in such a loving and tender way that Yuri hopefully understood just how much he really wanted him.

**_Thursday, 12 th January, St. Petersburg, 11.59am_ **

Thursday was the biggest step for Yuri yet, Otabek though. Somehow he had convinced Yuri to leave the apartment, which was, at least at first, an exact repeat of the two times he had managed to get Yuri to eat dinner with Victor and Yuuri. It took them ages to get to the rink with Yuri literally glued to Otabek’s side but it was worth it, or so Otabek was fooled into thinking.

Yuri had flinched a few times when people on the streets were passing him, some of them brushing against his arm or his shoulder. He had been especially jumpy when people bumped into him from behind and he couldn’t see them coming. It was hard seeing him like this, but Otabek had had a tight grip on his hand and whenever someone came too close, he made Yuri look him in the eyes. It always helped to make him focus on something familiar, especially if that was Otabek’s eyes.

No one at the rink said anything when they arrived. Yakov nodded at Otabek but didn’t acknowledge them otherwise. Mila sent them concerned glances while Victor and Yuuri kept their distance, although they were clearly itching to talk to Yuri, especially Victor.

Yuri seemed relaxed, even a little excited to go out on the ice, when they laced up their skates. Otabek didn’t necessarily want Yuri to do any proper practice but he had a feeling that getting Yuri to do the one thing he was basically living for, might help him. He was right.

Otabek stepped on to the ice first, Yuri’s hand still in his, and waited for Yuri to do the same. They went around the rink a few times, just doing lazy circles. Yuri kept quiet but the look on his face was priceless.

His entire face lit up, there was a smile on his lips that Otabek was ready to die for. Yuri still appeared to be a little detached from everyone else but his eyes were suddenly sparkling. It was the most beautiful spark Otabek had ever seen in Yuri’s eyes.

At some point Yuri let go of Otabek’s hand. He went off on his own, mindful not to get in anyone’s way. He didn’t do any jumps or spins, he just went around in an endless circle but it didn’t matter.

While Mila, Victor and Yuuri were taking a break, Otabek joined them. He stayed on the ice but he stood by the barrier where the three of them had sat down on a bench on the other side.

“He seems to be doing ok,” Mila commented and smiled at Otabek.

Yuuri absent-mindedly nodded, while Victor kept watching Yuri. Otabek knew Victor cared deeply for his boyfriend, despite their differences.

It still felt weird to Otabek to think of Yuri as his boyfriend but that was exactly what Yuri was to him now, even though he had no idea if Yuri had told anyone about them yet. He was too afraid to ask.

**_Thursday, 12 th January, St. Petersburg, 3.43pm_ **

They had been at the rink for about three hours. Yuri was smiling, even at the others and not just Otabek. He still didn’t talk but it was so obvious that he was completely in his element when he was skating. It was an amazing sight to watch Yuri so carefree.

Until it all went to hell in the blink of an eye.

Otabek and Yuri were on opposite sides of the rink, about to skate towards each other when Otabek noticed Victor close to Yuri. At first he didn’t think anything of it but then Victor got closer and closer, which in itself probably wouldn’t have been a problem either, but he made one grave mistake. He approached Yuri from behind.

Walking to the rink was one indicator that Yuri couldn’t deal with anyone out of his sight without flinching or jumping, and Otabek had thought more about it since then. Yuri never had his back to him. When they fell asleep, he was always facing Otabek. When Otabek felt Yuri stir at night, Yuri was shifting around to face him again. Yuri avoided seeing anyone’s back like the plague, and that was Victor’s downfall.

He skated up to Yuri and approached him from an angle where Yuri couldn’t see him in. Yuri’s eyes were fixed on Otabek further away. As soon as Victor reached Yuri and even flung an arm around his shoulder, everything just happened in a matter of a second or two.

Yuri started screaming his lungs out and shrugging Victor’s hand off violently. He spun around so fast that he tripped over his own feet, crashing down on to the ice and landing awkwardly on his ass and upper thigh at the same time. Tears were running down his cheeks but he didn’t stop screaming. Victor was crouched in front of him, his hands on Yuri’s shoulder but it only seemed to upset Yuri even more.

Everyone’s eyes were on Yuri while Otabek skated over to them as fast as he possibly could without falling flat over his feet as well.

“Get off him, Victor,” Otabek yelled before he reached them. “Don’t touch him!”

Victor immediately let go of Yuri’s shoulders when Otabek ruggedly landed on his knees in front of Yuri, effectively pushing him out of the way.

“Yura, calm down,” he pleaded with Yuri, “come on, look at me.”

Yuri was trembling immensely, throwing his arms around at anything and anyone that was touching him, but Otabek took the occasional punch and slap, because he just had no other choice if he wanted to help Yuri. Once again Otabek put Yuri’s face between his hands, stilling his head in front of his own to force Yuri to concentrate on him.

“It’s ok, Yura,” he said quietly, “you’re alright. I’m right here.”

It obviously took Yuri a little time to recognise Otabek’s voice _and_ his face but he stopped trembling eventually. They sat there on the ice for a few moments, waiting for Yuri’s breathing to return to normal again, before Otabek linked his arm under Yuri’s and helped him up.

“I’m taking him home,” was all he said to the others as they passed them on their way off the ice.

Otabek didn’t dare to say anything to Victor. He was too mad right then and he knew he would just say something he would regret afterwards.

**_Thursday, 12 th January, St. Petersburg, 7.29pm  
_ **

Yuri felt ridiculous. He had no concept of his own person anymore and it was starting to really frustrate him.

Going out had felt like a good idea, especially when Otabek told him he wanted them to go to the rink. The thought of feeling the ice underneath his feet again had been the only thing that kept him going once they had left the apartment.

It had been lunch time so naturally lots of people were about and Yuri had hated it. Too many people had been bumping into him, and he flinched at every single one of them. He was never a big fan of people touching him in the first place, but now it was worse than ever.

But then they got the rink and everything inside him had suddenly shifted. This was it, this had been his only wish and he was sure once he would get on the ice, he would feel better, which he did.

Only it hadn’t lasted nearly as long as he had hoped.

When Victor had skated up behind him and put his arm around his shoulders, Yuri had lost it. He had freaked out and he felt absolutely pathetic because of it now. It had been Victor, not some stranger and he still had reacted the way he did. It made him sick.

On the other hand, he was longing to be touched, but not just by anyone. The only hands he wanted on him were Otabek’s. Yuri was convinced that physical contact with his boyfriend (because that was what they were now), would help him, or so he thought.

It was way past dinner time and Victor and Yuuri still hadn’t come home, when Yuri decided he wanted to take a shower. He was convinced it would be the easiest way to get what he wanted.

Yuri had dragged Otabek straight to bed when they got home, and he had calmed down instantly. The bed was familiar, the feel of the sheets was familiar, Potya curling up by his side was familiar, and Otabek with him was familiar. It had felt good and it had relaxed him, but he wanted more.

He stood up from the bed and walked around it, feeling Otabek’s stare burning into his skin. When he came to a halt in front of Otabek and extended his hand, all Yuri saw for a moment was confusion all over his boyfriend’s face, but Otabek didn’t hesitate long before he took Yuri’s hand.

Yuri lead him to his bathroom. He closed the door behind them and turned the shower on. Otabek didn’t look confused anymore and he didn’t ask any questions either. Yuri knew by now that Otabek waited for him to do and say things. He never pushed him and Yuri’s heart burst open every time he thought about that.

First Yuri removed his own shirt before he did the same to Otabek’s. Then he pushed his jeans down, along with his underwear. He took his socks off and moved to unbutton Otabek’s jeans.

This wasn’t new to either one of them. Yuri hadn’t bathed or showered on his own in almost six days, not since Otabek came to stay with him.

Once they were both completely naked and the steam rising from the shower sneaked its way around them, Yuri stepped closer to Otabek.

“Touch me,” he said again, the same simple command he had given Otabek the day before, only to get rejected then, but this time Yuri didn’t wait for the other man to do anything. He grabbed Otabek’s hand by the wrist and placed it on his own shoulder. Yuri slowly moved it down over his chest, his pink nipple and his abdomen. He felt one of Otabek’s fingers briefly dip into his bellybutton before Otabek stopped them.

“Yura,” he choked out and it was so obvious to Yuri that he wanted more, but he also understood why Otabek was so reluctant.

“I’m not made out of glass,” Yuri then said and he was able to clearly see the surprise in Otabek’s eyes. It was probably the most Yuri had said to him since the incident. “I just want you to touch me.”

Otabek swallowed hard before Yuri could feel his hand on his lower stomach relax, and Yuri immediately moved his hand further down.

As soon as Otabek’s fingers were ghosting over his semi-hard cock, he leaned forward to kiss Otabek. One hand was still holding on to Otabek’s wrist but the other one curled around the older man’s neck. The kiss was slow, teeth gently nibbling on bottom lips trying not to go too far too fast.

Yuri then abruptly turned sideways. The grip he had on Otabek’s wrist didn’t loosen so he dragged his boyfriend into the shower with him. The showerhead was fixed to the ceiling right above them and as soon as the hot water hit them both, Yuri’s mouth was back on Otabek’s. This time rougher, asking for more immediately.

Pressing their chests together, flung his arms around Otabek’s shoulders where he buried his hands in his boyfriend’s dark hair.

The water felt nice but it made everything so slick. There wasn’t enough friction for Yuri so he repeated himself again.

“Touch me,” he mumbled between kisses that Otabek was hungrily returning.

Otabek was clearly debating with himself for a moment before he replied.

“Show me,” was all he said in response then.

Without missing a beat, Yuri grabbed one of Otabek’s hands off his hips and placed it between his legs. It was all he wanted and he didn’t have the patience for anything else. He was desperate for Otabek’s fingers around his cock.

He covered Otabek’s hand with his own again and put them both around his now fully hard dick. All the while Yuri didn’t stop kissing Otabek because it was the only way for him to make sure that it was indeed Otabek touching him and no one else. Yuri needed to be certain, he would’ve checked every other second if it was really Otabek in his arms if it weren’t for their mouths hungrily chasing each other.

Yuri pushed his hips forward and backward a few times, thrusting up into Otabek’s, and ultimately his own hand, but it wasn’t enough. He broke the kiss for a moment and looked down between them before he saw Otabek’s aching length that had been pressing into his thigh just a second earlier. Yuri brought their cocks together and wrapped Otabek’s hand around both of them as best as he could.

He was bathing in the tiny moan that escaped Otabek’s throat, before he said, “move.”

Otabek did.

They thrust up into their hands in a steady rhythm, almost synchronously. Their kisses got sloppy but neither of them pulled back and Yuri suspected that Otabek needed this just as much as he did.

With all the close physical contact they had had over the past six days, it was no surprise that it didn’t take long for Yuri to reach the edge. He was clinging on to Otabek’s neck when he felt that familiar sensation in his gut building up, only to explode inside of him when Otabek squeezed his hand a little tighter around their cocks.

Yuri came with a loud moan, his cum shooting out of him in hectic intervals, splattering over his and Otabek’s chests only to be washed away by the water from above a second later. Otabek kept moving their hands but Yuri was done, his body already going limp.

Then suddenly everything around him went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie, I feel bad for Victor and I'm worried about Ezra... These guys are killing me... and I'm not above warning you that the last scene in the next chapter will break all of your hearts. I cry every time I think about it and I hope (cruel, I know) it comes across this way when I actually put it into words tomorrow.
> 
> Until then, I just want to thank everyone who has left kudos so far on this story (and the previous ones!) and especially the handful of people who continuously keep leaving comments. I see you and I love you for taking the time to let me know that you're enjoying the angsty stuff I present you! xx


	4. The Moment You Leave Me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otabek is not the only person who gets fooled by Yuri, while Otabek's friends are worried about him coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating changed to Explicit for obvious reasons.

**_Thursday, 12 th January, St. Petersburg, 7.47pm_ **

When Yuri regained consciousness, he was sitting on the cold floor of his bathroom. Otabek was fussing around him, saying his name over and over again like a chant at a church.

He remembered them being in the shower and Otabek’s hands on him but then everything went black. It was an unrecognisable blur that Yuri couldn’t see through.

Otabek had covered him up with a large towel around his waist, but the thin fabric didn’t stop the freezing cold from climbing up his body.

Yuri was leaning against the cupboard that was under the sink, his arms boneless by his sides. He struggled to move to sit up properly, the haze of losing consciousness still clouding his eyes and mind.

“Yura, wake up please,” Otabek whined, and Yuri had a suspicion that it wasn’t the first time he had said that.

He tried his best to will his body to move but everything was aching. Yuri could feel the bruise that he no doubt suffered when he crashed on the ice earlier after Victor had snuck up on him. He didn’t dare to look at it but he could definitely feel the pain radiating from it when he sat up.

With heavy lidded eyes, Yuri reached up to cup Otabek’s face. He heard how his boyfriend inhaled deeply at his touch, but he didn’t hear him exhale.

“I’m ok, Beka,” Yuri whispered, and then Otabek started to breathe again. Thankfully.

Saying Otabek’s name out loud was a strange sensation Yuri hadn’t expected, especially combined with the overwhelming feeling of regaining control over his own body. Yuri hadn’t really spoken in almost a week and he could hear the consequences when he did speak now. His voice was hoarse from not using it and he didn’t like the sound of it.

“I’m ok,” he said again, just to hear himself talk.

Otabek then put an arm around his back and another one on the back of his knees, picking Yuri up as if he weighed absolutely nothing. Yuri was aware that he wasn’t as heavy as Otabek but he also suspected that adrenaline played a big part in his boyfriend carrying him this effortlessly.

Yuri’s hair was wet and dripping all over the floor but he didn’t particularly care.

Otabek gently lay him down on his side of the bed. Yuri was still coming to again when Otabek left quickly to grab another towel to put it under his head. Only then did Yuri notice something slowly trickling down his foot. A quick glance told him it was blood.

Obviously Otabek had already noticed it as he also brought tissues. He dabbed the red liquid away before he pressed a kiss to Yuri’s forehead and said, “I’ll be right back, ok?”

Yuri was too weak to panic, although the feeling of being alone in his room did still make him feel uneasy. He had gotten so used to his boyfriend being around that being alone, even just for a minute, made him incredibly uncomfortable.

He heard hushed voices and mumbled sounds coming from the living room (because at least Otabek had left his bedroom door open). Otabek told Victor that Yuri slipped in the shower and that he cut his foot on the tiled floor, before he had caught Yuri from falling and bumping his head somewhere. That certainly explained the blood on his foot, Yuri thought.

Otabek was back a minute later with a wide variety of different sized plasters in his hand.

Yuri didn’t know if it was the next rush of blood on his foot or the fact that Otabek seemed so completely agitated that finally woke him up completely.

“Hey,” Yuri quietly said, reaching out to Otabek who was sitting at the end of the bed, attending to his foot. “Come here, Beka.”

He couldn’t tell who was more surprised, Otabek or him, but Yuri didn’t let it deter him. A lot of things had suddenly shifted in his perspective and all that mattered right there and then was Otabek.

The older man finished putting a huge plaster over the small cut on Yuri’s foot before he got up and actually went over to stand next to Yuri. Shifting out of the way, Yuri made room for his boyfriend to lie down next to him. He grabbed Otabek’s hand and dragged him down on to the mattress.

Yuri didn’t care that his wet hair was making a mess on the bed. It seemed so insignificant when he saw the concern in Otabek’s eyes.

“What happened in there, Yura?” Otabek asked, his voice specked with obvious sorrow.

“I don’t know,” Yuri immediately replied, and genuinely meant it. He had no idea what had happened in the shower.

Yuri just stared at Otabek for a moment. He stroked the side of his face, his thumb brushing over his flushed cheek. Looking at Otabek like it was the first, or the last time, Yuri tried to remember every little detail about it.

He thought he wanted to cry, but his eyes were dry. He thought he wanted to scream, but his lungs were empty. He thought he wanted to throw something in anger, but his heart had no room for it.

“I think I’m falling in love with you,” Yuri confessed before he even had a chance to think about the words coming out of his mouth.

**_Friday, 13 th January, Almaty, 8.05am_ **

It was Friday and Meiz was getting anxious. In fact, everyone was getting anxious about Otabek coming back home.

She was sure she wasn’t the only one who was haunted by bad dreams of memories she’d rather not recall, since Otabek had gotten that call from Yuuri and had broken down in her arms right there in the middle of his bedroom.

It brought back so many mental images Meiz wanted to forget, file away in a locked box somewhere in the depth of her mind where she would never have to touch them again.

But seeing Otabek again next day would do the exact opposite.

 **Meiz:** _T is picking you up at the airport tomorrow._

 **Beka:** _Ok._ _Thanks._

She hadn’t really expected a reply since it was 5am in the morning in St. Petersburg.

 **Meiz:** _Shit! Did I wake you up?_

 **Beka:** _No. Barely slept at all. Too worried to let Yuri out of my sight._

 **Meiz:** _We’re all here for you. You know that, right?!_

 **Beka:** _I know._  
**Beka:** _How’s Ginger?_

 **Meiz:** _Max is taking good care of her._

It was about ten minutes or so before she received another text from Otabek. It was about ten minutes before she cried for the first time since she heard about what had happened to Yuri.

 **Beka:** _I want to go back to New Year’s, Meiz._

 **Meiz:** _I know, sweetie. I know. We all do._

**_Friday, 13 th January, St. Petersburg, 8.31am_ **

Otabek hadn’t slept at all. Yuri’s words were running around his mind in infinite circles, not giving him a chance to rest. He was too wired to sleep, distracted by his endless concern for Yuri and his boyfriend’s sudden confession.

 _I think I’m falling in love with you_ , Yuri had said.

He should have seen it coming. Otabek thought he should not have been as surprised as he was because falling in love was the whole point of what they were doing, wasn’t it? He refused to believe that they had risked their incredibly comfortable and genuine friendship for anything other than love. Up until Yuri had said it the night before though, Otabek just hadn’t really thought about it, and now it was hitting him like a freight train.

His feelings for Yuri had always been somewhat strong, most likely stronger than his feelings for any of his other friends, that he still cherished just as much as Yuri. However, his friendship with the blonde had always been on a different level. It had always felt more intense, but at the same time easier and less complicated.

Yuri had been spot on accusing Otabek of jealousy after he stormed off into his bedroom when Yuri had kissed Ezra. Otabek had refused to admit it then but he wasn’t going to deny it now, least of all to himself.

The first time Otabek kissed Yuri, which was the most innocent kiss he had ever had, had felt like a stab right through his chest. Hidden away behind a building around the Republic Square in Almaty, Yuri’s lips on his had felt like something was pulling at his heartstrings, trying desperately to make him aware of just how important Yuri really was to him. That kiss had changed everything for Otabek.

It felt like he had been gathering all his feeling for Yuri in a barrel, filled to the brim without ever spilling, but then that kiss happened and it was the final drop that made the wood of the barrel burst apart at every seam. His feelings were overflowing.

Now he was here with Yuri in his arms, contemplating what loving Yuri would really mean to him and their relationship.

**_Friday, 13 th January, St. Petersburg, 9.21am_ **

Yuri wasn’t sleeping anymore and Otabek was pretty sure he would come out of his room if he just asked him to, but he was too exhausted to find out.

Since it was Friday, Victor and Yuuri headed off to the rink a little later than usual. Otabek was making tea for him and Yuri, when the two older men walked up to him. They already had their jackets, scarves and hats on, apparently ready to leave, so Otabek was a bit taken aback.

“Can we talk to you for a minute?” Yuuri asked, and the way him and Victor approached him, irritated Otabek immensely.

“Sure,” was all he said, too afraid to question what was on their minds.

Yuuri was fidgeting, rubbing his scarf between his thumb and index finger, and avoiding Otabek’s eyes, while Victor just stared. He did that a lot lately. It was unsettling.

“We talked to Yakov yesterday,” Yuuri then blurted out.

Otabek couldn’t bring himself to say anything because he had a horrible suspicion of where this conversation was going.

“With everything that has happened and considering how Yurio is acting,” Victor began, “and especially after what happened at the rink yesterday,” Yuuri added, before Victor finally came to the point, “we all agree that it’s best if Yurio withdraws from the European Championship this year.”

“No,” Otabek immediately shouted out, which prompted Victor and Yuuri to take a step back from him.

Otabek forced himself to take a deep breath before he continued, much calmer on the outside but even more so furious on the inside.

“This is not your decision to make,” he said. “Neither Yakov nor you two have any right to decide this for Yura. If he says he doesn’t want to compete, then fine, but if he does want to go, then that’s up to him.”

It was hard for Otabek to stay calm. He didn’t understand how any of them could even think about asking something like this of Yuri.

“He would have to leave in ten days, Otabek. We just want the best for Yurio considering the circumstances,” Yuuri mumbled, clearly adamant about his opinion, but at the same time scared to contradict what Otabek had said.

“I know you do but taking away the one thing Yura is still somewhat excited about is not going to help him,” Otabek tried to make himself understood.

Victor’s brows furrowed but Otabek didn’t think it was because of anger. It seemed more like frustration.

“You need to talk to him,” Victor then said, directing his words at Otabek.

“I know, and I will,” Otabek reassured them.

There was tension in the air and Otabek could tell that this was certainly not the end of this discussion, but there was no point in talking about it without knowing what Yuri actually wanted.

**_Friday, 13 th January, Almaty, 12.26pm_ **

When Ezra agreed to meet his brother for lunch, he knew exactly what he was in for. No one had said anything to him yet, apart from Asel really, but he knew his friends were worried about him. He just didn’t know if he appreciated their concern or not.

Alisur was no exception.

They were half-way through their sandwiches when Alisur asked him the one question Ezra had expected.

“Are you doing ok with, you know, what happened to Yuri?” his brother asked him, worry so evident in his voice, it was almost laughable.

Ezra smiled into his tea and he decided that he did actually appreciate everyone worrying about him.

“Yeah,” he said, “I just wish I could talk to Yuri.”

He saw Alisur’s eyebrows furrow at that, he just didn’t really know why.

“What’s keeping you from doing that? I’m sure talking to someone who knows what he’s going through would help him deal with it all,” Alisur explained, and of course it made perfect sense.

“I think so too,” Ezra admitted, “but I don’t know how Beka would feel about me talking to Yuri after New Year’s.”

Ezra was genuinely concerned about that. Otabek had hugged him when they left on New Year’s and he did want to meet up with him to talk, but they never actually had a chance to get together when Otabek had left for St. Petersburg.

“Come on Ezra, you know Beka,” Alisur said, as if Ezra’s concerns were unfounded. “You know he’s not mad at you for kissing Yuri. Beka is a lot of things but he’s not the type of person to hold grudges.”

Perhaps Alisur was right about that, but Ezra wouldn’t know without actually talking to Otabek.

They ate in silence for a moment until Alisur cleared his throat. He obviously wanted to say something but hesitated. Ezra had seen his brother like this maybe a handful of times in his life. It wasn’t like him at all.

“What is it, Ali?” Ezra asked then because he needed to know.

Alisur took a sip from his coffee before he replied, his fingers in a tight grip around the mug in his hands and his eyes fixed to the table.

“I don’t know what to say to Beka,” he quietly confessed, but Ezra didn’t understand what he was talking about.

“What do you mean?” Ezra asked in return, genuinely curious because his brother was seldom lost for words.

Alisur sighed visibly. Talking about his feelings had never been easy for him, Ezra knew that, but since he brought this topic up, he felt alright about pushing it.

“I mean that… He’s in the position I was in when you… you know. What can I possibly say to him to make him feel better?” Alisur asked, and Ezra easily picked up on the distress in his voice. His brother was scared. He was scared because he cared.

“I don’t think there’s anything you _can_ say,” Ezra told him, very aware that it probably wasn’t really what Alisur wanted to hear. “You told me years ago that nothing anyone said to you back then helped you, and I would assume that Beka feels the same. Just make sure he knows you’re there for him.”

Ezra knew it sounded so easy in theory but in reality it wasn’t, not for any of them.

**_Friday, 13 th January, St. Petersburg, 3.02pm_ **

They had been back at the rink for a couple of hours, and even despite the incident with Victor the previous day, Yuri seemed to blossom as soon as he had stepped on the ice again.

Watching Yuri on his skates made Otabek’s heart clench. It was a hauntingly beautiful sight but it couldn’t make his worries magically disappear. Yuri seemed alright but Otabek knew he was far from actually _being_ ok.

Yuri was completely lost in his own world, that Otabek dared to get off the ice. He still made sure that Yuri would be able to see him but he needed a break.

Otabek sat down on a bench near the barrier and Mila appeared by his side only minutes later. She smiled at him and took a seat next to him, her red hair standing out as fierce as usual. The bump on her forehead was almost gone. There was a slight green-ish shade left but it was only noticeable if people were actually looking for it.

“How are feeling, Mila?” he asked her nicely, because even though Yuri took up most of his thoughts, he was still concerned for Mila and how she was dealing with everything.

“I’m tough, Otabek,” she tried to joke but her eyes were tired. “So is Yuri,” she hastily added, looking out to the blonde doing spins on the ice.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes but Otabek didn’t feel uncomfortable. He figured that if anyone would understand how frustrating this whole situation was, it would be Mila. She had actually seen what had been done to Yuri. It must have been gnawing at her constantly.

“I have to leave tomorrow,” Otabek told her, because he had to tell someone.

“Does he know?” she asked quickly.

“Not yet.”

Mila put her hand on Otabek’s thigh, a sign of comfort he was thankful for.

“He’ll be fine,” she said, obviously trying to put Otabek’s mind at ease but it wasn’t quite that simple.

Otabek sighed and finally took his eyes off Yuri so he could directly look at Mila.

“I don’t want to leave him,” he confessed, and that overwhelming sense of wanting, _needing_ to protect Yuri returned full force. He couldn’t do that if he was in Almaty.

Mila seemed to understand because she squeezed his thigh briefly, but her words still made Otabek cringe.

“You can’t put your entire career on hold, Otabek,” she tried to reason. “Trust me, Yuri wouldn’t want that.”

He knew she was right. Deep down he knew that, but it was still hard to accept it when his feelings for Yuri were overshadowing everything else.

“I would do anything for him, Mila, absolutely _anything_ and I hate that I can’t be here for him,” Otabek admitted. He was surprised by his own honesty, opening up to her so easily it seemed, but it felt good to actually say these things out loud, even if that wouldn’t change anything.

He still wouldn’t be able to stay in St. Petersburg and he still couldn’t really help Yuri, because he didn’t know how.

“Yuri knows that. Please believe me. If it weren’t for you having been here, I’m sure he would still be curled up on his bed in the same clothes he wore to the club. It doesn’t seem like much right now but trust me, you being here this week was a massive help,” she reassured him, but Otabek wasn’t convinced.

“He’s still not talking to anyone but me,” he shot back, and even he realised how pathetic and whiny his voice sounded.

“He will,” was all Mila said to that.

Otabek was desperately hoping that she was right.

**_Friday, 13 th January, St. Petersburg, 6.18pm_ **

Everything had gone well at the rink this time. It was a relief to see Yuri as content as he had been on the ice.

Back at the apartment, Mila joined them all for dinner. Victor and Yuuri had ordered pizza for everyone and Yuri had, surprisingly, suggested him and Otabek going out to the living room to eat with them.

It seemed like such a huge step for Yuri. Even though he was now more or less talking to Otabek, while his usual (playful) insults were still missing, him suggesting to actually join the others was something Otabek had certainly not expected, but he definitely wouldn’t complain about it either. It was a tiny glimmer of hope.

Yuri sat in the corner of the couch again so he could easily face everyone else in the room. Otabek suspected that he did that just so he could make sure there was no chance of anyone sneaking up behind him. It was a little thing, but it seemed important to Yuri.

Victor, Yuuri and Mila chatted throughout dinner, the television providing easy-to-ignore background noise, but Yuri stayed quiet. Otabek watched him most of the time. He saw how Yuri’s eyes flickered over to the other three people with them, how he seemed interested in what they were talking about. Yuri did pay attention, even when he didn’t say anything.

The most relieving part about this dinner though was that Yuri was completely relaxed. He was leaning against Otabek the entire time but he wasn’t tense. Yuri seemed to still need the physical contact, to know that Otabek was there, but other than that he was stress-free, if his body and his eyes were anything to go by.

Yuri even managed a shy half-smile when they retreated back to his bedroom. It was still so far away from the Yuri they were all used to but it was a start.

Otabek had been anxious about talking to Yuri all day but he had to do it now. He was running out of time and there were a few things they needed to discuss, and all he could do was keep his fingers crossed that Yuri wouldn’t shut down again.

They were back on the bed, with Potya sprawled out on top of the headboard and Yuri stroking her belly. Otabek sat next to him, cross-legged and facing him.

“Yura,” he began because just didn’t know how else to start, “do you want to keep skating?”

Yuri’s facial expression was surprised, if anything else, like he couldn’t fathom why or how Otabek could be asking him that.

“Yes,” he said, firm and determined. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Otabek sighed heavily. He really didn’t want to talk about anything that forced him to bring the incident up but he had no other choice.

“Yakov, Victor and Yuuri think it’s best if you withdraw from the European Championship,” he informed Yuri, and he got the exact reaction he had been expecting ever since Victor brought this up.

“No,” Yuri said, as simple as that, while he kept stroking Potya’s fur.

Otabek never even considered the possibility that Yuri would not compete in the Championship. It had seemed so pointless to even think about it and Yuri’s response just emphasised that.

“You only have one week of practice left before you have to leave for Sheffield,” Otabek said but not because he wanted to change Yuri’s mind, just to make sure that Yuri understood what he was determined to do.

“I know,” Yuri immediately said. “I’m not going to screw it up again,” he added and Otabek knew exactly what he meant. His short program.

Otabek leaned forward and kissed Yuri. He grabbed the blonde by his hips and pulled him into his lap. Yuri threw his arms around his neck and returned the kiss eagerly.

“I never thought you would,” Otabek whispered when they pulled apart to catch their breaths.

Yuri leaned in again, capturing Otabek’s lips between his teeth, and pressed their chests close together. Otabek wanted more, so much more, but he had to tell Yuri something else.

“Yura,” he panted but Yuri didn’t budge. Otabek gave in for another handful of kisses that easily felt like a lifetime because it was just so good, so natural, like they have been kissing each other forever.

He eventually placed his hands on the sides of Yuri’s face and stilled his head. Yuri tried to jerk forward, wanting to steal more kisses, but Otabek held him in place.

“There’s something else we need to talk about,” Otabek said, but Yuri still seemed way too distracted with his lips. Yuri’s eyes were glancing between Otabek’s eyes and lips, his tongue wetting his own lips.

Otabek wasn’t sure what else he could do to get Yuri’s attention, so he just blurted it out.

“I have to go back to Almaty tomorrow,” he said, afraid of how Yuri will react to it.

Yuri’s eyes shot up to his but they were impossible to read. Was he angry? Upset? Disappointed? Did he feel rejected? Left alone? Otabek couldn’t tell at all.

“Ok,” Yuri then said, and that was certainly not the reaction Otabek had anticipated.

“Ok?” he asked, irritated by Yuri’s response.

Yuri used that chance and leaned forward again, pressing his lips on to Otabek’s with full force.

“Ok,” he repeated and Otabek only shook his head once, still incredibly confused as to why Yuri didn’t seem to be bothered at all by him leaving.

“I’m alright, Beka,” Yuri explained but it didn’t do anything to make Otabek feel any less irritated. “I won’t be on my own and you can’t miss any more practice.”

Otabek thought he might be a fool to believe Yuri because it was just such a drastic turn from the way he had been acting all week, but his desperate optimism got in the way. He _wanted_ to believe Yuri and that was the only reason he did.

**_Friday, 13 th January, St. Petersburg, 10.21pm_ **

A heavy make-out session had tuckered them both out earlier but when Otabek woke up to Yuri’s lips on his neck, he had a feeling that Yuri was ready for more.

Otabek was lying on his back with Yuri above him on all fours. Yuri’s knees were pressing into his sides, but other than that there was no contact except for Yuri’s lips ghosting over the sensitive skin at the junction of his neck and shoulder.

He didn’t know then why he was so willing to give in to Yuri’s advances. The warning signs had been there, he should stop this. Otabek couldn’t possibly imagine that Yuri was ready for this, not after everything that had happened. Not just the assault, but him passing out in the shower and shouting until this throat hurt when Victor had put his arm around him. Otabek didn’t think Yuri would even _want_ anything more than hungry kisses and a lazy handjob, but what he was doing now said otherwise.

Perhaps Otabek was also more inclined to give Yuri what he wanted, because he told him he would be ok once Otabek left the next day. He was clinging on to that thin thread of hope that surrounded them, even though he shouldn’t.

Otabek didn’t even open his eyes when he reached up to guide Yuri’s lips towards his own.

Yuri didn’t start slow, he went right in and took charge. His teeth were holding on to Otabek’s bottom lip, pulling and squeezing until Otabek winced, before he let go only to gently suck on it to make the pain go away. Yuri hovered above Otabek’s mouth, teasing him, licking his upper lip to coax Otabek into reaching up. He was testing him and Otabek loved it.

When his hands started to wander, Otabek’s eyes did fly open, even while they were still exchanging desperate kisses, because Yuri was completely naked. If he was still questioning Yuri’s intentions until then, he certainly wasn’t anymore.

It was an open invitation Otabek should have, but couldn’t refuse.

The duvet was still covering him up to his hips but that didn’t stop Otabek from grabbing Yuri’s ass and pushing him down into him. Yuri let out a moan that Otabek thought he could feel in his own throat. The sensation from the duvet rubbing up against his cock must have been unexpected for Yuri, but he didn’t pull away from it. Instead he thrusted forward, and even though the heavy fabric was still separating him from Yuri, Otabek could feel himself getting hard just from the sounds that Yuri was making.

Yuri suddenly kicked the duvet off the bed, ultimately exposing Otabek entirely. He was wearing his boxers and a t-shirt to bed but Yuri made quick process with both of them, almost ripping them off of him and throwing them across the room.

Otabek was strangely aware that Potya was somewhere in the room, but Yuri’s mouth was back on his so fast that that thought left him just as quickly as it had occurred to him.

Yuri was straddling him again but still hovered above him. Their lips were already sore and swollen but Yuri didn’t hold back. He made Otabek reach up for him, depriving him of what he desperately wanted, but Otabek did reach up. There was never going to be a time where he wouldn’t.

He would do it again and again and again, every single time Yuri asked him to.

Otabek wasn’t sure what had gotten into him, but the way Yuri’s tongue moved inside his mouth and how he was forced to fight for even the tiniest of touches from Yuri, was clouding his judgement, so he decided he would take a chance.

“Fuck me,” he breathed out inbetween kisses and Yuri responded with even more fervour than before, now finally pushing himself down onto Otabek.

But then Otabek heard a resounding ‘no’ coming from Yuri.

He brushed some hair out of Yuri’s face while both of them were already panting heavily, and looked at him, eyes half lidded. Yuri was an exact copy of what he figured he himself looked like. Dishevelled hair, pupils blown wide, heavy eyelids, flushed skin and red lips.

“Why not?” Otabek asked, his eyes flickering down to Yuri’s lips because they just looked so incredibly sexy all swollen from him biting them.

Yuri then pressed his entire body weight down on Otabek, he pushed his hips forward, thrusting up into Otabek’s groin which only made them both moan loudly, perhaps a little too loudly.

“No time for experiments,” Yuri explained, but that only raised more questions for Otabek. “I need you right _now_ ,” Yuri then added quickly.

Otabek couldn’t help himself. His hands cupped the soft squishy skin of Yuri’s ass again and pushed him down. He spread his legs so Yuri was forced to lie right between them. Yuri then thrust forward on his own accord while Otabek bucked his hips upward.

“Yura,” Otabek hushed, “right now is not possible. One of us has to be prepared.”

His voice gave up straight after he said that.

Their achingly hard cocks were rubbing against each other but it was uncomfortable. The few drops of pre-cum weren’t enough to make it feel _really_ good.

“Nightstand,” Yuri said, licking over Otabek’s lips before he rolled over to the side.

Otabek was desperate for some air, so he took a second to collect himself. The desire inside him was too great to make it a proper stop to refuel though. He leaned over to get the lube and a condom out of the nightstand Yuri had directed him to.

One of Yuri’s hands was buried in his hair, the other one was stroking his already leaking dick lazily, his fingers only loosely wrapped around it.

Otabek thought even the last tiny bit of air in his lungs was knocked out of him when he turned around to see Yuri like that.

He knew he was staring and he didn’t even notice how his hand wandered between his legs to start pumping his own cock, until Yuri reached out and grabbed his arm.

“Come here,” Yuri said, his voice only a whisper, and Otabek obeyed.

Yuri pulled him on top of him, his legs spread wide so Otabek was between them in the same position they were in before, just with the roles reversed.

Crushing their lips together again, Otabek was a bit afraid that his weight would be too much for Yuri, but there were no complains on the blonde’s part. Yuri flung his long legs around Otabek’s waist and crossed them by the ankle, pressing them impossibly close together.

Otabek was holding himself up on one elbow above Yuri’s shoulder, his hand threading through his hair, while his other hand went out to explore. He marvelled in the sensation of Yuri’s soft skin underneath his fingertips, pressing down on Yuri’s side.

“What do you want, Yura?” Otabek eventually asked, still unsure of what his boyfriend had in mind.

Yuri reached out for the lube next to them. He grabbed the bottle and pressed it to Otabek’s chest.

“You,” he said before he pulled Otabek down for another heated kiss.

Otabek got on his knees but he stayed between Yuri’s legs. He kissed down Yuri’s yaw and his throat, avoiding his neck because there was a tiny voice in his head that told him to stay away. Focussing his attention on Yuri’s pink nipples that looked so insanely delicious, Otabek was desperate to get his lips on them, but Yuri stopped him from going any further.

Yuri had his fingers wrapped around both of Otabek’s upper arms and pulled him back up.

“Don’t,” Yuri said, but Otabek wouldn’t have any of it.

“Yura, this is not happening unless you let me prepare you,” Otabek warned him.

It was too big of a risk and under no circumstances would he sleep with Yuri if neither of them had taken the necessary precautions.

“Just use your fingers,” Yuri breathed out. “Don’t stop kissing me and don’t turn away from me,” he hastily added.

In hindsight, this should have been another warning sign for Otabek, but he chose to ignore it.

Instead he harshly put a hand through Yuri’s hair, enticing a bunch of obscene little moans out of Yuri’s mouth that only turned him on even more. He grabbed a pillow from next to Yuri’s head and pushed it under the blonde’s ass to elevate him, all the while trying desperately to keep their wet mouths connected. It was what Yuri had asked of him after all.

Reluctantly he pulled away from Yuri’s lips a moment later though to get back on his knees. He leaned backwards and got the bottle of lube, squirting some of the cool liquid on his fingers while Yuri’s hands wandered all over his chest, greedily exploring every inch of Otabek’s skin they could reach.

Otabek closed the cap of the bottle and threw it to the side again, before he reached down between Yuri’s legs. Pressing the tip of his index finger to Yuri’s entrance, Otabek felt the urge to ask for permission.

“Are you sure you want this?” he panted, and Yuri captured his lips once more in response.

“Yes,” Yuri mumbled into the kiss.

He had a steady hold on Otabek’s neck, pressing their chests together as much as possible, when Otabek bent his finger inside him. It was just to the first knuckle but it was an intrusion nevertheless.

The sight of Yuri’s eyes flying shut immediately, his mouth opening wide, his back arching up into him and his deep inhale was almost too much for Otabek. He felt more of his pre-cum dripping from his cock on to Yuri’s abdomen and he could see that Yuri reacted the same way.

“More,” Yuri gasped, and Otabek obliged.

He slowly pushed his entire finger in, making sure that Yuri kept breathing. The muscle around his finger was tight but slick because of the lube, it was almost too easy to pull out and push back in. Yuri quickly asked for another finger, more of Otabek.

It was impossible to refuse Yuri, even when Otabek wanted to take it slower but Yuri’s body correspondent with his words. Yuri took his third fingers just easily and willingly as the first two.

Otabek knew what it felt like when someone hit that special place inside him that made him see stars, and when Yuri’s upper body arched up and his head fell back, exposing his beautifully pale throat, Otabek knew he had found that spot inside Yuri. He kept brushing his fingers against it, pushing Yuri further and further to the edge.

Yuri’s grip around his arm was getting almost painful. Otabek could tell that Yuri wasn’t far away from his orgasm and a part of him wanted it to happen this way. Seeing Yuri come undone just by his fingers was incredibly arousing in itself, but it was mainly fear of hurting Yuri that didn’t want to take it any further.

The one person that had other plans though was Yuri.

“Enough,” he moaned, and grabbed Otabek’s arm by his wrist to pull the fingers out of his hole. “Get moving,” Yuri basically commanded Otabek.

“Yura, we don’t have to go that far,” Otabek said hesitantly.

“Yes, we do,” Yuri shot back immediately before he crushed his lips to Otabek’s again, angrily forcing his tongue inside in his mouth. It was accompanied by such seducing sounds full of pleasure that Otabek once more ignored the warning sign Yuri gave him.

Otabek lifted himself up. He grabbed the condom and carefully ripped it open while Yuri’s questioning eyes followed his every move.

“We don’t need that,” Yuri said, his hips seemingly unconsciously bucking up.

“I want to stay with you afterward and not waste too much time cleaning up,” Otabek explained, “so yeah, we need it tonight.”

With that and no more further protest from Yuri, Otabek rolled the condom down on his hard length and positioned himself in the right spot between Yuri’s legs. He squeezed more lube over Yuri’s entrance as well as his cock, and slicked it up, giving himself a few quick pumps.

Yuri put his hands on Otabek’s thighs, bracing himself for what was about to happen, while one of Otabek’s hands grabbed Yuri’s left leg and pushed it up as far as he could, using his other hand to guide his aching dick towards Yuri’s begging hole.

“Don’t stop breathing,” Otabek told Yuri before he pushed the tip of his cock inside.

Yuri did inhale deeply but he also exhaled just as quickly, so Otabek was confident to push further. It was still too fast for his taste but Yuri was begging for it, and he didn’t have it in him to deny him this.

It wasn’t long until Otabek was all the way inside Yuri, his thighs touching Yuri’s ass.

Yuri pulled Otabek down by his shoulders, wrapping his arms around his neck as soon as Otabek’s chest was pressed against his. Otabek suspected that he was a heavy weight on top of Yuri, but the blonde was apparently aching for it.

Yuri’s kisses were harsh and forceful, but at the same time needy and desperate. It was a strange mix that Otabek wasn’t really sure how to take.

“Move, Beka,” Yuri whined a little while later and Otabek did as he was asked.

Keeping his mouth on Yuri’s, Otabek carefully pulled out of Yuri’s incredibly hot hole, trying to decipher every little emotion Yuri shared with him through his lips. He stilled when only the tip of his cock was left inside Yuri, reluctant to move again, but Yuri wanted it.

“Get in,” he panted, “now.”

Even though Yuri’s voice was thin, there was such an urgency in it as well that Otabek gave in and followed Yuri’s wishes.

He pushed his leaking dick back inside Yuri, pressing against the soft and wet walls of his hole, stretching the muscle further.

Otabek could feel Yuri’s fingernails scratch his back. He didn’t mind, especially since it seemed to entice Yuri even more. He quickly set a steady rhythm, thrusting into Yuri with a need he didn’t know he had.

When Yuri’s hands wandered further down and grabbed his ass, Otabek felt his cheeks clench whenever he thrust back into Yuri, and the blonde held on so tight that Otabek picked up his pace.

Yuri was moaning and growling in his ear, still holding on to him, while sweat was pooling at the small of Otabek’s back and on their chests. Otabek’s raven black hair and Yuri’s golden mane were getting damp, sticking to their foreheads.

Otabek wanted to lift himself up just a tiny little bit so he could stroke Yuri’s dripping length, but Yuri pushed his hand away. He just pulled him on top of him again, their chests rubbing against each other with Yuri’s aching cock trapped between them.

They were both panting so loud, completely overcome with lust and pleasure, when Otabek was beginning to feel that familiar tingling sensation radiating through him from his dick.

“Faster,” Yuri gasped and Otabek listened.

The sound of their skin clashing filled the entire room but neither of them cared. It wasn’t important. The only thing they concentrated on was themselves.

“Yura, please,” Otabek begged, trying to lift himself up again because he knew he was close. “Let me touch you.”

Yuri refused him his wish. He held on to Otabek, licking over his lips and teeth instead.

“Just keep moving,” Yuri ordered him, and Otabek didn’t think he could stop even if he wanted to.

The obscene noises their bodies made only got more hectic, more erratic, the longer Otabek kept thrusting into Yuri. When Yuri’s chest arched up against his and his head fell back again, Otabek knew his dick had finally hit Yuri’s prostate. Yuri was shivering underneath him, obviously very close to coming.

It took Otabek only a few more hard thrusts until Yuri figuratively jumped off the cliff. His cum spilled between their chests, the white liquid sticking to them immediately, but the sight of it was exactly what Otabek needed to reach his own end.

He pressed his lips to Yuri’s when his delicious orgasm spread through every fibre of his body. Otabek came inside Yuri, his cum filling the condom quickly. He felt like all his bones had been removed from his body when he gently let himself rest on top of Yuri, not wasting a single thought on Yuri’s cum between their chests.

Otabek pulled out of Yuri and took the used condom off his softening cock. Much to his surprise, Yuri snatched it out of his hand, tied a knot in it and dropped it on the floor next to the bed.

Blissful waves of pleasure were still rolling all over Otabek when Yuri lifted his head with two fingers under his chin, kissing him deeply.

This kiss was the complete opposite of every single kiss they had shared that night, and there had been _so_ many. Yuri’s lips were almost hesitant, they were careful like they were afraid of hurting Otabek.

Placing his own hand behind Yuri’s ear, Otabek held on to him and returned the kiss just as careful.

**_Saturday, 14 th January, Almaty 9.24am_ **

Temir was too afraid to talk to anyone. He was anxious about Otabek coming back.

Checking in on Ezra was one thing, and he didn’t even speak to him directly. He kept track of him by occasionally texting Alisur or Asel to find out how Ezra was doing. It was embarrassing.

He had sworn to himself that this time he wasn’t going to run away but that intention alone didn’t make it all any easier.

When Ezra’s, and Alisur’s lives were temporarily falling apart, Temir hadn’t been there for them. He was a coward, hiding from real life, ignoring the ones he cared about instead of helping them to get through the shit they had been forced to deal with.

He had run.

This time he wanted to do the right thing. Picking Otabek up from the airport would be the first step to do just that. It probably wouldn’t mean anything special to Otabek, but he would know himself that he was handling it all differently this time.

 **Temir:** _What time does your flight get in?_

 **Beka:** _8.05pm_

 **Temir:** _I’ll be there._

 _I’ll be there_ , he whispered when he sent the message. It felt damn good to say that out loud.

**_Saturday, 14 th January, St. Petersburg, 10.25am_ **

Yuri had been surprisingly detached from Otabek all morning. Otabek couldn’t tell if them having sex the night before was the cause for it or if there was anything else up with Yuri, but he decided to look at it as a positive sign. The more independent Yuri got again, the better.

Victor, Yuuri and Mila had taken Otabek to the airport. Yuri had held his hand all the way there while his head had rested on his shoulder, but other than that it was very different to the despair Yuri had shared through his touches before.

They were all stood near the security area that Otabek would have to pass through to go to his gate. Yuuri, Victor and Mila had said their goodbyes, before they gave him and Yuri some space to do the same.

They were hugging for what felt like ages. Yuri’s hands were desperately clinging on to the back of Otabek’s jacket while Otabek had his arms around Yuri’s shoulder, making sure he was as close to him as possible.

Otabek could see one of the airport clocks out of the corner of his eyes and he knew had to go or he would miss his flight, but he couldn’t bring himself to let go of Yuri.

At least not until Yuri started mumbling into his ear.

“I’m sorry,” he said, over and over again, two times, three times, four times, again and again.

It was freaking Otabek out in a matter of seconds.

He gently placed is head on both sides of Yuri’s face, turning his head so he would have to look at him. There were tears already rushing down Yuri’s cheeks like there was no tomorrow.

“Yura,” he said quietly, trying his best to keep his voice calm and hoping that it would reflect on Yuri. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

He genuinely couldn’t think of anything that Yuri would have to apologise, but he did find out what Yuri meant just a moment later.

“I’m sorry this happened,” Yuri said, whaling almost, “I’m sorry I made this guy touch me. I’m sorry I made you come here. I’m sorry I made you stay and I’m sorry I kept you from practice. I’m sorry…”

Yuri probably would’ve gone on, but Otabek couldn’t listen to it anymore.

He leaned forward and kissed Yuri, and he couldn’t care less if Victor, Yuuri and Mila saw them. They didn’t matter. As soon as he pulled back though, Yuri went on as if the kiss hadn’t even happened.

“I’m sorry he touched me. I’m sorry I made him think he could. I’m sorry, Beka. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault,” Yuri whined, the tears rushing down his face at a speed that couldn’t be normal.

Otabek grabbed him again and pressed their lips together another time. He forced himself into Yuri’s mouth so the kiss was open-mouthed, but with no tongue involved.

“This was not your fault, Yura,” Otabek said to him, firmly and insistently, once they broke apart again. “What that guy did you was not your fault. You did _nothing_ wrong. Do you understand that?”

Yuri’s body relaxed for a moment which caused Otabek to make the mistake of thinking that Yuri was alright.

“I don’t want you to leave,” Yuri admitted, and Otabek sighed.

“And I don’t want to go,” he replied, his voice hoarse.

He pushed their foreheads together, his hands in Yuri’s hair behind his ears. Otabek thought Yuri was sad, but that wasn’t all.

Yuri was angry.

All of a sudden he pressed his hands against Otabek’s chest so violently that the older man stumbled back.

“Then why the fuck are you going?” Yuri shouted, the intensity of his voice sending a chill down Otabek’s spine.

He was so overwhelmed by the shift in Yuri’s mood and behaviour that he wasn’t quite sure what was actually going on.

“Why are you leaving me?” Yuri then asked, his voice raised. He stepped forward only to push Otabek back again. “You said you wouldn’t leave me and now you’re fucking off,” he screamed.

The look in his eyes was heart-breaking and scary at the same time. Otabek was so overcome with all kinds of emotion that he barely registered Victor, Yuuri and Mila rushing over to them.

“You’re a fucking liar, Beka,” Yuri shouted. “You’re a bastard. You made me fall in love with you and now you’re abandoning me.”

He managed to push Otabek back once more, before Victor and Yuuri each grabbed one of Yuri’s arms to hold him back.

Yuri was obviously kicking and screaming with all the energy he could muster.

“Let go of me,” he growled, struggling to wriggle himself free. Otabek just stared. He didn’t know what was happening.

“What are you looking at?” Yuri spat out at him. “Cherishing the memory of fucking me into the mattress last night when you knew you would leave me behind today? Is that all this was to you? A quick fuck?”

Mila stepped in front of Otabek. She forced him to look at her and he could feel the tears falling down his cheeks. He was looking into Mila’s eyes but he still heard Yuri. Every single word he yelled was like a million paper cuts.

“I hate you, Beka,” Yuri shouted, and Otabek flinched. “I fucking _hate_ you. You’re a damn liar. You used me and now you’re throwing me away like a piece of fucking trash.”

Otabek tried his best to concentrate on Mila, tears escaping his eyes, but she was starting to cry too, and that only made it all even worse.

“You said you wouldn’t leave me, Beka,” Yuri then started sobbing. “Why are you leaving me?”

Yuri’s voice in his ears was what he expected a knife in his heart to feel like.

Behind Mila, Otabek could see how Yuri sank to his knees in the middle of the airport, his eyes still fixed on him.

“You can’t just leave me here, Beka,” Yuri gasped out between piercing cries of horror. “You can’t just abandon me.”

Victor and Yuuri were crouching down in front of Yuri, blocking his view of Otabek, but he wouldn’t have any of it.

“Let me go, damn it,” Yuri pleaded with them, obviously desperate to get away from them, but he couldn’t even stand up. “I love him,” he cried, “he can’t just leave me here.”

Otabek knew Yuri wasn’t talking to him anymore, but it still hurt just as much.

He could hear hushed whispers from Victor and Yuuri that did very little to calm Yuri down. The blonde was crying his heart out, broken down on the cold floor, and with the whole airport watching.

“You should go,” Mila eventually said to Otabek. “Just go,” she added, brushing the tears on his face away.

With one last look at Yuri’s tiny figure hunched down on the floor, surrounded by Victor and Yuuri, Otabek stepped away from Mila and turned around.

“Don’t just fucking leave me,” was the last thing he heard from Yuri as he scanned his ticket with shaking fingers to get to the security scans.

Otabek’s entire body was trembling by the time he finally made it through security. The first thing he did was go to the restroom, where he barely managed to lock the door of the stall he was in, before he leaned over the toilet and threw up as violently as he had never done before in his entire life.

He sank to his knees, his bag hastily dropped by his side, and gripped the side of the toilet so intensely that his knuckles turned white, as he emptied what felt like all of his inner organs into the toilet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me now...


	5. Is Your Heart still Mine?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In St. Petersburg, Yuri is unsure about how he feels now that he's alone again. Back in Almaty, Otabek's friends make sure he knows they're there for him while Otabek doesn't know where he stands with Yuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still alive after the last chapter, thank you for joining me again! This chapter isn't that much on the heavy side, so hopefully this will be a bit of a breather for the time being. ;)
> 
> On a different note, Maxim, Temir, the girls and the twins now all have surnames, birthdays, jobs and instagram handles! Haha! The entire timeline for what happened to Ezra all those years ago is completed as well, so things are getting serious again soon...

**_Saturday, 14 th January, St. Petersburg, 11.56am_ **

Yuri couldn’t really remember much from the ride home. The only thing he was able to recollect was seeing Otabek walk away, turning his back to him and disappearing through the security area at the airport. He knew Victor and Yuuri had been trying to talk to him, but he had had no energy left in him to do that.

Somehow he had ended up in the backseat of Victor’s car again, clinging to Mila because he needed _someone_ to hold on to, but it just hadn’t been the same. Mila wasn’t Otabek after all.

The physical pain Yuri found himself in when he was back home, was new to him. When his grandpa had died, he felt similar but death was something permanent. As horrible as it had been to lose his grandpa, Yuri strangely enough found comfort in the knowledge that he would never see him again. He had to deal with it and move on.

Knowing that he was going to see Otabek again at some point, was a lot more difficult to accept.

As soon as Yuri stepped foot into his room, he slammed the door behind him, and locked it. The eerie awareness that he was completely alone now, was making him anxious, but he was home. Nothing would happen to him there.

He dropped his jacket on the desk chair and violently ripped his shoes off. Yuri went to his wardrobe, got Otabek’s Kazakhstan team t-shirt out and immediately changed into it. His eyes were stinging and aching.

For the past week he had the luxury of having Otabek next to him. Now he was alone and all that was left was his boyfriend’s t-shirt and his teddy bear.

Yuri saw Potya curled up on the carpet in front of the balcony door, basking in the warm winter sun. He picked up Otabek’s teddy bear from the nightstand and threw himself on his bed, pulling the duvet up to his nose.

Everything still smelled like Otabek.

Potya jumped up on the bed a minute later. She looked at him like she was waiting for something, but Yuri didn’t know what.

He lifted the duvet a little bit and Potya got under it without any further prompting. She curled up in front of his chest, so Yuri put the teddy bear under his head instead to rest on it. Yuri’s fingers were lazily stroking through Potya’s fur which made she purr at the affection.

That scene he had made at the airport was playing on repeat in Yuri’s mind. He didn’t know what had gotten into him then. He was mad, but he knew he was also in love. How could he have said all those things to Otabek, when he didn’t mean any of them?

**_Saturday, 14 th January, St. Petersburg, 4.12pm_ **

A little while later Yuri had fallen asleep from utter exhaustion. Crying and screaming in front of an audience at the airport had apparently been quite taxing, but it didn’t compare to the ache in his chest he felt whenever he thought about what he had done to Otabek.

Yuri woke up to someone knocking on the door, disturbing his granted not very peaceful nap.

“Yuri, come on,” he heard Mila’s voice from outside his bedroom. “We made some sandwiches.”

“And peppermint tea,” Yuuri added.

Otabek was the only one who knew how Yuri liked his black tea. He drank it without sugar, milk or honey, but still no one was able to make it the way Otabek did, so when he was home, Yuri preferred peppermint tea. The image of a hot and steaming mug of it came to his mind, and he had to admit that he was longing for it.

It still didn’t make any difference though. He stayed in bed and ignored the excessive knocking from Mila and Yuuri.

**_Saturday, 14 th January, St. Petersburg, 5.03pm_ **

“I’m going to text Otabek,” Mila announced while Yuuri was in the process of making yet more tea.

She was already typing away on her phone when Victor joined them in the kitchen.

“I don’t think Yurio should go to Sheffield,” he stated matter-of-factly as if he wasn’t going to discuss this any further, but Mila had something to say.

“You know that’s not your choice, Victor,” she said, “Otabek said Yuri wants to go and I highly doubt that you can keep him from doing so.”

Victor obviously considered her words for a moment but he wasn’t easily swayed.

“How do we know that Yurio really wants to go? Are we supposed to rely on what Otabek told us?” he enquired.

Yuuri turned around at that, a bottle of milk in his hands.

“Are you implying that Otabek lied to us?” he asked curiously.

Victor sighed at that. Mila didn’t think Otabek would lie to them, but a small part of her could see where Victor was coming from, although she wouldn’t admit that. She did believe that Yuri wanted to compete at the European Championships.

“No,” Victor eventually said, “but I want Yurio to tell us himself.”

Now _that_ Mila could get behind. It was worrying her that Yuri still hadn’t really talked to anyone other than Otabek.

“You’re not his coach, Victor. Technically he doesn’t have to tell you anything,” Mila chimed in nonetheless.

She couldn’t help herself. Understanding Victor was one thing, defending Yuri’s wishes was another.

“I know that, but I care about him,” Victor almost snapped at her. Mila didn’t let it bother her though. They were all on edge.

“We all do,” Yuuri then interrupted, “but there’s no point in pushing him.”

Another good point, Mila thought. If the old Yuri was still inside him somewhere, he would explode at all of them if they were to take it too far. Yuri getting better would take time, but she was convinced that was exactly what he needed, and she would give it to him.

When Victor didn’t say anything else and just sipped at his tea, Mila finished her text to Otabek. She typed a message, and deleted it, typed another one, and deleted that as well. In the end she kept it simple, because what else was she supposed to say?

**_Saturday, 14 th January, Almaty, 8.20pm_ **

Otabek felt absolutely disgusting. He had bought some cheap mouthwash to rinse his mouth after he had emptied his entire stomach in a semi-dirty toilet stall at the airport, but it didn’t do much. The awful taste was still lingering in his mouth, although he couldn’t tell if that was simply his imagination or if it was really there.

He was tired, just so _so_ tired. Yuri’s words didn’t leave him, and he didn’t expect them to any time soon.

 _I fucking hate you_ , Yuri had said. Hearing the blonde’s voice in his head, saying those exact words to him, stung so much.

If Victor, Yuuri and Mila hadn’t picked up on the fact that him and Yuri were clearly more than just friends, they certainly knew now. It wasn’t just the kisses they had shared before Yuri’s mood had made an unexpected U-turn, but rather what Yuri said about them having slept together the night before. Did Yuri really think that that was all Otabek was after? Did he really think that Otabek would risk their friendship just to get into Yuri’s panst? He wanted to refuse to believe it, only he couldn’t.

Yuri’s voice had been so sincere, so firm, like he had really meant what he said.

Otabek was desperate to stop thinking about it. Go home, go to sleep and just stop existing.

That was a lot easier said than done when he saw Temir waiting for him at the airport in Almaty. He walked out of customs and only made it a few steps further, before his eyes caught his friend looking out for him.

Otabek stopped in his tracks. His bag slid off his shoulder without him even noticing. He couldn’t bring his feet to move but he didn’t have to. Temir was standing in front of him a few second later.

It was too hard to say something when Otabek felt the tears returning to his eyes. Everything came rushing back. Yuri’s arms around his waist before he had pushed him back, Yuri’s intimidating eyes filled with anger and then despair, all the things Yuri verbally threw at him, and how he had said that he loved and hated Otabek in basically the same breath.

Temir didn’t say anything either. He didn’t ask what had happened. All he did was put his arms around Otabek’s shoulders and pull him in for a hug, and that was the moment Otabek broke down sobbing.

**_Saturday, 14 th January, Almaty, 9pm_ **

They had spent the ride home to Otabek’s apartment in complete silence. The only sound audible in the car had been Otabek’s quiet sniffles from time to time, when he tried but ultimately failed to pull himself together again.

By the time they reached his building, Otabek’s eyes hurt even more than before. He was going to do everything he could to avoid looking into a mirror until he had showered. That much he knew.

Temir hadn’t asked if he should stay, but he still followed Otabek inside. What Otabek didn’t expect were all of his other friends waiting for him when he opened his apartment door. They were all there standing in his living room.

The girls appeared close to tears just looking at him, while Maxim was holding Ginger in his arms. The twins seemed a bit unsure, of what exactly Otabek didn’t know.

Yet another time he dropped his bag on the floor where he stood, but this time he willed himself to move. Otabek walked over to Ezra and flung his arms around him, crying into his shoulder immediately.

He could hear feet shuffling, moving closer to him and Ezra, and a moment later all the others had their arms around the two of them, squeezing tight. A group hug like that had never happened before, but Otabek was beyond grateful that it did now.

Asel and Meiz, who Otabek thought he had never seen cry before, who could be so incredibly cold to people they didn’t know, and who were sassy and confident 24/7, were crying.

Otabek held on to Ezra as much as he could, his hands grabbing the back of his shirt balling into fists, and Ezra returned the hug with just as much intensity.

He couldn’t possibly say that he felt good now, but Otabek did feel better than before. It felt like something huge had suddenly been lifted from his shoulders.

It was hard to tell how much time had passed when they all finally untangled from each other, but Otabek didn’t care. They were all there for him and that was more than he had expected to come home to.

Eventually Otabek found himself curled up on the sofa, leaning against Ezra with Asel’s head in his lap. Just two weeks ago this would have been a sight neither one of them would have even dared to imagine.

Otabek was balancing a mug of tea in his hands, careful not to spill anything on Asel when he noticed sleeping bags, pillows and blankets stacked up under the window next to the couch.

“What is that all about?” he asked no one in particular, pointing towards the mountain of fabrics.

“We’re staying here tonight,” Maxim informed him without missing a beat.

Otabek did not protest. He ended up telling them what exactly had happened at the club with Yuri and how the week went while he was there. By the end of it, he recalled everything Yuri said to him at the airport, his heart clenching in his chest while more tears were slowly running down his cheeks. At least he wasn’t hyperventilating or sobbing anymore, but realising that did very little to comfort to him.

He tried his best to focus on the people around him, remind himself that they were all people he could count on. Alisur and Temir were keeping their distance but Otabek couldn’t blame them. He figured he was a lot to deal with in the state he was in.

At some point during the night everyone had fallen asleep, limbs piled on other body parts all over the living room. Sleep didn’t come as easily to Otabek though.

He slowly reached for his phone, trying not to move too much and wake anyone around him, because he wanted to text Yuri. First, he found a text from Mila instead.

 **Mila:** _Keep your head up. He loves you. x_

The urge to cry once he read her message was greater than ever, but he couldn’t. Otabek’s eyes were already burning and it was painful to want to cry when his body wasn’t physically capable of doing so anymore.

After reading that text from Mila, he had no idea what he could possibly text Yuri.

**_Sunday, 15 th January, Almaty, 7.16am_ **

Otabek’s entire body was aching by the time he woke up the next morning. He lazily tried to open his eyes, although his body was fighting him. Trying to raise his right arm to rub his eyes, Otabek realised he couldn’t.

Asel’s back was pressed to his chest and his arm was trapped underneath her head. He pressed a light kiss to the top of her head and then slowly scanned the room.

Maxim was sprawled out on the floor with Ginger snoozing right in front of his face. Temir was apparently able to sleep sitting up and leaned against the backrest of the sofa, while Meiz was curled up in Otabek’s usual spot on the bigger couch. The twins were on the floor as well, Ezra holding on to his brother like he would never let go. Otabek could only imagine the kinds of nightmares he was probably having lately.

When his phone vibrated briefly, Otabek raised his other arm from around Asel’s waist and fished around for it in his jeans pocket.

Much to his surprise, although it really shouldn’t have been, it was a text from Victor.

 **Victor N.:** _Are you and Yurio dating?_

Now Otabek really was surprised, but not at Victor and how direct his question was, but at himself because he was completely taken aback. Were they still dating? Did Yuri think they were?

 **Otabek:** _I don’t know._

It was the most honest answer he could give Victor, because he truly didn’t know anymore what Yuri wanted.

 **Victor N.:** _What do you mean, you don’t know? Are you or aren’t you?_

Otabek was starting to get agitated. Victor might have been the kind of guy that always acted all lovey-dovey around his fiancé (yes, him and Yuuri were still engaged and not yet married), but once in a while he let another side of him shine through, and that side was a lot more unpleasant. Otabek knew that Victor cared deeply for Yuri, but he didn’t know what the older Russian expected from him here.

 **Otabek:** _We were dating. I still want that, but I don’t know if Yura does. Not after I abandoned him yesterday._

He had no time to think about what he typed before he hit send.

Yuri had been right. Otabek did abandon him at the airport. He should have stayed, made sure that Yuri was finding himself again, that he reconnected with everyone around him. It should not have been a thought to even consider whether or not he would go back to Almaty. Otabek had been so convinced that Yuri was his number one priority, and he had still gotten on that plane and left him behind in St. Petersburg.

He mulled over those things for a little while. Victor was almost completely forgotten when Otabek received another text.

 **Victor N.:** _Enough chit-chat, Otabek. I can imagine that you’re upset over what Yurio said to you at the airport, but he clearly loves you. I didn’t even know he could have those kinds of feelings for anyone if I’m being perfectly honest. Regardless, he chose you and if you love him too, fight for him. Don’t just give up on him because things got tough. I know Yurio means a lot to you and I know that you two can get through this._

Otabek wasn’t sure what Victor really thought about him dating Yuri. On the one hand he seemed upset and on the other hand he wanted them to stay together. It was very difficult to read between the lines when it came to Victor, over text just as much as in person.

 **Otabek:** _I am not giving up on him. I’m just afraid that he has given up on me._

Once he sent that message, Otabek noticed that he hadn’t commented anything on whether or not he loved Yuri too. He had thought about it so many times and he was sure he did, but he still hadn’t admitted it or told anyone he did, least of all Yuri.

 **Victor N.:** _I can see why you might think he has, but he hasn’t. He wouldn’t be this upset over you going back home if he didn’t care about you._

Otabek so desperately wanted to believe Victor. He wanted to be confident enough about his relationship with Yuri that he wouldn’t doubt their commitment to each other, but it had only been two weeks since they crossed that line from friendship to being more than just friends to each other, and it had only been five days since they both used the word ‘boyfriend’ for the first time.

But Yuri had said he loved him. It had been masked by soul-crushing sobs and hollow screams, but he had said it.

**_Sunday, 15 th January, Almaty, 2.26pm_ **

**Otabek:** _I miss you…_

It was the only thing Otabek wanted to tell Yuri.

**_Sunday, 15 th January, Almaty, 2.48pm_ **

Otabek hadn’t really moved away from the couch all day. He still felt like crap and nothing anyone did or said made him feel any better. Not that he expected that to happen anyway, but that tiny seed of hope inside him just wouldn’t die.

Asel and Maxim had left before midday for their weekly Sunday lunch with their families. Now the others were fussing around in the kitchen trying to cook… something. Otabek had no idea what concoction they were attempting. The smell coming from the kitchen didn’t really give anything away, which was either a really good sign or a really bad sign. Otabek wasn’t sure.

Sitting on the couch, and _sleeping_ on the couch, for so long was probably not a good idea but he couldn’t bring himself to get up, let alone go out. Otabek’s body was exhausted. Even after a gruesome training session at the rink had he never felt this shattered, or perhaps it was just a different kind of exhaustion. Every muscle in his body was aching. Just lifting an arm to rub his tired eyes was putting a strain on him.

Without actually checking himself out in a mirror, Otabek knew he most likely looked as awful as he felt. The sweatpants he was wearing were the oldest ones he had, with probably a hole or two somewhere in them, and the oversized t-shirt he had put on used to belong to his dad. It was completely washed out and the colours had faded long ago.

“You look like shit,” Ezra bluntly informed him when he walked over to Otabek.

No need for a mirror anymore.

“Thanks,” Otabek said, in regards to Ezra’s comment, before he gratefully took the tea that was offered to him.

Meiz, Temir and Alisur were still busy in the kitchen while Ezra and Otabek were wallowing in their own solitudes on the sofa for a moment, despite sitting right next to each other.

“How are you feeling?” Ezra eventually asked, his voice small and quiet.

Otabek couldn’t help but huff some air out of his lungs. He knew Ezra meant well, he just didn’t see the point of it.

“You said I look like shit,” Otabek replied, “and that’s pretty much how I feel.”

Ezra gave him a small understanding smile.

“You do know that Yuri didn’t mean it when he said he hated you, right?” he then asked with such determination that it irritated Otabek.

“How can I possibly know that, Ezra?” Otabek wanted to know, because he really had no idea.

None of them had actually heard Yuri say it. Not the ‘I hate you’ and not the ‘I love him’, none of it. Otabek appreciated the fact that his friends obviously cared about him. They certainly wouldn’t have stayed over and slept on his living room floor if they didn’t, but they just couldn’t understand how he felt.

Otabek watched Ezra turn sideways so he was facing him. He sat cross-legged with his own mug in his hands and stared at Otabek, his brows furrowed and his mouth pressed into a single thin line.

Just a moment later, he spoke up again.

“I know you saw me, Asel and Yuri go out on the balcony on New Year’s Eve. Did you ask Yuri why we went out?” Ezra asked, clearly aiming for something specific.

“He said he told you two that he wanted to be more than friends with me,” Otabek told him, because that’s pretty much what Yuri had said.

Otabek had noticed them all leaving at the beginning of the party, but at the time it didn’t make him suspicious at all. Of course then all the unnecessary kissing happened between Yuri and Ezra, and Otabek had gotten curious. When he had asked Yuri about it the next day, Yuri had said he told them that he wanted to be with Otabek.

“That’s what Yuri said?” Ezra asked again, digging deeper.

“Pretty much,” Otabek replied, now even more confused as to why Ezra was asking him these questions.

Ezra sighed visibly but he didn’t seem annoyed. It was more some sort of sign indicating that he knew there was more to it.

“When we went out on the balcony, Asel and I didn’t even have a chance to ask Yuri what he wanted,” Ezra explained, and Otabek’s eyebrows furrowed. “You know the first thing he blurted out as soon as the door closed behind us? He said, ‘I think I’m falling in love with Beka.’”

Otabek stared at him, eyes wide in surprise. He didn’t think that Yuri had been this blunt with his friends.

“When he said those words, it kind of seemed like he had been holding this in for quite some time,” Ezra continued.

Before Otabek knew what would come out of his mouth, he told Ezra something he hadn’t told anyone yet.

“Yuri had a dream about me while we were in Vancouver,” Otabek began. “He completely freaked out on me because of it. He thought he was going to ruin our friendship.”

Ezra looked sympathetic but sceptic at the same time.

“Vancouver was at the beginning of December, right?” he asked, and then added, “I don’t think that’s when his feelings changed. Trust me, it’s been a long time coming for Yuri.”

“He said he hates me, Ezra,” Otabek replied, doubting very much that Yuri had harboured feelings for him much longer than Vancouver.

When Ezra sighed this time, he did seem a little annoyed, or maybe just frustrated.

“He was upset, Beka. He feels abandoned. You’re the only person he trusts right now and you’re not there to be with him anymore,” Ezra said, and Otabek suddenly felt even worse than before.

“If you’re trying to make me feel better, you’re achieving the exact opposite,” Otabek dead-panned at him.

Ezra’s sighing was starting to really piss Otabek off.

“I’m just pointing out that you can’t take what Yuri said at the airport as facts. He was overwhelmed and felt lost,” Ezra tried to explain, “he doesn’t hate you, Beka. If anything, he really does love you.”

They sat there in silence again for a minute or so, giving Otabek a chance to think about what Ezra had said to him. He could see the reason behind his words but actually acknowledging that wasn’t as easy. Just the mental picture of Yuri breaking down at the airport, shouting at him and sobbing, still felt like someone slowly twisted a knife around in Otabek’s chest.

“You know,” Ezra started again, “I’m sure I would have acted just like Yuri did if I didn’t have all of you around me back then.”

Otabek was incredibly irritated by the casual way Ezra had said that. Plus he had been afraid of someone bringing this up, because he wasn’t sure what to say and, because he actually hadn’t really been around when Ezra got assaulted. He was away for competitions.

Realising that he really didn’t want to talk about any of it anymore, Otabek tried to smile at Ezra when he said, “thanks.”

**_Sunday, 15 th January, Almaty, 8.01pm_ **

Alisur, Ezra and Meiz had left after dinner, but Temir was still there. Otabek was wondering why he didn’t leave, but he wasn’t going to ask either. He had to admit that it was nice not to be alone.

“Can I stay over?” Temir asked without actually looking away from the television.

Otabek appreciated the way Temir didn’t try to make a big deal out if. He knew why his friend wanted to stay, but he wasn’t one to point it out. There was no need to do that.

“Sure,” was all Otabek replied. He watched Temir exhale deeply, a definite sign that he had been afraid that Otabek’s response would be something else.

They’ve known each other for so long that they couldn’t really surprise each other anymore. Most of the time it seemed pointless to even try to fool the other one, because they both saw through something like that in a second. Granted that them trying to fool each other did lead to some rather interesting situations and stories over the years.

A few minutes later and Temir excused himself to go to the bathroom. Otabek used that chance to try to get in touch with Yuri.

His laptop was already turned on and sitting beside him on the sofa. He shifted to sit cross-legged and rested the laptop on his knees. Opening the Skype app, Otabek couldn’t help but feel sick in an instant. He desperately wanted to talk to Yuri, but he had no idea what he would actually say if he were to answer the call.

He let it ring quite a few times. Normally Yuri picked up after a few seconds, but this time there was nothing. The screen stayed blank.

Otabek didn’t know what he had expected. Massive disappointment spread through him anyway.

**_Sunday, 15 th January, St. Petersburg, 6.29pm_ **

For the first time since they had gotten back from dropping Otabek off at the airport the previous morning, was Yuri leaving his room. He hadn’t had any appetite the night before, but now the smell of food did coax him out of his room.

He was cautious at first, trying to look around the corner to check who was actually in the apartment. When he spotted Victor on the couch, Yuri could feel himself relax immediately.

Walking into the living room, he didn’t even wait for the other Russian to say anything before he blurted out the only important question he had on his mind.

“Katsudon pirozhki?” he asked, because that was exactly what it smelled like.

Victor only nodded and pointed towards the kitchen where his fiancé was already getting plates out.

Tempted by the promise of his favourite dish, Yuri walked over to the bar and waited for his food. Only a few moments later, Yuuri handed him a plate full of the pirozhki he was longing for.

Ever since Yuri’s grandpa had died, Katsuki had perfected the recipe. In fact, he was the only one who could make the katsudon pirozhki now. They didn’t quite taste the same as his grandpa’s, but they were equally delicious. Yuri would never actually admit that to anyone, certainly didn’t mean it wasn’t true.

Sitting down in his corner on one of the two-seaters, Yuri was painfully aware that Otabek wasn’t sitting next to him anymore. He couldn’t curl up next to his boyfriend. Their legs weren’t touching and Yuri wasn’t able to feel the steady up and down of Otabek’s chest when he was leaning into him.

Yuri tried his hardest to focus on his food instead of that haunting feeling of abandonment he seemingly couldn’t shake, when his phone rang briefly.

He typed in his pin (which was still Otabek’s birthday) to unlock the screen only to find another text from his boyfriend.

Yuri knew his facial expression had changed, but to what exactly he obviously couldn’t tell.

“Is that from Otabek?” Victor then asked, and Yuri immediately looked up at him, glaring.

“None of your business, old man,” Yuri shot back, already annoyed with the entire situation.

He saw Katsuki smirk, which irritated him to no end.

“What is so funny, idiot?” he spat out at Yuuri, his brows furrowed so deep it almost hurt him.

Victor had the audacity to laugh now as well, and Yuri was starting to get really angry at them.

“I just realised that I missed your insults,” Katsuki admitted, giggling, while he leaned into his fiancé.

Yuri sighed deeply, completely exasperated and pretty much done with both of them.

“Fuck off,” he bit at them, and then turned his attention back to his phone.

He was torn about wanting to read the message and wanting to throw his phone across the room. Yuri decided not to do either one of those things just now. Burying his phone back in his pocket, he picked up his pirozhki again and took another bite.

"You need to talk to him," Victor then said out of nowhere. Yuri didn’t have to ask who he was talking about.

“All I _need_ to do is die one day. That’s it,” Yuri growled and got up from the couch.

He stalked into his bedroom and slammed the door behind him. Potya was apparently used to this as she didn’t move at all from her spot on his bed. She lazily opened an eye to check who was disturbing her, but that was about it.

Yuri put his plate on the nightstand and lay down next to Potya. He had ignored Otabek’s first message, well, not really ignored, rather acknowledged it and then filed it away to respond to it later.

By the time Yuri decided to check Otabek’s latest text, there were actually already five of them.

 **Beka <3:** _Please talk to me, Yura…_

~~I want to…~~

**Beka <3:** _I wish I could still be lying in bed with you…_

~~Then why aren’t you?~~

**Beka <3:** _Ginger misses you. She’s curled up on the shirt you forgot._

~~I miss her too.~~

**Beka <3:** _Please don’t shut me out, Yura._

~~I miss you, Beka…~~

**Beka <3:** _Do you really hate me?_

~~Yes.  
No.~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things I'd like to mention...
> 
> I want to shout out a maaassive THANK YOU to everyone who has left a comment on the last chapter! I laughed and cried in equal measures reading what you wrote. I can't thank you all enough for reading the shit I put out there, constantly leaving comments and motivating me! I want to hug you all and I really, really, reeeally appreciate you taking the time to write comments! 
> 
> Next update won't be until Monday night I'm afraid. :( I'm moving rooms (just rooms, not houses but still) tomorrow and I actually have plans to leave the house on Sunday. Bet none of you thought I was that crazy?! ;) 
> 
> PS: I just realised the series cracked 100K with this chapter! WTF??? I wish I would've been this productive at uni...


	6. It's Driving Me Crazy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otabek and Yuri both struggle. One of them because his hands are forcefully tied, the other one because his mind won't listen to his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly thought the last chapter wasn't too heavy in terms of angst but then you all said it made you cry. I'm so sorry! I really thought it would be a good chapter for a break but obviously that didn't happen. :( Because I felt so horrible about throwing that sad crap at you, I forced myself to write a new chapter a day earlier than I said I would. I'm clearly not good at judging how angsty a chapter is, so I'm just going to leave you with this new chapter and not say anything about it...

**_Monday, 16 th January, St. Petersburg, 6.29am_ **

Yuri had barely managed to keep his eyes shut throughout the night. On top of every single emotion he was already fighting, he could now also add sleep-deprivation to that list. It wasn’t like the first night without Otabek had been any better, in fact, it might have been even worse, but last night was awful in a different way. Yuri didn’t really know how to explain it. It just felt ten times more horrible.

He had been awake for most of the night so getting up in the morning wasn’t actually that big of deal, neither had showering or getting dressed been. As long as Yuri avoided his phone and laptop, he was alright… for the time being at least.

When he joined Victor and Yuuri in the kitchen, he was startled because _they_ were startled.

“Why are you up already?” Victor asked as if it was a crime to wake up early on a Monday morning.

Yuri walked over to the stove and helped himself to a bowl of kasha. It was literally the only thing Victor knew how to cook, even though there were tons of different ways to prepare it. Yuri liked his sweet, just not too sweet (no one was ever going to catch him putting honey on his for example).

He crushed a few frozen raspberries on his oatmeal and a little bit of agave syrup, before he sat down at the bar opposite of the other two men.

“Why do you think? I’m going to practice,” Yuri announced but it only earned him an even more confused look from Victor.

“Are you sure you’re up for that?” Katsuki had to chime in obviously.

Yuri was already annoyed but he wouldn’t park his lazy ass at home all day. He had missed more than enough practice because of this fucking stupid thing that happened.

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asked, his voice low and threatening.

Yuuri swallowed visibly and Victor was still staring. What was wrong with them?

“I’m just saying that no one expects you at the rink. That’s all,” Katsuki tried to defuse the situation.

“I don’t care if anyone expects me to be there. I’m going to Sheffield on Sunday, so I need to practice,” Yuri stated as if, for him at least, the conversation was over.

He shovelled more kasha into his mouth and tried not to pay any more attention to the other two.

Yuri didn’t really have a lot of options. He didn’t want to stay home, but he also didn’t necessarily want to spend more time with Victor and Katsuki than he had to. It was just a matter of knowing which would be worse, and that simply was staying home. He had to suck it up. Yuri hoped that the two older men would be too busy with themselves at the rink to pester him all day.

“I don’t think you should be going to Sheffield,” Victor eventually mumbled with a spoonful of blueberry kasha in his mouth.

“Tough break, old man,” Yuri spat out. “I don’t care what you think. I’m going.”

Yuri definitely felt like the discussion was finally over, but leave it up to Victor to just not know when to shut up.

“Have you talked to Otabek?” the other Russian asked casually, taking a sip from his tea.

Yuri saw how Katsuki shoved his elbow into Victor’s ribs, but it didn’t seem to result in anything. Victor was still staring at him and waiting for an answer. Only thing was that Yuri didn’t have one.

“I don’t know where your obsession with Beka is coming from, but why don’t you talk to him, huh? God knows I don’t want to,” Yuri growled and got up from his seat to place his empty bowl in the sink.

 _Tell Beka I miss him_ , Yuri wanted to add but the words wouldn’t pass his lips.

**_Monday, 16 th January, Almaty, 10.34pm_ **

**Otabek:** _I know you’re mad at me, Yura, but please don’t just ignore me._  
**Otabek:** _I miss you so much…_

**_Tuesday, 17 th January, St. Petersburg, 5.18pm_ **

The first day back at the rink without Otabek had gone better than Yuri expected. It was tough, very tough, being on his own without Otabek’s support, but he had managed somehow.

Thankfully everyone had kept their distance, not just physically but no one had actually wanted to talk to him either. The second day back was very similar.

Victor and Yuuri were very much lost in their own world, like they pretty much always were, while Yakov shouted rather unpleasant commands and instructions in his and Mila’s direction. Lilia stood at the side of the rink, criticising his every more, or so it seemed.

Yuri felt a strange sense of gratefulness. Some things just never changed and it was good to know what those things, or who those people were.

The day before and this morning he had fought hard to step outside of the apartment. The only reason he had pushed himself to do it was Victor’s and Katsuki’s presence. Yuri wouldn’t be caught dead admitting it out loud, but at least he himself had made his peace with the fact that he would definitely have not made it to practice if it weren’t for them. As annoying and gross as they could be, they were a constant in Yuri’s life that he could rely on.

Yuri and Mila hadn’t talked about what happened at the club since Otabek had come the day after, and a massive part of him didn’t want to talk about it anymore either. He knew ignoring the issue wasn’t doing him any favours, but neither did playing the incident on repeat in his mind. Yuri wanted a break from it all, push it aside and focus on something else.

That other thing was skating.

He had only ten days left before he would have to step on the ice in Sheffield to perform his short program. Just the thought of it brought a lot of annoying, and frustrating memories back from Vancouver. Yuri had royally screwed up his performance there, but he wasn’t going to make that same mistake again.

Whenever he heard the music for his short program, Yuri grudgingly had to admit (only to himself) that Victor had indeed done a bloody brilliant job choreographing the routine. The music wasn’t really what either one of them would usually choose, but that was probably the whole point. Victor always wanted to surprise people, and that was exactly what he did by picking this piece for Yuri. Plus, the routine had a number of spins Yuri absolutely loved, simply because even now he could still perform them so incredibly well.

He had messed up in Vancouver. He would not mess up again.

By the time practice was over and everyone was getting ready, Yuri grabbed his bag and went to the restrooms before they left. He flung the door open and was relieved to find the place completely empty.

Yuri locked himself in a stall and dropped his bag on the floor. He had just unzipped his jeans when he heard the restroom door creak open. Feet were shuffling on the floor, and Yuri could hear two different voices, both of them obviously men, and both of them sounded a lot older than him.

Panic immediately set in his stomach, climbed up his throat and threatened to choke him. Yuri tried to soundlessly shut the toilet lid to climb on top of it. He crouched down on the toilet, his bag squeezed tight to his chest.

Yuri was very well aware of the fact that he was overreacting, but his brain didn’t seem to be able to process that knowledge. The hushed voices coming from outside his stall made him uneasy, frightened even. He wanted to hold his breath and breathe frantically at the same time. It was awful.

He could hear the men’s voices, but he didn’t know what they were saying. It felt like their actual words didn’t reach his ears. It was all hushed and mumbled, nothing made sense.

Once the two men had left, Yuri thought he would calm down again, but he didn’t. His heart was beating so fast, it was starting to physically hurt him. His face was wet and he couldn’t even remember when he had started crying. His nose was running, and his eyes were burning. Yuri didn’t understand what was happening to him.

When someone suddenly knocked on his stall door, he almost jumped in surprise. He hadn’t heard anyone else come into the restroom, and no one should know that he was in that stall to begin with.

Panic. Again.

“Yurio,” Katsuki’s voice then travelled through the door, “is everything ok?”

Yuri didn’t get down from the toilet. He just leaned forward and flicked the lock open. Other than that, he stayed glued to where he was sitting.

Katsuki slowly opened the door and all Yuri could see was concern on his face when he looked up. He was starting to get really sick of seeing that expression on people’s faces, but this time he could actually see why Katsuki was staring at him like this.

Yuri was a mess, and not even a pretty one at that.

**_Tuesday, 17 th January, St. Petersburg, 9.52pm_ **

It was hard to tell whether or not Katsuki had told Victor about what happened in the restroom at the rink, but Yuri tried not to let it get to him. He had spent most of his time since they got home in his room with the door kept ajar so he could make sure the others were in the apartment.

Yuri had brushed his teeth and changed into his pyjamas (which consisted of a pair of shorts and Otabek’s Kazakhstan team t-shirt) fairly early, because he knew he needed to be ready when the time came.

There was a brief knock on his doorframe before Yuuri and Victor poked their heads in.

“We’re off to bed,” Katsuki told him, and Yuri immediately got up from his bed.

“Fine,” he mumbled, then grabbed Otabek’s teddy bear and turned the lamp on his nightstand off.

Yuri noticed the highly confused expressions on the other two men’s faces when he walked past them and straight into their bedroom, which was exactly opposite of his. He got rid of the insane amount of decorative pillows that adorned the massive king-sized bed, before he pulled the duvet back and lay down right in the middle. The teddy bear was clutched to his chest and his eyes were fixed to the ceiling.

“What exactly is happening here?” Victor asked, irritation clear in his voice, when him and Katsuki walked into their own bedroom to check out what Yuri had done.

“I’m sleeping here tonight,” he dead-panned as if that was the only, and most logical explanation he could possibly give them.

“And why exactly is that?” Victor then enquired again, but before Yuri could reply, Katsuki interrupted them both.

“It’s alright, Vitya. We’ll manage,” he said before he lay down on Yuri’s right side.

Victor seemed rather stunned by what was happening. Yuri watched him as he gave his fiancé another questioning look, only to get into bed on Yuri’s other side.

The bed was more than big enough for all three of them. They wouldn’t have to deal with accidental kicks to their shins or other limbs flying around. Even if he had to, Yuri would have dealt with it. Bottom line was that he didn’t want to be alone, and if the couple he was living with was the only option he had to feel less freaked out and lonely, then he was willing to make it work.

Just when he thought they were all finally more or less comfortable, Victor was complaining again.

“Is that monstrous teddy bear really necessary?” he asked clearly a little annoyed.

“Is your face really necessary?” Yuri growled in response. “Leave me alone.”

Victor shuffled behind him, and huffed out some air before Yuri saw him propping up his elbow and resting his head on his hand.

“Ok, new ground rules,” he began, while Katsuki pretended to cough, “if you want to stay here, I want some answers in return.”

Yuri sighed heavily. He weighed his options and eventually gave in, knowing that there was no way around it. He sat up straight with his legs stretched out in front of him and the teddy bear placed in his lap.

“What is it, idiot?” Yuri asked, while Katsuki shifted as well now, getting up to sit cross-legged beside him.

“Victor, I don’t think this…”

Neither Yuri nor Victor would find out what he was going to say, because Victor thought it was wise to cut him off.

“Yes, my dear, it is. I think Yurio owes us some explanations,” Victor said, his signature sweet-as-ever smile thrown happily in Yuuri’s direction.

Yuri saw Katsuki roll his eyes and he surprised himself by smirking at that. It wasn’t everyday someone would see the Japanese man do that, especially not at his hyper husband-to-be.

“Then spit it out, old man,” Yuri once again said, glaring at Victor. “I’m here to sleep, not to be interrogated.”

“Ha,” Victor huffed, “too late.”

Then it was Yuri who rolled his eyes. At some point the other Russian was going to be the death of him. No one would ever be able to survive this man. Yuri had no idea how Katsuki dealt with him all the time.

“I want yes or no answers,” Victor instructed Yuri. “Understood?”

Yuri reluctantly nodded and rolled his eyes again for good measure. Katsuki already buried his face in his hands, probably thinking that this was not going to end well, and Yuri had a slight suspicion that he might be right.

“Do you really want to go to Sheffield on Sunday?” Victor asked first, because he apparently couldn’t help himself. Yuri was already tired of this discussion. Why was it so difficult to understand that he wanted to compete?

“Yes,” he said firmly, seriously hoping that Victor would finally let it go now.

“Do you think you can win?” was Victor’s follow-up question.

It took Yuri only a fraction of a second before he responded with a definite ‘yes.’

“Have you talked to Otabek since he left?”

Otabek was another topic Victor was apparently hell-bend on discussing with him, and it was another topic Yuri had been expecting.

“No,” he eventually answered honestly. So far he hadn’t responded to any of Otabek’s text messages.

“Are you two dating?” Victor wanted to know then.

Were they? Yuri didn’t know.

“Yes. No. I don’t know.” It was the closest he could get to the truth.

“Have you slept with him yet?” Victor asked next.

That question did surprise him a lot more than he thought it would. After his little scene at the airport, Yuri had thought that Victor and Yuuri were aware that him and Otabek had taken that step at least once.

“Victor…” Katsuki threw in, only for Victor to fling a hand in his direction to dismiss him. His eyes were fixed on Yuri.

“Yurio, have you slept with Otabek?” he repeated himself, now more urgently, and Yuri suddenly felt incredibly uncomfortable. He wasn’t shy about having sex, telling his partner what he wanted in bed, or talking about it in general, but he certainly wasn’t a big fan of discussing his own sex life, least of all with Victor.

“Yes,” he truthfully answered nevertheless.

Yuri saw Katsuki blush at his answer, although his eyes were wide in apparent surprise which he should not have felt in the first place. 

"Did you use protection?" Victor asked without missing a beat, and that was the question that finally made Yuri snap.

“That’s none of your business, asshole,” he blurted out, before he lay down again, facing Katsuki with his back towards Victor.

“Yes or no,” Victor reminded him then, although Yuri really didn’t need to be reminded. He was just done with this conversation.

“None of your business,” he snapped again.

Yuri tucked the teddy bear under his chin and sighed. He had no idea why he was talking about Otabek with Victor to begin with. Whatever was going on between him and Otabek was of no concern to Victor or Katsuki.

He held on to the teddy bear as tight as he could, pressing it into his own chest. When Victor had finally let it all go (for the night at least), Yuuri lay down again as well. He was facing Yuri and reaching out a hand. Yuri watched him carefully, but he didn’t flinch or move away when Katsuki pushed a strand of his golden hair out of his face. He mouthed a silent ‘sorry’, but Yuri understood just perfectly.

In the end, Yuri failed to realise that the only reason he got so upset about Victor grilling him about Otabek was that he didn’t know where he really stood with Otabek, or at what point their relationship was. Was Otabek still his boyfriend? Did Otabek still _want_ to be his boyfriend?

Yuri didn’t know and that was probably the worst thing of them all.

**_Wednesday, 18 th January, St. Petersburg, 6.04am_ **

The next morning Yuri found his phone blinking vigorously. He was afraid to check who was trying to get in touch with him, because he already knew.

 **Beka <3:** _I miss your face…_

The text was from just after 10pm. Otabek had texted him at 1 o’clock in the morning.

**_Wednesday, 18 th January, Almaty, 7.22pm_ **

After three days back at practice Otabek thought he felt his entire body shut down. He felt horrible.

He had been so convinced that getting back on the ice after a week away would be good, that it would help him to deal with all the crazy stuff that was going on, but nothing seemed to work.

Yuri was occupying his thoughts constantly. He was the first thing Otabek thought about when he woke up and the last thing when he went to sleep, not that he had slept a lot anyway.

It had been four days already since he left Yuri at the airport in St. Petersburg and he hadn’t heard anything from the blonde since then. It was tearing at his heartstrings. He wanted nothing more than to talk to Yuri, but so far all of his texts went unanswered.

Temir had practically tucked Otabek in every night since he had gotten back, and he had stayed over all week so far. Otabek felt a little guilty for enjoying having him around so much. It certainly took the edge off a little bit and it felt good not to be alone with his thoughts.

However, just the fact that he had company didn’t keep Otabek from working. Sure, he had practice all day long, but when he got home it was music that his heart was beating for.

He was sat in his guest bedroom where the sofa was still pulled-out since Temir was staying over again.

Otabek had his headphones on, a pad on the desk in front of him and a pencil in his hand, when Temir came into the room and placed a hot mug of tea on the desk next to him.

“Thanks,” he said, pulling down his headphones.

Temir sat down on the bed, a cup of coffee in his own hands, before he seemed to notice the pad and pencil.

“What are you working on?” he asked curiously.

Otabek didn’t actually know if he was being completely honest. Writing wasn’t really his strong-suite, although he loved doing it. He was just never satisfied with it. Remixing someone else’s music or even composing his own were the areas that he felt absolutely confident in. Writing lyrics for his own stuff was a very different story.

“It’s an old composition I did with Ali years ago,” he eventually told Temir.

A small smile was grazing Temir’s lips when he took a sip from his coffee.

“You mean before he ditched music?” Temir teased, not thinking much of it apparently, but Otabek thought about something else.

“Before Ezra’s assault,” Otabek said, “yes.”

Alisur giving up on music had been the direct result of his brother landing in the hospital. Those two things correlated and Otabek couldn’t really blame Temir for not bringing it up directly.

“Have you talked to Ezra since you came home?” Temir asked, even though he was clearly uncomfortable with the topic, judging by the way he was fidgeting.

“Not really,” Otabek honestly replied. “I don’t really know what to say to him.”

Temir nodded silently and Otabek knew he wouldn’t get anything else out of him in regards to Ezra, or Yuri for that matter. He figured it didn’t make much of a difference, but he had a better idea now why Temir was hanging around his place so much lately.

**_Wednesday, 18 th January, St. Petersburg, 8.03pm_ **

**Beka <3:** _I miss falling asleep with you next to me…_

**_Thursday, 19 th January, Almaty, 12.14pm_ **

After working on a new (technically old) song the night before, Otabek was flustered and just so incredibly frustrated. During his break at practice, he left the rink and sought out Alisur at the bank where he worked, knowing that his friend would have a break as well.

Otabek walked into the bank and looked around for a moment, before a staff member walked over to him. She asked him politely if she could help him with anything, and Otabek thought he might as well ask her where he could find Alisur instead of stupidly waiting around.

“Could you tell me where Alisur Ilyin is? He’s a friend of mine and I would like to talk to him,” Otabek explained himself, and just then he realised that he probably should’ve just texted Alisur in advance. It would’ve been much easier if he had told him he was coming over.

The lady Otabek asked for help smiled at him and told him to wait. Not two minutes later Alisur came out from a restricted staff only area. He smiled awkwardly when he spotted Otabek, which in turn threw Otabek off a little, but he didn’t let it show.

“Hey,” Alisur greeted him. “What’s up, Beka?”

Otabek had no time for small talk, so he came straight to the point. “I need some advice,” he began. “Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

Alisur nodded quickly before they made their way out of the bank to the little bistro next door. They ordered tea and coffee, and sat down by a small table next the big window front.

“How are you doing?” Alisur asked before Otabek had a chance to say anything.

The waitress came over with their drinks just then. They thanked her nicely. Otabek sighed when she was gone.

“Pretty awful to be honest,” he confessed. Alisur nodded and Otabek knew it wasn’t a patronising or clueless nod. Alisur really did understand.

“How can I help Yuri? What can I do to make this whole thing better for him?” Otabek asked, his voice breaking with every word.

Alisur reached a hand out to him, patting the back of his gently, but it actually made things worse instead of better. Otabek desperately wanted to cry. It felt like everything came crushing down on him, everything at once, and Alisur hadn’t even said anything yet.

“Just make sure you’re there for him when he needs you,” Alisur said, his voice also quiet and small.

“How can I be there for him when I’m not actually _there_ , Ali? He thinks I abandoned him, and I did,” Otabek almost sobbed now.

“Give him time, Beka. I know waiting for him to make the next step hurts a lot. You feel helpless and frustrated because you think you can’t do anything,” Alisur said, and Otabek knew just by the words he chose that he was talking about his own experience with Ezra, “but if he means as much to you as I suspect he does, you have to be patient.”

Otabek suddenly hated himself for dumping his bullshit on Alisur. He felt guilty for bringing all these horrendous memories back up just, because he wanted someone to talk to.

“It kills me to see him hurt, and it kills me that he’s shutting me out,” Otabek admitted, while he thought he could literally feel his heart breaking in his chest.

“I know,” was all Alisur said and Otabek knew he did.

They sat there in silence for a few moments, each left alone to their own worries and fears, before Alisur made another attempt at comforting Otabek.

“Promise me you’re not going to give up on Yuri. Don’t make that mistake, Beka. I know how much it hurts to sit around and wait for the phone to ring, but don’t start ignoring him just because he’s ignoring you right now. If you do that, it’ll be a million times harder to reconnect again. He needs time. Let him have some, but make sure he knows you’ll still be there when he’s ready to move on.”

It sounded so easy, yet so incredibly difficult at the same time. Otabek had a hard time not completely falling apart without Yuri by his side, but having to hear that he should give Yuri even more space was like a slap in the face.

**_Thursday, 19 th January, St. Petersburg, 6.22pm_ **

Since Yuuri really didn’t feel like cooking all the time (and Victor couldn’t cook to save his life), he suggested they go out to dinner. Thinking about it though, they probably did that more often than they should, considering they were supposed to watch their diets.

Regardless, they were there now at this new fancy gastro-pub (what even is that?) some strange British dude opened right in the centre of St. Petersburg. Yuuri couldn’t quite understand how someone would possibly think that it would be a good idea to introduce the Russian population to British food. From what he remembered from his few trips to the UK for competitions was that British people cooked like Victor, so not at all or simply terribly.

On the other hand, Yuuri wasn’t one to judge a book by its cover, although he did just that when they walked into that place. It had taken him so long to get used to the Russians and their culture. This now was easily bordering on insanity. Why did pubs always feel so gross and sticky? Probably because they _were_ gross and sticky.

Yuuri really didn’t enjoy these kinds of places, but Yurio wanted to check it out. “In preparation for next week,” the blonde had said and Yuuri gave in. He thought he’d probably do just about anything for Yurio at the moment.

They sat down somewhere in the back of the pub, half hidden-away in a dark corner where normally only the suspicious characters were hanging around. Yuuri could barely describe how uncomfortable he was and according to the look on Victor’s face, he shared the sentiment, but Yurio seemed to enjoy it. That was all that mattered.

“How does this work again?” Victor asked with his nose scrunched up, when he took a hold of the menus that were practically glued together.

“You pick out what you want and order at the bar, idiot,” Yurio mumbled, not the least bit put off by the sticky menus.

Yuuri and Victor shared a menu, neither one of them particularly willing to actually touch it. Victor’s arm around his waist did however help immensely to make Yuuri feel better.

“What do you want, Yurio?” he wanted to know, already standing up to get their order in.

“The burger,” Yuri said before he placed the menu back in its holder. “Extra chili sauce.”

Victor then got up as well. They turned around only to be stopped by Yurio’s displeased voice shouting at them.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked angrily.

Yuuri and Victor briefly exchanged a look, silently asking if the other one had any idea what Yurio was getting at.

“To the bar,” Yuuri said. “To order our food,” Victor added.

“One of you can go,” Yurio responded without taking his eyes off them. “The other one stays. It shouldn’t take two idiots to order some burgers.”

Victor almost immediately sat down again without any protest. Yuuri was immensely irritated, and concerned, but he didn’t complain either. He pressed a kiss to Victor’s temple and turned around to leave them to it.

As if Yurio sleeping in their room wasn’t strange enough already, now that Yuuri thought about it, the younger man had done some rather unusual (for him anyway) things lately.

Yuri triple-checked that the apartment door was locked before they went to bed, when he had never ever cared about that before. He left his bedroom door open whenever he was in there as if he needed to know that he wasn’t on his own in the apartment. At the rink, he would immediately step off the ice if everyone else was going somewhere. He would not be caught on his own anywhere, especially after what happened in the restroom at the rink.

Yuuri hadn’t told Victor about that.

**_Thursday, 19 th January, Almaty, 11.48pm_ **

Otabek was starting to reach a point where he either wanted to drink himself stupid or cry into Ginger’s fur all night. It felt like there was nothing inbetween anymore.

 **Otabek:** _Please talk to me, Yura.  
_**Otabek:** _Please._

Still nothing.

 **Otabek:** _I miss your voice…_

**_Friday, 20 th January, Almaty, 10.42pm_ **

It had been quite a while since his last gig DJing, Otabek realised when he went to the biggest club Almaty had to offer to see Ezra. Not because he didn’t have any offers, but just because he had been so busy. Working on his songs at home had been a lot easier than going out, although he did miss the thrill of spinning his records in front of an audience.

Music was the one thing that had always connected Otabek to the twins. They were a year younger than him but he had known them from school, where they sometimes practiced together after classes (or whenever Otabek wasn’t at the rink). Ezra played piano like him, while Alisur played drums and guitar.

Otabek had known them for so long, but they hadn’t really been friends until he came back from training in Canada. His friendship with them felt as natural as his friendship with Temir or Asel did. It had never been forced. It just went its way and that was how they got to where they were now.

The club itself was incredibly crowded, much like Otabek had expected. He immediately spotted Asel between the other less eye-catching individuals, her pink curly mane as striking as ever. When he reached her, he gave her a quick hug and promised to be back in a few minutes. Otabek wanted to say hi to Ezra first.

Ezra had a regular gig DJing at this club, and Otabek had to admit he was incredibly proud of his friends for getting this far with his music.

Having had the chance to DJ at this specific club quite a few times himself, the security staff knew Otabek well. They made no fuss when he asked if he could go up to the DJ booth. He walked past the big bulky dude who was guarding the steps that lead up to it, thanking him politely.

He was looking forward to seeing Ezra, but when he got to the turntables, the place was empty, or so it seemed.

Otabek had a closer look around and found Ezra crouched down with his knees under his chin under the booth. The younger man flinched when Otabek immediately got on his knees in front of him and put a hand on his shoulder.

The look in Ezra’s eyes was eerily familiar. It was the same look Yuri had when Otabek had foolishly thought it would be ok to let him sleep on his own, only to find him screaming his lungs dry when he woke up to find Otabek gone. It was pure panic.

“Ezra,” Otabek said as calmly as he could manage, “what’s wrong?”

Otabek watched as Ezra’s eyes scanned every inch he could see around him, before he looked back at him.

“He’s here,” Ezra whispered, but Otabek heard him even over the thumping music coming from the speakers surrounding them. He just didn’t know who Ezra was talking about.

“Who?” he asked, seriously wondering who could be responsible to get Ezra to react this way to their presence.

“Daniar.”

Otabek’s face literally fell in shock. Of course, there was only one person who could frighten the living hell out of Ezra.

His ex-boyfriend.

The issue was that Daniar was supposed to be in Astana, or basically anywhere but Almaty. He shouldn’t be there, and technically he wasn’t _allowed_ to be there.

**_Friday, 20 th January, Almaty, 11.34pm_ **

Asel and Otabek had managed to sneak Ezra out of the club through the backstage area without anyone noticing. There was no way Ezra could’ve been left on his own, so Asel decided to stay with him until Alisur came back from his girlfriend’s place. Once Otabek closed the apartment door behind him, the urge to talk to Yuri was greater than ever.

 **Otabek:** _Yura…  
_**Otabek:** _Please…_

As his friends kept saying, Otabek was a lot of things. He wasn’t beyond begging either. ** _  
_**

**_Saturday, 21 st January, St. Petersburg, 3.34pm_ **

Uncharacteristically for him, Yuri spend most of Saturday packing. He would be leaving for Sheffield with Yakov, Lilia and Mila the next day, and for some reason he wasn’t in the mood for his usual last-minute packing. This time he would be prepared. He wanted to get everything right, not just his short program.

Packing was a pain in the ass for him anyway and there wasn’t really anything that could make it better, only things that could make it worse. One of those things were Otabek’s text. It wasn’t that he hated getting them or that he was annoyed getting them. What made them so bad was that Yuri couldn’t bring himself to reply to any of them.

 **Beka <3:** _You don’t want to talk to me. I get it, Yura._  
**Beka <3:** _Just don’t expect me to stop wanting to talk to you._  
**Beka <3:** _Keep ignoring me if you think it helps._  
**Beka <3:** _I’ll still be here when you change your mind._  


Yuri didn’t understand why Otabek would think that he was going to change his mind. He had never done it in the first place.

**Beka <3:** _I miss your laugh…_

~~I still love you…~~

**_Saturday, 21 st January, Almaty, 7.12pm_ **

It had been a week since Otabek had seen Yuri, and it had been a week since he had talked to him. It had also been exactly 38 minutes since he last texted Yuri and hadn’t gotten a reply. It was slowly but surely killing him.

He kept wondering if he would have reacted the same way and if he would now feel the same way, if they hadn’t made that step from best friends to more on New Year’s Eve.

The answer was yes.

Even before Otabek had been spoilt to feel Yuri’s lips on his and his hands all over his body, his feelings for Yuri were so immense that he would have dropped everything to fly out to St. Petersburg. Even if they had still just been best friends, he would’ve done it all again.

Otabek was tired of not being able to do anything now. After the previous night with Ezra at the club, he had decided on two things and he needed help with both of them.

He found himself in front of the twin’s apartment door, nervous but determined. Otabek rang the doorbell and waited for either one of them, or both, to open up. He knew Ezra was going to be home after what happened with Daniar, and he had a feeling that Alisur wouldn’t leave his brother alone.

Of course he was right.

They both opened up the door as they clearly didn’t expect any visitors. Otabek didn’t even give them a chance to greet him. He just opened with his request.

“I need a favour,” he said, “from both of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: You may have all cried after the last chapter, but you certainly got back at me with your comments. I'm pretty sure my house mate is starting to think I'm going insane crying in the middle of the kitchen whenever I read the incredibly kind words you keep leaving. I know I keep saying it but please do know that your comments are MASSIVELY appreciated. It's an overwhelmingly heart-warming feeling to see that you all like this story/series, especially when there are people who keep telling me that writing is a waste of time. It is clearly not, so thank you so so much for your comments!!! 
> 
> Ok, *wipesawaytears*... enough with the chit-chat, as Victor would say. Let's get on with it... Hope you enjoyed this chapter! :) x


	7. It's Hard to Fight These Feelings.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri makes his way to Sheffield for the European Championship while Otabek desperately wants to prove to Yuri how much he means to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning on making anyone cry with this chapter, but there are a couple of lines in here that made me very emotional. So, yeah, just saying...

**_Saturday, 21 st January, Almaty 7.15pm_ **

Otabek, Alisur and Ezra had sat down on the sofas in the twins’ living room. Even before either one of the brothers could offer Otabek a drink, he had blurted out why he was there and what he wanted from them, starting with Ezra.

Unfortunately Ezra’s face had hesitation written all over it. Otabek had expected it but it still irked him a little. He hoped that he appeared calm on the outside, while his insides were slowly but surely being ripped apart in anticipation.

“Why me, Beka?” Ezra eventually asked with irritation in his voice.

Otabek sighed heavily. He knew why he decided to ask Ezra for this favour. It just wasn’t that easy to explain.

“Because I think you can help,” he eventually replied.

It was the truth. Otabek really thought that Ezra was the one person who could actually help Yuri. He didn’t know what else to do. Putting Ezra in this position made Otabek feel anxious and guilty, because it was a lot to ask of his friend.

“Ezra,” Otabek began again when there was no response from the twin, “I know it’s short notice and I know you probably have work or a DJ gig to prepare for, but I’m out of options. I wouldn’t ask you to put yourself through all of this if I had any other ideas.”

“But what about New Year’s?” Ezra then immediately shot back, and Otabek had to admit he was quite surprised that he brought this up.

“What about it?” he asked in return, his brows furrowed and creases now visible on his forehead.

Ezra licked his lips briefly as if he was trying to find the right words to tell Otabek what he meant.

“This favour you’re asking of me… Are you sure you’re ok with this after, you know, I kissed Yuri on New Year’s Eve?” His voice was small, barely above a whisper but Otabek caught every word, so did Alisur judging by the way he shyly looked away from them.

Otabek thought about how he had felt during the party, watching Yuri and Ezra kiss and the way they practically devoured each other right in front of his eyes. The memory still made his stomach flip and growl, but Yuri was his now (or so he desperately hoped) and Otabek wasn’t one to dwell on the past.

“Are you into Yura?” he then asked calmly, while Ezra’s eyes flew wide open in shock.

“No,” he quickly replied, “I had a little crush on him last year when we met but that’s it.”

“So that kiss meant nothing?” Otabek wanted to know just to clarify what he already suspected.

“No,” Ezra said firmly. “I just…”

Otabek watched him closely. Ezra seemed nervous, but not uncomfortable, so whatever he wanted to say wouldn’t be too bad.

“I saw how you freaked out when you danced with Yuri,” Ezra told him, “and I just thought that there was no way you’d react that way if you didn’t have feelings for him.”

This was certainly not what Otabek had expected. He had been sure that no one really paid attention to him and Yuri dancing during the party, let alone how he got overwhelmed and fled to the balcony, leaving Yuri standing on his own in the middle of his living room, rejected and abandoned.

Thinking about it now, Otabek was suddenly well aware of the fact that he seemed to like to leave Yuri alone.

“You’ve danced like that with some of us before,” Ezra continued without being prompted to, “and you’ve never react that way then. I just kissed Yuri because I thought it might give you the necessary kick in the ass you needed to realise that you do want to be more than just friends with him.”

Now Otabek was the one staring with wide eyes. How was all of this possible? How could his feelings for Yuri had been so obvious to everyone, everyone but him?

One thing Otabek realised fairly quickly then was that there was absolutely no point in mulling over it now. If what Ezra said was the truth (and he damn well hoped it was), then there was no reason he should have a problem with the favour he asked of Ezra in the first place.

“We’re cool, Ezra,” Otabek said, and definitely meant it.

Ezra sighed in relief, a small smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. “In that case, I’d be happy to help.”

“Thank you,” Otabek replied genuinely, before his eyes wandered over to Alisur.

“What can I do for you, Beka?” the other twin asked him cheerfully.

“I need access to the studio some time in the next few days,” Otabek blurted out.

Alisur had stopped pursuing music professionally after what happened to Ezra, but he still had insanely good connections to some important people. Otaebk could very well remix music at home, but actually recording original stuff, vocals and the instruments, was out of the question.

“Next week?” Alisur asked obviously a little surprised. “That’s really short notice.”

“I know,” Otabek responded instantly. “I’ll take whatever time they can get me in. During the day, evening, nights, I don’t care. I’ll ditch practice if I have to.”

Alisur eyed him curiously but he didn’t question him.

“That important, huh?” he said, but Otabek didn’t answer with anything other than a small grateful smile. “I’ll see what I can do,” Alisur told him finally.

**_Saturday, 21 st January, St. Petersburg, 10.54pm_ **

**Beka <3:** _Have a safe trip tomorrow.  
_**Beka <3:** _I wish I could be in Sheffield with you, Yura…_

No, Otabek certainly didn’t stop trying, but all it did to Yuri was make him feel more guilty.

**_Sunday, 22 nd January, St. Petersburg, 1.48pm_ **

Leaving St. Petersburg for competitions was normally quite exciting to Yuri, only this time it wasn’t.

Yuri was determined to win, and he was convinced that he could, but with everything that he currently had on his mind, skating suddenly didn’t seem that significant anymore. It was that thought exactly that made him want to punch himself.

Skating was his entire life, always had been and still was. Whenever he thought negatively about it, he just felt like kicking himself. Yuri owed so much in his life to his success on the ice. If it weren’t for the fact that he was skating, he wouldn’t have met Yuuri, or Victor, or Otabek.

The possibility of not having met Otabek was absurd to Yuri. He couldn’t imagine his life without the Kazakh man in it, and most importantly, he didn’t _want_ to imagine it without him.

The problem was that Yuri was close to actually finding out what it would be like without Otabek.

“Yuri, come on already,” Mila suddenly shouted at him.

She stood outside on the pavement, impatiently waiting for Yuri to get out of the taxi. He growled at her but begrudgingly followed her inside the airport.

With Yakov and Lilia in tow, the four of them made their way to the check-in counters. They printed their boarding passes and dropped their luggage off, before they each individually headed through security, which was Yuri’s least favourite part of any trip that involved air travel.

For some odd reason he always had to take his shoes off and he always beeped when he went through the metal detectors. He had tried different shoes, different jeans, different jackets, even different hair ties, and nothing ever helped. They always picked him out for a closer inspection, and Yuri hated every second of it. Obviously the staff were just doing their job, but Yuri hated physical contact of any kind (that he didn’t initiate), and a stranger touching him was just a little (a lot) out of his comfort zone.

Especially now.

“Can you turn around please?” the man asked him, and Yuri reluctantly did as he was told.

The security guy put both of his hands on Yuri’s shoulder blades before he reached up to the nape of his neck, and then to the side of it and over his shoulders.

Yuri immediately flinched out of reach and glared at the man.

“What the hell?” he spat out, but before he could get an answer, Mila interrupted him.

“Yuri,” she almost shouted at him. Startled, Yuri turned around to face her, his back again to the security guy.

Stunned into silence, Yuri let Mila lift his arms so they were to the sides and away from his body. Mila nodded to the man behind Yuri and he immediately began to finish checking Yuri.

Closing his eyes and swallowing silently, Yuri tried to pretend that those hands on him were someone else’s, namely Otabek’s. He remembered how Otabek’s fingers had left burning trails of goosebumps all over his back the first time they spent the night together, and how his hands had had a tight yet gentle grip around his ankles when he took Yuri’s sweatpants and underwear off on New Year’s Eve. The memories pained his heart but they relaxed him, and that was all he was aiming for.

It didn’t take long for the security check to be finished. Mila then eagerly grabbed Yuri’s hand and lead him towards the duty-free shops and gates.

“Thanks,” Yuri mumbled quietly while they walked along the corridor to the stores.

Mila just squeezed his hand and dragged him further inside the airport.

**_Sunday, 22 nd January, Sheffield, 7.47pm  
_ **

The flight thankfully hadn’t been so bad. Yuri could tolerate three and a half hours crammed into a tiny airplane seat with a bunch of strangers around him he would rather not have this close to him. Mila had been sitting next to him, and since Otabek (or even Victor and Katsudon) wasn’t with him, she was the one person he clung to.

They had made it to London without Yuri complaining once, apart from the small incident at security in St. Petersburg. The train ride to Sheffield had been just as uneventful as the flight, although Yuri had quickly become annoyed with the way British people talk. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been to the UK before or that he had an issue with people speaking English, since he spoke it quite well himself, but he couldn’t stand the accent. A British accent was to him what a French accent was to Otabek, just plain wrong. It _sounded_ wrong. Yuri couldn’t explain it any other way.

Once they reached the hotel in Sheffield, Yuri was itching to go skating, even though he knew there was no chance that he could go that night. Instead he began to argue with Yakov about his room.

They were standing at reception and Yuri watched as Yakov and Lilia were sorting out their reservations, when Yuri overheard them saying that they all had their own rooms. Yuri instantly knew that was not going to happen.

“I’m sharing with Mila,” he interrupted the lady at reception who was just handing all their keycards to Lilia.

“You have your own room,” Yakov growled at him, but Yuri dismissed him immediately.

“Do I look like I care?” he asked in response, his signature glare sent straight in Yakov’s direction.

Yuri saw the lady behind reception watching them. She had one eyebrow raised and looked at him disapprovingly.

“What the fuck are you staring at?” Yuri spat out, making her jump in an instant.

“Yuri,” Lilia bellowed at him, “watch your language!”

She looked incredibly angry, but Yuri was way too used to that facial expression than to be scared of her.

“I’m sharing a room with Mila,” Yuri said again, ignoring Lilia. “Sort it out.”

He stalked away to where Mila was sitting in the lobby. He knew she had been watching them, but she didn’t say anything when he let himself fall into the soft cushions of the couch next to her.

“You’re stuck with me,” he told her, avoiding her gaze on him.

Mila still didn’t say anything. She simply patted his knee briefly just in time before Yakov and Lilia walked over to them. Yakov grudgingly handed them a single folded piece of paper with their room number on. Yuri found two keycards inside.

**_Monday, 23 rd January, Almaty, 2.11am_ **

It was the first night Otabek spent alone in his apartment since he had come home from St. Petersburg. Temir had practically moved in for the past week, but Otabek managed to convince him that he was alright on his own.

Now that he actually was alone, he wasn’t quite so sure anymore.

The entire apartment felt cold and empty. He had washed the bedsheets since Yuri had been there, but there was still a faint smell of him lingering in his entire bedroom. Maybe it was just his imagination, or wishful thinking, but it tuckered at his heartstrings.

It was past 2am in the morning. Otabek knew he had to get up in about four hours to get ready for practice, but nothing seemed to help him fall asleep. He had tried drinking hot milk with honey, writing some more music (which he did successfully), he even tried jerking off in the shower (which he did unsuccessfully). Nothing had worked.

He was currently lying flat on his back in his bed, the t-shirt Yuri had forgotten draped over his head. The smell of it made Otabek’s head spin. It fooled him into thinking that Yuri was there with him, but he wasn’t. Yuri was in Sheffield, exactly 3486 miles and a five-hour time difference away.

All Otabek knew was that he should either be in Sheffield with Yuri, or Yuri should be in Almaty with him. There weren’t any other options for him, yet there he was wasting away in his bed in the middle of the night with sleep being more of an illusion than anything else.

Otabek grabbed Yuri’s t-shirt and pulled it away from his face, when he heard and felt Ginger jump up on the mattress. Just like Potya had done with Yuri, Ginger hadn’t really left his side since he had come back either. She was constantly sneaking around his ankles and curling up right next to him somewhere. It was like she knew that each passing day Otabek spent without hearing from Yuri added another tiny crack to his heart.

Ginger slowly walked over to Otabek. He moved his arm a little away from his body, opening up a gap for her to curl up in, which she happily did. She turned around a few times on the spot before she lay down with her back to Otabek’s side, warmth pressed against more warmth. Otabek stroked her behind the ears a few times, before he felt a single tear escaping his eye. He weakly smiled at her when she looked up, and he didn’t know why, and he couldn’t explain how, but the look in her eyes seemed to say that everything will somehow be ok.

**_Sunday, 21 st January, Sheffield, 9.11pm_ **

Yuri was absolutely beat by the time he finally got to bed. While Mila was taking a shower to get rid of the strange airport and plane scent that had been sticking to her clothes, Yuri tried to make himself comfortable in one of the two twin beds in their hotel room.

He knew the time difference between him and Otabek was even greater now, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t miss Otabek’s daily text messages. It was already past 2am in Almaty and Yuri had given up on hearing from him. Disappointment made itself violently known in his stomach and chest, when he checked his phone and found it without any new notifications.

Yuri had just locked his phone again and put it on his nightstand, when that familiar ringtone echoed through the room, indicating that he had a new message.

His heart was beating furiously, and Yuri was suddenly immensely glad that Mila was in the shower instead of out in the room with him.

 **Beka <3:** _I hope you made it to Sheffield ok.  
_**Beka <3:** _I miss you, Yura, so much… You have no idea._

Yuri wanted to reply. Every single cell in his body wanted to reply and tell Otabek how much he missed him too, tell him, and not Victor and Yuuri in a fit of upset anger, that he loved him.

He couldn’t.

 **Beka <3:** _Goodnight, kitten._

**_Monday, 23 rd January, Almaty, 8.12pm_ **

Otabek had been sitting at the piano for the better part of the last hour. Alisur had somehow managed to get him time in the recording studio that night, and thankfully Asel was also available after uni.

Ezra kept his eyes on everything important, making sure that Otabek’s piano parts actually did sound good, while Alisur had luckily agreed to record some percussion parts for Otabek.

With his fingers still gliding gently over the piano keys, Otabek didn’t notice when Asel walked into the studio, her bag flung over her shoulder and a very fluffy yellow wool scarf draped around her neck.

“I think you’ve got it now,” Ezra said through the intercom, telling Otabek that they were good to go to record Asel’s vocals.

Otabek stepped out of the recording booth and joined the other three behind the mixing desk. He hugged Asel to greet her, while Ezra was already busy getting her some hot tea.

“Here,” Otabek said a few moments after they had pulled apart. Asel was still taking off her jacket, scarf and hat when Otabek held out a piece of paper with the lyrics for the song.

The guys gave her a minute to have a look through them. Otabek couldn’t possibly tell what she thought. Asel was either very easy to read, or, just like now, not at all. Neither her face nor her eyes gave away any sign as to whether or not she liked the lyrics.

“Is this…?” she asked when she finished reading, but without actually finishing her question.

“Yes,” Otabek replied without missing a beat.

“It’s beautiful,” Asel said before she pulled Otabek into another hug.

Otabek could see Ezra and Alisur over her shoulder, both of them looking strangely exhausted and emotional.

“Should we get going?” Ezra then asked, and Otabek thought he saw him brushing away a tear from his eye. He wasn’t sure if the other two had picked up on it. If they did, they didn’t comment on it.

“Sure,” Asel said, giving Otabek another smile that looked a lot sadder than he suspected it was supposed to be.

When Ezra pressed play on the piano recording Otabek had just finished, and Asel’s voice echoed through the speakers into the room, all three guys were staring at her immediately.

Otabek knew Asel could sing, and she loved doing it, but it was still only the third time he had ever asked her to record something for him. The first one all those years ago was the song for Sofia. The second time was just a week after he returned from the Grand Prix Final in Vancouver. The third time now was just as important to Otabek than the others had been, and he knew Asel was aware of that.

Watching her sing was mesmerising. The way her eyebrows and her mouth moved with every word, how she closed her eyes when the lyrics got too heavy, or how she squeezed them shut even more when she clearly had trouble holding back tears, those were the moments that made it so wonderfully incredible to watch her.

Asel knew what the lyrics were about without even asking, and Otabek had a feeling that Alisur and Ezra did as well.

This felt like it was his last chance to make things right, to prove he would always be there for Yuri.

Otabek took a photo of Asel in the recording booth, the heavy headphones over her ears with her pink and curly mane seemingly sticking out every which way, and her eyes shut in concentration. This photo ended up on Instagram before Asel finished recording a first take of the song.

 **otabek-altin:** _At the studio tonight with @rainbowbeat-e and @a-ilyin! @pinkAsel sounds absolutely gorgeous… Wish @yuri-plisetsky could be here to hear her sing! #newmusic #Aselisaqueen_

**_Tuesday, 24 th January, Almaty, 7.29pm  
_ **

If anything, Otabek could use some distraction. He always figured that getting his ass kicked at practice would do the trick, but at some point he had gotten used to it. His coach yelling at him didn’t have as much effect on him anymore as it did only a few weeks ago. It was worrying him how fast things could change.

Fortunately, there were a few people in his life who had no trouble providing him with the necessary distraction he craved so intensely. Since it was a Tuesday, they couldn’t really go out and get drunk for Temir’s 25th birthday, so Otabek had invited everyone round to his place for a chilled evening in instead.

Everyone was there, Meiz, Maxim, Asel and the twins, everyone but Temir.

“Did anyone actually let him know we’re going to be here?” Maxim asked eventually with one suspicious eyebrow raised.

Otabek just glared at him. Of course he had let Temir in on their plans.

As if on cue, there was a knock on the front door. They all scrambled to their feet and went to open it, shouting ‘happy birthday’ as soon as they saw Temir’s smiling face.

A bunch of best wishes and ribs-crushing hugs followed, before they got settled in on the sofas in the living room with cake (homemade by none other than Meiz herself) and a few drinks.

Otabek couldn’t help but notice the similarities between now and New Year’s Eve. The only difference was that Yuri wasn’t there, and Otabek wanted to curse himself for that thought. The whole point of getting together was to distract himself from missing Yuri, yet nothing seemed to even remotely help him forget about everything that had happened, not even for a couple of hours.

Yuri had figuratively and literally taken over his life, his every thought, and from the looks of it every action.

“Everyone move closer to T. Let’s see if we can squeeze all your big heads into one shot,” Maxim said while he set up his camera on the entertainment set on the opposite wall.

Alisur pushed the coffee table out of the way before he sat down on the far end of the big sofa. Asel’s small frame was squeezed into the tiny space between him and the birthday boy. Meiz leaned into Temir on his other side, while Otabek and Ezra both sat down cross-legged on the floor in front of the four of them.

“Alright,” Maxim said before he pressed the release button on his camera, “ten seconds.”

He hurried over to them and flung his entire lanky body over the four guys sitting on the couch. His elbow was propped up in Alisur’s lap, with his head resting in his palm, grinning in the camera.

Just before the flash startled them all, Ezra wrapped his arms around Otabek, pulling him a little sideways, and pressed a kiss to Otabek’s cheek.

The actual photo in the end was truly one for the history books. Alisur and Temir were both laughing whole-heartedly, their heads tipped back in ecstasy. Meiz was holding on to Temir’s arm and pointing down in mock shock at Ezra and Otabek, while Asel loosely had a hand placed over her mouth, trying to stop herself from laughing at the two men on the floor as well. Otabek’s hands were holding on to the arm that was draped over his chest, his eyes were squeezed shut and his eyebrows scrunched in good fun. Ezra’s full lips were pressed against Otabek’s soft cheek with the corners of his mouth still clearly curled up into a huge smile, his eyes closed as well. Maxim was the only one who had actually looked into the camera, his bright orange hair standing in stark contrast to Asel’s pastel pink.

The huge grin on his face perfectly described the way Otabek felt about those people. He would do anything for them.

A little while later Otabek took Maxim aside and asked him for the photo. Thanks to Bluetooth, Otabek was able to download it directly from the camera to his phone.

He ended up sending it to Yuri.

 **Otabek:** _Celebrating T’s birthday._  
**Otabek:** _Max forced a group shot on us._  
**Otabek:** _Being here with all of these idiots doesn’t feel the same without you here as well.  
_**Otabek:** _I miss you._

**_Wednesday, 25 th January, Almaty, 12.13pm_ **

Even lunch breaks during practice weren’t easy anymore. It had turned into something Otabek wasn’t looking forward to, because actually sitting down to catch his breath only meant that his mind would wander again. He could momentarily turn it all off when he was on the ice (most of the time anyway), but everything went to hell as soon as he got off it.

**Otabek:** _Hope you’re enjoying Sheffield._  
**Otabek:** _Although I do know your ears are probably already bleeding because of the accent.  
_ **Otabek:** _I really wish I could be there with you._

Every text felt like a step further away from Yuri, even though it should bring them closer together. Every text that went unanswered, took another ounce of energy out of him.

**_Wednesday, 25 th January, Almaty, 7.41pm_ **

Since Alisur spent the night at his girlfriend’s place, Otabek had made his way to the twins apartment once again. Him and Ezra had sorted things out and as far as Otabek was concerned, the events from New Year’s Eve were done and dusted. He hoped that Ezra knew that as well.

They were sitting in Ezra’s room, music playing in the background (music Otabek knew all too well), with each of them sipping their tea. Ezra drank his like Yuri did, as black and sugarless as possible.

“How have you been doing since we left the club on Friday?” Otabek asked eventually, mainly because he cared for Ezra, but also because he couldn’t help himself.

Ezra attempted a small smile that looked a lot sadder than he probably intended, before he replied, “I’m alright. It was just the shock I think.”

“Do you know why Daniar is in town?” Otabek enquired further, and trying his best to stay calm. His dislike for Ezra’s ex-boyfriend had grown into epic proportions years ago and knowing that he was in Almaty now didn’t change that at all. If anything, it made it worse.

“I have no idea, but I told my father about it. He’ll sort it out,” Ezra said, almost dismissing the whole subject as if it were nothing.

“As long as you’re okay,” Otabek said, trying to make sure Ezra knew he was there for him.

“I am, I think. It’s just…,” Ezra began, before he paused, obviously trying to sort out his thoughts, “It’s been over four years, Beka. What he and Serik did… I thought I was over it, but I don’t think I am.”

Seeing Ezra so fragile wasn’t really a sight Otabek was used to. Ezra always appeared to be so carefree, goofy, even happy, but underneath it all he was fighting his demons just like everyone else.

“Who says you have to be?” Otabek asked. “Even if you never get over it, and no one says you have to, as long as you’re still here, they lose. Every day you’re alive, you win. Every time you smile and laugh, you show them you can’t be broken. Keep proving them wrong, Ezra, every single day.”

Before Otabek knew what was happening, Ezra had put his mug aside and wrapped his arms around him. He felt his shirt get wet rather than hear Ezra cry, but he didn’t care.

“Thank you,” Ezra mumbled eventually when he pulled back. He quickly dried his cheeks with the sleeve of his shirt.

“Are you sure you’re still up for that favour I asked you about?” Otabek then asked, because he was genuinely concerned about Ezra. It wasn’t the best time to ask him to confront his demons, especially now that he had seen one of those demons in the flesh just a few days prior.

“Yes,” Ezra replied firmly, “I want to help.”

**_Thursday, 26 th January, Sheffield, 12.24pm_ **

The European Championships opened with the ladies’ short program, even before the official opening ceremony took place (which was probably the part Yuri hated the most about competitions). Running around backstage and sitting in the stands, Yuri tried to not leave Mila out of his sight, which was a much more difficult thing to do than he expected.

Once Mila was on the ice for her routine, Yuri’s eyes were glued to her. He couldn’t remember a time when he had actually told her how great he thought she was, but that was truly how he felt. Mila was amazing, such graze and unique beauty in every single step, jump and spin she performed.

Practically the second the music from Mila’s short program faded out, Yuri felt his phone vibrate briefly in his jeans pocket. He fished it out, his heartbeat already picking up, expecting another text from Otabek, but alas, someone else entirely had messaged him.

 **Victor:** _Are you doing alright?_

Yuri felt like the little 15-year old from Barcelona again. In reality, he really wasn’t that kid anymore, but sometimes it seemed like Victor and Katsudon failed to realise that.

 **Yuri:** _Why wouldn’t I? Leave me alone, old man._

 **Victor:** _If you need anything, and I mean_ anything _, call me or Yuuri immediately._

Just like that, Yuri felt utterly horrible for thinking that Victor and Katsuki were annoying him just for the sake of it. He knew they cared, but he wouldn’t let himself believe that they really did. Yuri didn’t see how they could possibly care about him when all he did was make their lives unnecessarily complicated.

**_Thursday, 26 th January, Sheffield, 7.30pm_ **

Just as he had expected, the opening ceremony almost bored Yuri to death. Back in his hotel room, he made sure the door was locked before he flopped down on the mattress, exhausted and annoyed.

Mila went out to eat with Yakov and Lilia, but Yuri had grudgingly refused to go with them. Instead he curled up on his bed and waited for Mila to come back with the food she promised she would bring him.

In moments like these, during events he didn’t share with Otabek, he felt exceptionally lonely. The next best thing to having Otabek in his bed, was having Potya next to him and she wasn’t around either. For the first time, Yuri questioned his decision to take part in the Championships. It suddenly felt like it wasn’t worth it anymore.

But there was one person who always reminded him why he did what he did.

 **Beka <3:** _Hope you’re ready for your short program._  
**Beka <3:** _Can’t wait to see you skate your routine._  
**Beka <3:** _I’ll see you tomorrow, even if it’ll just be through a laptop screen._

**_Friday, 27 th January, Almaty, 8.13pm_ **

It was only roughly another forty minutes until it was finally Yuri’s turn. Otabek had been watching the live stream since he had gotten home from practice, and even though he hadn’t seen all of the skaters, judging by the routines he did see, no one was even close to being a threat to Yuri.

 **Otabek:** _Good luck, Yura._  
**Otabek:** _Not that you need it.  
_**Otabek:** _I know you’re going to be amazing._

He didn’t know whether or not Yuri would be able to read his texts before his name would ring throughout the arena, announcing him to the audience, but it wouldn’t make a difference anyway. Otabek wanted to believe that Yuri knew he was thinking about him either way.

**_Friday, 27 th January, Sheffield, 4.03pm_ **

Yuri knew his last spin was just as flawless and the rest of his routine. Once the music stopped and he stilled in his final position for a moment, it felt like someone had taken off that heavy box that had been strapped to his chest.

This was nothing like Vancouver. This was what success and _pride_ felt like.

He could literally feel his smile splitting his face. For just the tiniest of moments, everything was in order, everything was right and just the way it should be.

Then he came to a halt at the barrier, where he took the skate guards Yakov handed out to him and put them on his skates. There was no doubt in Yuri’s mind that his marks were better than those of everyone who had performed before him, and they would also beat the few scores that still followed after him.

None of that seemed to matter though when he caught a familiar pair of intense brown eyes looking at him on his way to the kiss and cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the gang celebrated Temir's birthday in this chapter, I thought I'd give you a run down on everyone else's age (at this point in the story) and birthday as well. If you couldn't be less interested in this, just pretend you've never seen this info.  
> Temir (25) - 24. January // Meiz (22) - 27. December // Asel (22) - 16. February // Maxim (24) - 12. May // Ezra & Alisur (22) - 12. October [Ezra is 3 minutes older]
> 
> FYI, updates will be every 2-3 days from now on (please don't hate me!). I need to space this out a bit... 
> 
> Also, please stop with your comments (please don't... ever!). I've cried as often this month alone since I started this series as I have probably all of last year. I'm eternally grateful. As Beka would say, you have no idea...
> 
> In the next chapter we will finally (!) find out what exactly happened to Ezra all those years ago! Get your tissues ready... It's not going to be pretty, I can promise you that.


	8. You Twist the Heart Right Out of Me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri finally talks and then makes a decision that doesn't come without consequences, while Otabek is coaxed into coming to terms with his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I'm back to ruin your Sunday night. How about that? Make sure your hearts are wrapped in bubble wrap because this is going to be tough.
> 
> One thing though, this chapter really is a lot to take in (I think) and it wasn't easy for me to write either, so please keep the tags and archive warnings in mind before you start reading. 
> 
> But because I like to torture you (and myself) I made this extra long, so enjoy 9K of utter heartbreak.

**_Friday, 27 th January, Sheffield, 4.05pm  
_ **

“Ezra,” Yuri whispered quietly enough for no one but him to hear.

It was fair to say that he was surprised. Yuri would’ve expected this from a lot of people, first and foremost Victor, or Otabek ( _especially_ Otabek), but not from Ezra. For him to show up out of the blue and without any kind of warning was making Yuri uncomfortable in a way he wasn’t sure how to handle.

Ezra smiled genuinely at him, but before Yuri could ponder over whatever implications his visit might have, Yakov pushed Yuri forward harshly.

The two of them and Lilia sat in the kiss and cry, waiting for his marks. Yuri’s eyes however didn’t stray away from the other man, _Otabek’s_ friend who was here for reasons he couldn’t even begin to understand.

Yuri barely even acknowledged the score that put him in first place for the time being, when Lilia unexpectedly hugged him overjoyed and obviously pleased with his result.

**_Friday, 27 th January, Almaty, 9.10pm_ **

It felt a little strange having the others over to watch the live stream of the European Championship. Otabek knew that his friends occasionally did that when he was away for competitions, but whenever he watched Yuri, he was usually on his own.

Not tonight.

Yuri’s short program was over and after a few minutes of ‘uh’-ing and ‘aw’-ing, the others went back to idle chit-chat while Otabek fumbled around in his jeans pocket for his phone to text his boyfriend.

 **Otabek:** _That was the routine you should’ve been skating in Vancouver._

As soon as he sent the text, he wanted to undo it, which of course wasn’t possible, so he followed it up with another text.

 **Otabek:** _You were amazing, Yura._

And because he couldn’t help himself, he added another one.

 **Otabek:** _I miss you… <3_

**_Friday, 27 th January, Sheffield, 4.15pm_ **

Once Yuri was free to go, he untied his skates as fast as he could and, without a single word of where he was going, ran over to the side of the athletes’ area and up into the stands to where Ezra was sitting.

“What the hell are you doing here, Ezra?” Yuri asked immediately when he stopped right in front of him.

He didn’t pay any attention to the people around them, staring at them (mostly him) and probably wondering what he was doing, or who he was talking to. Ezra though didn’t seem to mind. He was smiling that annoyingly charming small smile that made people like him so much, so easily, and Yuri wasn’t immune to it either.

“It’s good to see you too, Yuri,” Ezra greeted him, moving in for a hug that Yuri quickly pulled away from.

“Sorry,” Yuri mumbled, hoping that the other man would understand, and from the looks of it, he did.

“No big deal,” Ezra assured him.

Yuri really didn’t want to have this conversation out in the stands in plain view of the audience, Yakov, Lilia, the other skaters and most importantly the media. He didn’t need any extra attention.

He grabbed Ezra’s arm and pulled him towards the door that lead them out into one of the many corridors in the arena. When Yuri spoke up again, his voice was hushed but surprisingly calm.

“Why are you here, Ezra?” Yuri asked again.

“Do you want me to leave?” was the question he got in return, to which Yuri shook his head.

“I didn’t say that,” he paddled back quickly.

Yuri sighed deeply, because Ezra being there made things even more complicated in his head than they already were. Everything was messed up enough without anyone meddling, but Yuri couldn’t really run now either.

“Seriously though, what are you doing here in Sheffield?” Yuri asked for a third time.

“Otabek asked me to come,” Ezra eventually admitted.

Yuri studied his face intently, trying to find some kind of emotion, a sign or inclination for anything else besides what he had already figured out himself, but there was nothing.

“What for?” Yuri blurted out. He could feel himself getting anxious. He just wasn’t sure why.

“You won’t talk to him but you need to talk to someone,” Ezra then simply explained, and Yuri’s eyes narrowed in a quick fit of anger.

“I don’t need to talk to someone,” he spat out, “not to Beka, not to _anyone_.”

Why did no one seem to understand that Yuri just wanted to make his peace with what happened? Everyone seemed so hell-bend on trying to fix him or making him talk about his feelings, when all he really wanted to do was get over it.

“You should though,” Ezra replied, apparently not fussed at all by Yuri’s sudden hostility.

“And why on earth would I talk to you?” Yuri asked with a tinge of annoyance and defiance in his voice.

“Because I know what you’re going through,” was Ezra’s response.

Yuri was starting to not only get anxious and angry, but now it felt like Ezra was patronising him. Worst of all however was the way the other man stayed so freakishly calm. It made Yuri uneasy.

“What the fuck would you know about that?” Yuri retorted furiously, but it didn’t sound as hostile as he wanted it be. He was too exhausted to muster up any extra energy.

“I know a lot more than you think, Yuri,” Ezra said, the calmness radiating from him throughout every word that left his lips.

Instead of biting back, Yuri just glared at him, his eyes small and his mouth drawn into a thin line.

“Can we talk please?” Ezra then almost pleaded with him.

Yuri let out a puff of air, and he decided he wasn’t going to fight him anymore.

“I want to see my friend’s free skate later. You can join me if you like but we’re not going to talk about Beka,” Yuri told him.

“Fair enough,” was all Ezra replied, before Yuri turned around on his heels.

“I’ll pick you up at your seat in a couple of hours,” Yuri said over his shoulder.

He didn’t see Ezra walk in the other direction, presumably back to his seat, until he spun around again.

“Ezra?” Yuri called after him, waiting to see if he heard him.

When Ezra’s warm chocolate brown eyes stared back at him, Yuri suddenly felt relief rushing through him.

“It’s good to see you,” Yuri said, his voice quiet but he knew Ezra heard what he said.

“You too,” Ezra called out to him, another genuinely lovely smile on his face.

Yuri was terrified of what would no doubt be coming later, but it felt so damn good to see Ezra, even if he reminded him of everything he didn’t have anymore.

**_Friday, 27 th January, Sheffield, 4.35pm_ **

As soon as Ezra was back in his seat, he typed a quick message to Otabek. He didn’t really have anything to tell yet, but he had promised him to keep him updated on all things related to Yuri. Besides, Otabek was the reason Ezra was in Sheffield in the first place.

 **Ezra:** _Just spoke to Yuri. He seemed upset, but I think he’s actually glad someone from outside the skating world is here._  
**Ezra:** _We’re meeting up again later to watch his friend perform. Any idea who that is?_  
**Ezra:** _He said he doesn’t want to talk about you, but he will. Trust me.  
_**Ezra:** _By the way, his performance was great. Why aren’t you that much fun to watch, huh?_

**_Friday, 27 th January, Almaty, 9.38pm_ **

Otabek smiled at his phone when he read Ezra’s texts. He didn’t really expect anything else from Yuri, so what his friend told him sounded about right. The anticipation of Yuri and Ezra talking later, and more texts from Ezra regarding that conversation, tied a knot in Otabek’s stomach though. He wasn’t nervous but he wasn’t exactly happy either. It was strange in the sense that he just didn’t know what was going to happen.

“What are you smiling about?” Meiz asked, before Temir added, “Nudes from Yuri?”

Otabek shot them both a glare, but only a very brief one. Nudes from Yuri only ever happened in his imagination, although he was sure if things hadn’t turned so ugly, the blonde actually would’ve send him some very, let’s say, revealing pictures by now. Otabek was sure he wouldn’t even mind. Quite the opposite actually.

The thought alone made him uncomfortable (because he was surrounded by his friends) and aroused (because… well… Yuri) at the same time.

“Ezra texted,” was all he eventually choked out, coughing immediately in an attempt to regain his self-control.

“Has he seen Yuri yet?” Asel asked curiously, and Otabek knew she was worried about Ezra _and_ Yuri.

“Yeah,” Otabek said, sighing. “Only for a minute though. He said they’re meeting up again later.”

Silence fell over the room for a moment while Otabek let his eyes wander around. Temir was obviously still not entirely comfortable with everything that had happened, but Otabek certainly appreciated his effort. He knew it was hard for him to be supportive in situations like these, because it brought back some nasty memories. Meiz was leaning against Temir and, probably unconsciously, smiling up at him, a bottle of some fizzy cider in her hand. Otabek had no idea what they actually were to each other now after they had had their New Year’s Eve encounter, but no one dared to ask them about it. Asel had her head in Maxim’s lap on the other sofa, while the redhead’s long and slim index finger was tentatively twisting one of her pink curls.

Otabek was suddenly painfully aware of two things. One, Ezra and Ali were missing. Their group wasn’t complete without the twins. And two, Otabek felt incredibly lonely without Yuri.

Before they had gotten together, he had never felt that way. He was always content on his own, sometimes even preferred his solitude to his bubbling friends, but in the few weeks that had passed since New Year’s Eve, his entire world seemed to have shifted.

He was drawn to his friends in a way he hadn’t really acknowledged before. They had all gone through some difficult times at one point or another, and they had always been there for each other, but up until then Otabek had always kept a safe distance. He made sure his friends knew he was there if they needed him, he just never initiated anything, mainly for his own sake.

All of this had changed when Yuri tore down that cage around his heart, and Otabek realised there was no turning back from it. The most fragile part of him that he fought so hard to protect, had been attacked in a way he could have never anticipated, and it was all Yuri’s fault.

But Otabek didn’t care. Yuri was worth it. He would let him do it all over again.

**_Friday, 27 th January, Sheffield, 7.46pm_ **

Ezra and Yuri had been watching the ladies free skate for a good hour and a half, when Ezra finally had enough. He understood perfectly well that Yuri didn’t want to talk, and the silence between them wasn’t even awkward or, God forbid, hostile, but the whole point of him being in Sheffield was to get Yuri to talk. Although he was aware that maybe now wasn’t the best time, or place, to do that, so Ezra changed his tactic.

“Who’s your friend you want to see?” he asked nonchalantly, when he saw Yuri straighten up a little bit. He assumed that he had spotted his friend and was getting anxious to see her.

Yuri pointed down towards a girl standing near the barrier in a flashy and glittering costume. The fabric snaked around her like dangerous flames in various shades of blue, the short skirt frayed in different blue and black tones. Her outfit stood in contrast to her slightly dark red hair that was still incredibly bright, yet too intriguing to look away from. 

Ezra might have been gay but even he appreciated this girl’s beauty.

“Is she one of your rink mates?” he asked Yuri out of curiosity, which only earned him a nod from the blonde. Ezra couldn’t help himself when the next comment suddenly just slipped out of him. “She’s gorgeous,” he sighed, his eyes still fixed on her, “and you never tried to get it on with her? You really are gay, I suppose.”

He knew he had said something wrong when Yuri turned his head to face him, a look in his eyes he couldn’t possibly decipher.

“I never said I was gay,” Yuri said, his voice strangely calm.

Ezra swallowed hard and then thought about it for a second. Yuri was right. He had never said it.

“What about Otabek?” Ezra had to ask, because he didn’t have his curiosity under control.

Yuri turned around toward the ice again, his features not giving anything away. “Beka is,” he began, then exhaled deeply, “different.”

Ezra knew he should let it go then, but he didn’t. Yuri was talking, and he didn’t care anymore what they were talking about, as long as the blonde didn’t shut down. Plus, Yuri didn’t rip his head off when he mentioned Otabek, which was pretty good too.

“So,” Ezra started slowly, “you’re not gay then?”

In all honesty, he didn’t particularly care whether Yuri was gay or not, he was just very intrigued. Ezra had always known he was gay, even when he was in kindergarten. Back then he couldn’t describe it or put it into words, but on some level he had always known. Sexuality was such a fluid and interesting thing for him, and he was aware that everyone’s experience was different. Yuri’s apparently was nothing like his.

“I don’t know,” Yuri answered, and Ezra had a feeling he was being completely honest. “I never thought about it.”

That reply surprised Ezra a little, but not to the extent where he was going to push Yuri any further.

“Fair enough,” was all he said in response.

There was a loud and equally cheery announcement coming from the commentators, introducing the next skater, which was Yuri’s friend. Ezra listened carefully, picking up the girl’s name as Mila Babicheva.

He watched her as she stepped on the ice, the fringe of her skirt swaying wildly in the wind she created by doing a few rounds around the rink. There was something about her that made it very difficult to look anywhere else but at her.

“She really is beautiful,” Ezra whispered, not noticing that he had even opened his mouth until the words had been spoken aloud.

“And talented,” Yuri added, a small smile gracing his lips while his eyes followed her seamlessly.

**_Friday, 27 th January, Sheffield, 10.24pm_ **

By the time Ezra had made it back to his hotel room, he was absolutely exhausted. All he wanted to do was go to bed, but he had made a promise, and he wasn’t going to break it, so he got his phone out again to update Otabek.

 **Ezra:** _Ended up watching Mila’s free skate. I would never hit on her but man, she is gorgeous._  
**Ezra:** _Didn’t get a chance to really talk to Yuri though. Meeting him tomorrow for lunch.  
_**Ezra:** _Will keep you updated._

He had no idea what would happen the next day, but he was determined to get Yuri to open up. From what Otabek had told him, Yuri hadn’t talked about what had happened to him at the club at all. If Yuri kept this up and would continue to ignore the issue, Ezra knew it would sooner or later come back and bite him in the ass, which ultimately would only end in an even bigger mess.

**_Saturday, 28 th January, Sheffield, 12.22pm_ **

Unexpectedly lunch had been a rather awkward experience. Ezra had a plan but he certainly wouldn’t put Yuri through any of that in a public place. He had brought him back to his hotel room, the only reason for that being that Yuri shared his room with Mila, and Ezra didn’t want to risk her walking in on their conversation.

Ezra’s hotel was fairly close to the arena as well, so if Yuri did feel like he needed to go, he had the opportunity to do so. Ezra hoped it wouldn’t come to that, but he wanted to give Yuri a way out nevertheless.

“Why did you bring me here?” Yuri asked him as soon as he closed the room door behind them.

“Do you want some water or anything?” Ezra enquired in return, already grabbing two plastic bottles from the six-pack he had bought the previous day.

“Ezra,” Yuri said exhaustedly, snatching one of the bottles anyway.

Motioning for him to sit down on the bed, Ezra watched as Yuri ever so gracefully positioned himself cross-legged on the bed, opposite of him.

“Can I ask you something?” Ezra then tried to ease into the conversation. Yuri only nodded. “Did you mean what you said to me and Asel on New Year’s? That you’re falling in love with Otabek?”

Yuri looked away from him, but he nodded again.

“Then why are you ignoring him?” Ezra asked without dancing around the topic any further.

He saw Yuri swallow the imaginary lump that had no doubt gathered in his throat, before the blonde turned around to face him, his eyes small but not threatening.

“I told you I’m not talking about Beka,” Yuri replied calmly.

“Why not?” Ezra shot back, and Yuri immediately explained himself, or so he probably thought. “Because not talking about him makes everything easier.”

Ezra had no idea what to do with a statement like that. It wasn’t enough to make him understand what Yuri meant, so he asked, “Makes what easier?”

“Pretending that we never took that step from friends to… more,” Yuri said without missing a beat, but Ezra still couldn’t connect the dots. It didn’t make any sense to him.

“Why would you want to pretend that’s the case if you love him?” he asked, his brow furrowed in confusion.

For a shell-shocked second he thought he had said something wrong again, when the look on Yuri’s face changed into something unreadable.

“I’m broken, Ezra,” Yuri admitted quietly, and Ezra could feel his chest clench. Seeing Yuri so scared, like he had already given up, was all too familiar to him.

 _This_ had been him a little over four years ago.

It was then that Ezra realised that while he had been so set on telling Yuri his story, it wasn’t as easy as he wanted it to be. It took a lot more out of him than he would ever willingly confess to.

“Yuri,” he said once he had taken a deep breath, “look at me.”

He supressed the urge to reach out and lift his head, but thankfully Yuri did as he had asked him to. Ezra was looking in the blonde’s deep blue-green eyes, but all he could see was how lost Yuri was, how powerless and exhausted he was from fighting his feelings for Otabek.

“We’re all a little broken, Yuri,” he said and then stopped, when he saw Yuri’s eyes water, “and that’s okay.”

Ezra watched as the first tear rolled down Yuri’s cheeks, how his forehead suddenly creased, his eyebrows crinkled and his cheeks flushed pink. Yuri reached up a hand to dry his face with the sleeve of his hoodie, his eyes turned away from Ezra.

“I know it’s hard and I know that it can feel like you’re a burden to everyone around you, while at the same time you hate everyone babying you like you’re this… tiny little thing that can’t take care of himself,” Ezra said, trailing off. He only stopped when he saw Yuri’s questioning gaze on him.

Ezra quickly shook his head as if to get rid of his current train of thought.

“Point is,” he began again, “I know how you feel and all I can advise you is to ask for help. Trust me, it’s okay to need help. I wouldn’t be here if I had rejected all the hands that reached out to me.” Yuri looked at him even more irritated, but Ezra didn’t know how to actually get to the point. “You can’t possibly deal with all of this on your own. Let your friends in, talk to them, accept their help. Most importantly, don’t push the one person who loves you most away, or you will regret it.”

Yuri seemed immensely confused, and strangely enough Ezra perfectly understood why, but it was just so much harder to tell Yuri the truth than he had anticipated.

“No offence, Ezra,” Yuri said in a way that told him the blonde actually meant it, “but how could you possibly know how I feel after what… what that guy did to me?”

Ezra could tell this wasn’t easy for Yuri either.

He tried his best to come up with a way to tell Yuri what happened to him, a way that wouldn’t scare Yuri off, or make him feel even worse.

“You remember the winter you met Otabek in Barcelona?” he asked first, once again only getting a nod from Yuri. “That was the beginning of a great friendship for you,” Ezra said, looking straight at Yuri, “but it was a very nasty end of a 13-months relationship for me.”

Ezra knew he had Yuri’s undivided attention when the blonde sat up a little straighter, the water bottle dropped in his lap, and his eyes practically hanging on his lips.

“I was 17 when I had my first real boyfriend,” Ezra said, and unconsciously shivered. “His name was Daniar. He was good friends with Temir, three years older than me and everything I had ever wanted in a guy. Tall, good-looking, generous, kind, attentive. He was everything most girls and guys alike were dreaming about.”

Ezra felt Yuri’s eyes burning into his skin. As it turned out then, he was the one who wanted to run, but he stayed, remembering why he was telling Yuri all of this in the first place.

“But that was only one side of the coin. A month or so after my 18th birthday, I found out that he had been cheating on me with a bunch of people for quite some time.”

Yuri’s facial expression immediately changed from intrigue and curiosity to empathy, an emotion Ezra hadn’t even been sure Yuri was capable of.

“I’m sorry,” the blonde simply said. It was such a simple phrase, but it held so much weight to it, and Ezra appreciated it greatly.

He tried to collect himself, waving a hand in dismissal and pretending that it wasn’t a big deal, that he was fine, which he was. Now, at least.

“It was alright. Well, actually I was heart-broken, but I think it was the cheating that got to me rather than the relationship ending, if you know what I mean,” Ezra said, shrugging one shoulder.

Yuri didn’t say anything, but Ezra could tell that he did indeed understand what he meant.

“Anyway,” Ezra began again, “I broke things off obviously, but Daniar wasn’t happy about that at all. I’m still convinced I was actually in love with him, but when I ended things I got really scared of him to the point where I didn’t leave the house on my own anymore.”

He had gotten this far, he could tell Yuri the rest.

“When Otabek was away in, I think it was Japan, I had plans to go out with Max and Asel. I was alone at home. I can’t even remember where my parents were, but Ali was out with his girlfriend at the time.”

Ezra took a deep breath, willing himself to move on while Yuri listened quietly.

“I was just getting a drink from the kitchen when I heard the backdoor open. I barely managed to turn around to see who was there when Daniar pushed his entire weight against me. He covered my mouth with his hand and then manhandled me to the kitchen counter, forcefully bending me over. I was trying to wriggle myself out of his hold but I couldn’t.”

He felt the tears starting to pool in his eyes, the memories too much for him to handle, but he forced his voice to carry on.

“Before I could really grasp what was happening, Danair pulled his hand back from my mouth. I wanted to scream but absolutely no sound came out. Next thing I remember is someone tying a tea towel at the back of my head, covering my mouth. Then there were four hands on me. I wanted to push them away and off the counter. I just wasn’t strong enough.”

At this point, Ezra was barely even aware that Yuri was with him in the room. He had spaced out almost entirely, just like he had done back then.

“My mind went completely blank when someone pulled my jeans and underwear down. There were two hands holding my arms together behind my back, another one in my hair, pushing my head down, and a fourth one between my legs, groping me. Danair spread my legs apart with his knee and only a few seconds later, he… he pushed inside me.”

Out of the corner of his eyes, Ezra saw Yuri’s entire face fall, but it still didn’t really register with him.

“He raped me,” Ezra then said, his voice surprisingly firm. He hated that word, _rape_ , because just saying it made him feel weak, but telling Yuri about it brought an unusual sense of satisfaction with it as well. Ezra had never told anyone what happened to him. Everyone who knew had either been there or had heard it from someone else.

“My body gave up immediately when he forced himself inside me. I stopped fighting and just let it happen. I barely remember what happened after that. I have no idea how long it went on for. I just know that when he was finished, he stepped back, and him and his friend Serik kicked me in the back of my knees. I buckled and slid off the counter. The last thing I remember is their laughter echoing through the room. I passed out before they had even left.”

Ezra went silent then, too lost in his own head to stay fully aware of his surroundings.

It was Yuri who spoke up first.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, his voice small and cautious. “I’m so sorry, Ezra. I… I had no idea.”

Maybe it was simply Yuri’s voice, maybe it even was the sincerity in it, Ezra didn’t know, but it pulled him back into a reality.

He managed a small sad smile for Yuri, shaking his head softly to try to rid himself of the overwhelming, yet imaginary, feeling of a rope around his neck. His mind had other plans.

The most recent memory of seeing Daniar at the club he was DJing at roughly a week ago, came rushing back to Ezra. The rope got pulled in every which way before it started to close in on him, tight and incredibly rough on his throat, threatening to snap his neck.

It felt like his lungs were collapsing. He suddenly couldn’t breathe, the thought of choking making his head spin.

It was only when he felt Yuri’s hands covering his ears, his face only inches away from his own, that Ezra somehow found his way back to that hotel room in Sheffield.

“Hey,” Yuri said, Ezra’s eyes focussing in on the blonde’s delicate features, “what the hell just happened, Ezra?”

Wrapping his hands around Yuri’s wrists, Ezra smiled, genuinely this time. “I’m alright,” he said, hoping that he sounded as reassuring as he intended. “Sometimes it just gets a little intense thinking about it,” he confessed, not taking his eyes off Yuri.

The Russian had a small smile of his own on his lips, but his eyes were filled with concern. As hard as Yuri was to read sometimes, the easier he was to read when he was at his most vulnerable.

“Why did you tell me all of this?” Yuri then asked, his hands retracting but not before he brushed Ezra’s tears away.

Ezra only then noticed how close Yuri had gotten. He was kneeling in front of him, the gap that had separated them before now gone.

Yuri looked so small, so afraid and deeply affected by what he had told him. As awful as it sounded, that was exactly what Ezra had been aiming for. It was necessary to open Yuri’s eyes.

Reaching out for Yuri’s hands, Ezra squeezed them gently.

“I want you to understand that I’m not lying when I say I know how you must feel,” he simply said.

He saw Yuri sigh, but this time the blonde didn’t look away from him.

“It’s not the same, Ezra,” Yuri retorted. “What happened to you is so much worse than what that guy did to me at the club.”

This was exactly what Ezra had been worried about. He had feared Yuri would think that.

“Stop,” he said immediately, “you can’t think that way, Yuri. There is no scale on which you can measure the severity of sexual assault. It’s all equally horrifying. Assault is assault. That’s all there is to it. What that idiot did to you is just as disgusting and unforgivable as what Daniar and Serik did to me.”

Yuri didn’t say anything, but Ezra could tell he had something on his mind.

“What are you afraid of, Yuri?” he asked, sensing that the blonde was indeed bothered by something.

“I don’t want to hurt him,” Yuri said, and Ezra knew who he was talking about without having to beg for clarification.

“You already did,” Ezra responded, very well aware of what he said, and not surprised at all by the shock on Yuri’s face. “Otabek thinks you hate him.”

“I don’t,” Yuri shot back immediately. “I know,” Ezra reassured him just as quickly.

It was easy to see how conflicted Yuri was, but Ezra didn’t want to force anything out of him. Yuri wouldn’t be honest with him if he felt like he was pressured.

“Why would he want me, Ezra? I can’t be fixed,” Yuri said quietly.

“What do you mean by that exactly?” Ezra asked in return, and Yuri didn’t hesitate at all before he replied.

He inhaled deeply, probably trying his best to figure out what it was he actually wanted to say.

“When Beka was in St. Petersburg, it took me four days to kiss him in a way where I didn’t want to stop. It took me five days to beg him to touch me, six days to trick him into giving me a hand job in the shower, and seven days to coax him into fucking me,” Yuri explained, but Ezra couldn’t possibly begin to understand what he was actually getting at by revealing all these details.

“What are you trying to say, Yuri?” he asked cautiously.

Yuri fumbled with Ezra’s fingers for a moment, letting his own slide over his knuckles, obviously concentrating very hard on what was going to say.

“Why would Beka want someone who was this desperate to fuck so soon after getting assaulted? The way I acted, it wasn’t normal, Ezra. I clung to him like a monkey. I didn’t give him any space to breathe. I made him miss practice because I needed a babysitter,” Yuri explained, his hands grabbing hold of Ezra’s like his life depended on it somehow. “I treated him like a damn doll. I used him the way I wanted without ever thinking about how he felt, and then I fucking yelled at him at the airport. I embarrassed him.”

Those words stung Ezra more than he had expected. Otabek was one of his closest friends, and while he did consider Yuri to be a friend now as well, it wasn’t quite the same. The thought of Otabek getting hurt, made his chest feel too tight.

“How could Beka possibly want someone like that?” Yuri asked again, “Someone like _me_?”

Yuri wasn’t crying but seemed all the more desperate and lost. Ezra understood that feeling well.

“First of all,” he began, squeezing Yuri’s hand again, “there is no guideline or how-to book on how you are supposed to be feeling. You can’t tell yourself that what you were feeling and doing was wrong, because it wasn’t. Don’t think of it as purely wanting to have sex. Think of it more as a way of wanting to be close to someone you care about, and that’s the most natural thing you could possibly want.”

Yuri looked up at him, but Ezra could see that he wasn’t completely convinced.

“And second of all,” he therefore carried on, “Otabek is not a doll. He never was and he never will be. You know just as much as I do that he never does anything he doesn’t want to do. He was in St. Petersburg because he wanted to be there for you, not because you forced him to. When he kissed you back, he wanted to kiss you back, and when he decided to sleep with you, he didn’t do it just because you asked. He did it because he wanted it too.”

Before Ezra knew what was happening then, Yuri leaned forward and flung his arms around his shoulders mumbling, “thank you.”

It was impossible to tell whether or not Yuri really did actually let all of the things he had told him sink in, but at least Ezra had tried.

**_Saturday, 28 th January, Almaty, 7.04pm_ **

The draw for the free skate had revealed that Yuri would be the second-to-last person to perform his routine. With the time difference between Almaty and Sheffield, Otabek had plenty of time to meet up with Asel and Maxim for dinner.

They had ordered their food and drinks, passing the time with idle small talk when Otabek’s phone vibrated in his jeans pocket. He grabbed it to check who had send him a message, only to discover that it was Ezra, just as expected.

 **Ezra:** _I told him everything.  
_**Ezra:** _Yuri thinks you don’t want someone like him._

Someone like him? What did that even mean?

 **Ezra:** _He’s in his own head. He’s convinced that he used you and that you can’t possibly want him.  
_**Ezra:** _You need to tell him how you feel, Beka. Asap._

“Is that Ezra?” Maxim asked, effectively snapping him out of his haze.

Otabek lightly nodded in response, still trying to understand what Ezra, or rather Yuri, actually meant. He was absolutely clueless as to why Yuri would think that he had used him.

Only realising that he had stayed silent for a while when Asel put her hand on his forearm, Otabek looked up at her, but he felt a little like he wasn’t actually there with her and Maxim.

“Beka, I’m going to ask you something and I want you to answer me immediately. Don’t think about it, just tell me, okay?” Asel instructed him.

Otabek didn’t really see where she was going with this, but she managed to divert his mind from Yuri for a moment. He was intrigued enough to focus his entire attention on Asel.

“Have you ever been in love?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“How often?” she dug deeper.

“Once.”

“With Sofia?” Asel finally asked.

“No.”

Otabek barely had a second to comprehend what he had said, when he saw Maxim’s knowing smirk and Asel’s twinkling eyes.

“Then you need to tell Yuri that,” Asel said as if it was the most logical thing anyone had ever said to him.

**_Saturday, 28 th January, Almaty, 11.24pm_ **

It all suddenly seemed so incredibly easy to Otabek. He knew what he had to do, even though he really didn’t want to do it over the phone, especially the first time he was going to say it out loud.

He still had to tell Yuri the truth.

 **Otabek:** _I need to talk to you, Yura._  
**Otabek:** _Call me or text me back.  
_**Otabek:** _Please. Just get in touch with me._

**_Saturday, 28 th January, Sheffield, 10.08pm_ **

Yuri’s free skate was as flawless and perfect as it was back in Vancouver. He still felt like this routine was the only thing he did right in Canada, and that he had screwed up everything else while he had been there. This time though, he could pride himself on two outstanding performances, both of which ultimately landed him the gold medal.

He found himself in the middle of the podium with Chris on his right side (as the silver medallist) and surprisingly Emil to his left side (as the bronze medallist).

As proud as he was of himself, Yuri just wanted to go to bed. It wasn’t just the skating that was starting to really get to him, it was everything else on top of it.

Desperately missing Victor and Yuuri, and _home_ , was one thing, missing Otabek was an entirely different thing. Both of those things were equally painful though, and just the thought of having to go through the exhibition program the next day, made him feel shallow and empty. He just wanted to go home.

**_Sunday, 29 th January, Sheffield, 10.07am_ **

Mila was still downstairs for breakfast, when Yuri heard a knock on his room door. He wasn’t really surprised to see Ezra in the corridor, his suitcase next to him.

“My flight leaves soon,” he explained, but Yuri still invited him in. “I just wanted to give you this,” Ezra said, holding out a small green flash drive.

“What is this?” Yuri asked, reaching for it at the same time.

“There is some stuff on there you should see, or rather listen to,” was all Ezra said. “Just do me one favour,” he began again, “wait until you’re back in St. Petersburg to check it out.”

Yuri couldn’t really deal with Ezra’s cryptic message, way to intrigued now to find out what was on the flash drive, but he agreed anyway.

“I need to go,” Ezra said before he turned around on his heels.

Yuri followed him back to the door and grabbed Ezra as soon as the older man had turned around to say his goodbyes. The hug was quickly returned, and just for a single fraction of a second, Yuri let himself pretend that it was someone else entirely he was holding in his arms.

“It was great to see you,” Ezra eventually mumbled into the crook of Yuri’s neck, and the blonde reluctantly pulled back.

“You too,” Yuri responded, meaning it.

“Please talk to Otabek. Let him help you, okay?” Ezra tried to convince Yuri while he lifted one of his hands to push a strand of Yuri’s hair back.

Ezra kissed him on the cheek before he flashed him one last smile, only to then turn around to walk away.

Yuri watched him leave with a sudden tinge of disappointment running through him.

**_Sunday, 29 th January, Sheffield, 12.03pm_ **

It didn’t even take Yuri two hours before he caved. Mila had left with Lilia a few minutes prior and as soon as they had gone, Yuri sat down on the bed and leaned against the headboard. He opened up his laptop and turned it on.

Yuri twisted the flash drive between his fingers, impatiently waiting for his laptop to load fully. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but what he found was certainly not it.

There were four mp3-files and one word document, which was entitled ‘Read this first!’ Yuri did exactly that. He opened the document and couldn’t hide a tiny grin when he read the first line.

_‘Yuri, my beautiful Russian fairy!’_

Even if Ezra hadn’t given him the flash drive in the first place, Yuri would certainly know now that it was from him. No one else would greet him this way.

_‘By the time you’re reading this, we will hopefully have talked, and I will probably have let you in on one of my biggest secrets. Just in case I forgot to tell you this before, I want you to know that it’s okay if you’re not okay. I’m still not and I don’t know if I ever will be again, but I have so many incredible people around me who make each day worth living. You do too, and trust me when I tell you that Otabek is the first one in line willing to help you through it all. He wants to be there for you._

_Let him.’_

Yuri barely managed to hold his tears back, but he had a sneaky suspicion that what was about to come would be a lot worse than what Ezra had written up until then.

_‘If you ever want to talk, you know how to reach me._

_You don’t have to fight this alone, Yuri._

_Love you, tiger!_

_Ezra x’_

Before Yuri read on, he checked the mp3-files. They were only numbered without any other sort of title indicating what they actually were.  

He put his headphones on, even though he was alone in the room. Then he clicked on the file that was marked with the number one. Yuri tensed when the first notes of a song hit his eardrums.

“ _Symphony_ ” – _‘I wrote this a few months after my assault. Before Daniar and Serik pretty much put my life on hold I was the person I am again now (mostly anyway) – carefree, good-natured, always laughing and smiling. I was independent and thought I didn’t rely on anyone, but the rape left me feeling empty and worthless. I wrote this for my friends and more specifically my brother. I have no idea who I would be or if I’d even be here today if it weren’t for all of them. I figured out that it was okay to be broken, when I realised that I had enough people around me who were eager to help patch me up again.’_

Yuri felt his tears running down his face relentlessly as soon as he read what Ezra had written about this specific song. He could feel the steady rhythm of the song in his heartbeat, the strings flowing around him holding on tight with the piano keys pressing down on his skin.

_“A rhapsody for you and me / And every melody is timeless /_

_And when you’re gone, I feel incomplete / I just wanna be part of your symphony /_

_Will you hold me tight and not let go? / **I’m sorry if it’s all too much** / _

_Every day you’re here, I’m healing / **And I was running out of luck** / _

_I never thought I’d find this feeling / Like a love song on the radio /_

_Will you hold me tight and not let go?”_

One line stuck with Yuri immediately when the melody faded out. He made his first resolution right there and then.

He would no longer be a burden to Otabek.

Quickly wiping away the first wave of tears, he opened the second mp3-file with equal hesitation and eagerness.

“ _Bird Set Free_ ” – _‘I don’t know if Otabek ever told you that but Asel does not only sing, she also writes. Not professionally, but more therapeutically. I wrote this song with her. This is the song that helped me make peace with what Daniar and Serik did to me. I cut them loose. They can’t hurt me anymore, because I won’t let them. I throw myself into my music when I’m going through tough times. Otabek talks about your skating a lot and from what I’ve seen, I can imagine why. Watching you skate, even on television, is like seeing a completely different person, not a better you or a worse you, just a very different you. Use your passion for the ice, Yuri. Use it to your advantage.’_

The song had started cautiously, another piano echoing in Yuri’s ears. He closed his eyes and imagined Otabek sitting at his piano back in Almaty, the way his fingers wandered over every single key like they knew instinctively where to pause and which ones to pay more attention to. When a woman’s voice began singing, Yuri instantly picked up on the intensity of it.

_“Clipped wings, I was a broken thing / Had a voice but I could not sing /_

_You would wind me down / I struggled on the ground /_

_But there’s a scream inside that we all try to hide / We hold on so tight, we cannot deny /_

_But I don’t wanna die / I find myself in my melodies /_

_I sing for love, I sing for me / **Hear me roar tonight** / _

_You held me down / **But I fought back loud** / _

**_I shout it out like a bird set free_ ** _”_

This song was similar, yet completely different to the first one. It was easy to hear the pain in the woman’s voice, the determination to fight and the willingness to let everyone hear that she was there to stay. When Yuri thought about Ezra and Asel writing the lyrics for this song, his heart broke into more pieces than he cared to admit.

Then the second resolution manifested itself in Yuri.

He would get over his demons, but he would do it alone.

The second song had been too intense for Yuri to actually cry, even though he was sure he wanted to. He just couldn’t. When he clicked on the third mp3-file, he was surprised by the immediate upbeat rhythm of the song thumping in his ears.

It was nothing like the first two songs, the guitar and drums too much in sync, creating something that was drawing Yuri in without any problem. Yuri had a feeling that this wasn’t one of Ezra’s songs and he was proven right, when he read through the lines Ezra had left him for this song.

“ _Encore_ ” – _‘I doubt that Otabek shared this with you, but I struggled with self-harm quite a bit a while after the assault. At the time, it seemed like the only thing that gave me joy, because I was the one in control. It was my decision and no one else’s. Regret came much, much later. It came crashing down on me until I didn’t even know what the hell I was doing anymore. Ali wrote this song for me. It was the last one he ever wrote and recorded himself. He was the one who opened my eyes to the fact that this power I felt when I cut myself was nothing other than an illusion. I know it was hard for him seeing me so self-destructive, but I will forever be grateful that he didn’t give up on me.’_

Yuri had been surprised when Ezra revealed his past to him, but now he had given him another piece of the puzzle. The thought alone of Ezra cutting into his own skin was terrifying to Yuri. He couldn’t understand how anyone could get to the point where they felt like hurting themselves was the only way to be in control.

_“You could be running / But you know you never get far /_

_**You could be running from yourself** / But stop running / _

_Begin where you are / Carry all the pain that keeps you burning /_

_Carry it away from your heart / Carry it to me and I will take it /_

_Take it apart, break it apart”_

One thing that became crystal clear to Yuri through the lyrics was simply how much Alisur cared for Ezra. They were twins, the bond between them probably strong enough already (not that Yuri had anything to compare it to), but this was so much more. It was easy to hear how Alisur had put his heart and soul into those lyrics, and how much he must have had to suffer through seeing his brother in pain.

The determination that he wasn’t going to put Otabek through the same thing, was even greater now. He would not let Otabek worry about him the way Alisur had been forced to worry about Ezra. Yuri had made his decision.

He reluctantly opened the last mp3-file after he had already read Ezra’s description. It was a massive understatement to say that he was nervous.

“ _Let It Out_ ” – _‘Otabek wrote this for you when he came back from St. Petersburg. Did you see that photo he posted on Instagram of Asel in the recording booth? We were recording this song. Just listen, really listen.’_

Yuri remembered the photo and the caption Otabek had written underneath it. He remembered how it had made his heart clench, before he shut Instagram and put his phone away without a second glance at the photo.

He put the laptop to his side on the bed and grabbed a pillow instead. Yuri rested his head against the headboard and held on tight to the pillow, closing his eyes in an attempt to solely concentrate on the song.

It didn’t take him long to realise that it was indeed Asel singing, but it still felt very new to his ears. He had only heard one other song she sang (another one of Otabek’s), her voice so distinct, strong and fragile in equal measures.

Yuri’s eyes began to tear up again. He just didn’t care.

_“Little did we know at the time / We had so much of us still to find /_

_With our young and innocent minds / So beautifully blind /_

_**It’s a pretty rare happiness that we know** / **And a pretty cold sadness if it goes** / _

_**The fear of falling too far away** / **So out of reach that you can’t catch me one day** / _

_All this glitter and dust / Flying round the words in our mouths /_

_Can’t stay, let it out / Everything and even nothing /_

_I feel tears in my eyes / Looking out, waiting for a chance to break /_

_Is it just my own heavy head / That’s making me so cold in your bed? /_

_**I used to feel like nothing could touch us** / **Maybe you feel the same** / _

_The longer we pretend it’s alright / **We’ll start exploding and be too weak to fight** / _

_**Let it out** / **Even if you think it’s nothing** ”_

By the time the song had finished, Yuri was full on sobbing, curled up on his side and still clutching the pillow. He thought his lungs had been squeezed shut as there was suddenly no air going in or out of them. His eyes were stinging and his eyelashes were heavy with tears weighing them down.

Yuri wanted to just stay there and never get up again. Let everyone else deal with his bullshit. He was done.

**_Sunday, 29 th January, Sheffield, 4.29pm_ **

He only had a few more minutes before the commentator would announce his exhibition skate. Yuri had barely managed to lift himself out of his hotel bed. He still had no idea how he had made it to the rink, or how he got changed into his costume.

The voices surrounding him were easily blocked out. Yuri’s mind was somewhere else entirely.

Growling at Yakov to give him his phone, Yuri did what he thought was best.

Listening to those songs on the flash drive Ezra had given him, made Yuri realise one thing for sure. It wasn’t Otabek who he hated, it never was and he knew it never would be. Otabek was too pure for anyone to ever hate. It wasn’t possible.

Yuri felt an immense amount of hatred for himself, for everything he put his friends through. Most obviously Mila, but also Victor and Yuuri, even Yakov and Lilia. The one person who made him hate himself so much though was Otabek.  

He recalled Ezra’s words from the previous day. Yuri _did_ hurt Otabek when he had shouted at him, telling him he hated him, and he kept hurting him even now.

Yuri didn’t want that anymore. He couldn’t live with himself if he would continue hurting Otabek. The only way to give Otabek what he deserved, was to step back. This way Otabek could get over it and most importantly, he could move on and be happy.

His name was coming loudly from every speaker in the arena, when Yuri’s fingers were quickly running over his phone screen, typing a message that would break his heart for good.

**_Sunday, 29 th January, Almaty, 9.31pm_ **

Otabek was just about to head to his bedroom to get ready for bed when his phone rang, indicating that he had received a message.

He knew the chance that it would be Yuri finally replying to his texts was slim to practically non-existent, but deep down he was too much of an optimist to not let that tiny flame of hope simmer inside him.

His heart stopped beating for a second, when he unlocked his phone to see that it was Yuri after all who had just texted him, twice.

The only problem was that what Yuri wrote was so far removed from what he had hoped for, that he kept re-reading his words over and over again.

 **Yura <3:** _I can’t be your boyfriend.  
_**Yura <3:** _Please stop texting me._

It had been Yuri who pushed _them_. It had been him who wouldn’t let it go. It had been him who made Otabek believe that they could do this.

Why was Otabek the one now who felt like something inside him had just died?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm fairly certain that none of you are even remotely interested in this extra bit of info after the rollercoaster ride from hell that was this chapter, but I'm going to tell you anyway.
> 
> Mila's free skate outfit is based on Mao Asada's FP dress from the 2014 Sochi Olympics.
> 
> The songs from the flashdrive are by Clean Bandit ft. Zara Larsson ("Symphony"), Sia ("Bird Set Free"), Wallis Bird ("Encore") and Frances ("Let It Out"). 
> 
> You're all allowed to hate me now as much as Yuri hates himself at the moment. I won't even judge you.


	9. It Ain't Always Greener on the Other Side.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maxim is angry, Otabek is... not Otabek, Yuri is hiding, Yuuri is concerned, Victor is not, Ezra is convinced, and Asel is not taking anyone's bullshit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to officially apologise for the last chapter now and say how sorry I am to have hurt so many feelings (yours and Otabek's!). I promise (and that's like a real and honest promise this time) that I'll make it up to you. Just put your faith in me (pleeease) and I will guarantee that everything will be alright in the end with both Yuri and Otabek. 
> 
> Some housekeeping: This chapter is very short (only a little over 4K) but I wanted to give you at least something tonight. I have vistors at the moment and I won't really get a chance to produce much else over the next few days. Right now I'm sad to say that there probably won't be another update until the end of next week. I just didn't want to leave you guys hanging with absolutely nothing for basically two weeks (especially not after THAT chapter), so here's a chance to see a little more of Maxim (as well as Victuuri and Asel). Maybe as a birthday gift to myself and my baby Maxim, I will treat YOU all to a monster of a chapter next Friday. Keep your fingers crossed! ;)

**_Monday, 30 th January, Almaty, 9.52am_ **

Maxim had been at work for less than an hour when his phone rang, which in itself wasn’t an unusual thing to happen given that he spent a lot of time on the phone due to his job as an editor. Since one of the books he edited somehow ended up on the New York Times bestseller list, people were chasing after him like bees were chasing flowers in the summer. It had gotten ridiculous.

The luxury of picking and choosing his projects could get a little overwhelming at times, but at the end of the day that was exactly where he had always wanted to be, so he couldn’t really complain about it now.

Expecting another impatient client, Maxim picked his phone up from his office desk only to find that it was Otabek’s coach ringing him. Alarm bells immediately went off in his head. No one besides him and Otabek knew about it, but he was the latter’s emergency contact.

“It’s Maxim,” he blurted out as soon as he accepted the call. “Is everything okay with Otabek?”

“He hasn’t shown up for practice,” the man on the other end of the line informed him. “I can’t leave the rink at the moment. Can you check on him please?”

Maxim didn’t hesitate at all. Work be damned, this was more important. He told the coach he’d go over to Otabek’s apartment right away.

Not long after Otabek had returned to Almaty from training in the US and Canada over four years earlier, he had asked Maxim to be his emergency contact for the simple reason that he didn’t want to worry his parents in case his coach would have a reason to call someone. Maxim had willingly agreed to it, not really expecting to ever be in the situation he was in now.

All sorts of different scenarios were running circles in his head. What if something had happened to Otabek? What if he had had an accident and was lying in a ditch somewhere and no one knew? Maxim had a tendency to always immediately go to the worst-case scenarios. This was no different.

He grabbed his jacket, phone and keys, checking that Otabek’s apartment keys were still on the bundle as well, before he headed out.

The secretary at the entrance of the office was obviously irritated, but he had no intention to worry about that.

Luckily his office wasn’t far from Otabek’s place, so that he stood in front of the apartment door about fifteen minutes later. Maxim was already a bundle of nervous energy, but he knocked nonetheless. If Otabek was home, he really didn’t want to use his keys. Maybe all of this could be easily explained. Perhaps Otabek just overslept.

Even after the third knock, Maxim didn’t hear a peep inside the apartment. He got his keys out after all and carefully turned them inside the lock, opening up the door.

The first thing Maxim noticed was an intense stench of alcohol climbing up his nostrils. The second thing he became aware of was Ginger hurriedly running over to him, curling around his legs and purring.

The smell made his head spin when he picked Ginger up. He closed the door and buried the keys back in his pocket, before he made his way further into the apartment.

Both bedroom doors, one to his right and the other straight ahead, were wide open and Maxim could see that both rooms were empty without even stepping further inside. He didn’t know what to expect when he hesitantly walked into the kitchen and then turned around to the living room, but he would never in a million years have expected what he found there.

Otabek was clearly passed out on the sofa, lying on his stomach, one leg on the couch, the other half-way down over the side while his arms were in a similar position. Maxim was partly impressed and partly confused that Otabek was still on top of the sofa and hadn’t fallen off yet. However, seeing his friend like this wasn’t the most shocking part at all.

There were countless empty bottles of beer on the coffee table, some tipped over on the floor, and Maxim thought he spotted Otabek’s weird peach schnapps and two bottles of vodka as well, one of them still half-full, the other one completely drained, and Maxim hoped it hadn’t been full to begin with.

If it were Temir or Alisur, or even himself, Maxim wouldn’t be surprised. They all did stupid shit like that once in a while, it was just that _Otabek_ never did. He could count the times he had seen Otabek drunk, like drunk to the point where he couldn’t really walk or talk properly anymore, on one hand.

Maxim put Ginger back down on the floor and walked over to the other Kazakh man. He crouched down next to him, moving a few beer bottles out of his way to make some room, before he nudged Otabek’s arm gently.

“Beka,” he said quietly, mainly because he had a feeling that if Otabek did kill all those bottles on his own, a deadly headache was now definitely waiting for him. “Hey, Beka,” he repeated himself, and the other man eventually stirred a little.

When Otabek lazily opened one eye, it was glassy and empty, much like all the bottles around him. Maxim could confidently say that he had never seen him like this.

“Beka,” he said again, “what happened here last night? Did you have people over?”

Otabek pulled his arm away from Maxim, and ungracefully threw one limb over the other to turn around.

“Go away,” he mumbled before he curled up with his knees as close to his chest as possible and his back in a half-moon shape.

Maxim still had that horrible smell in his nose, so he grabbed Ginger again and put in her in the guest bedroom. He then opened the balcony door in the living room and the balcony door in Otabek’s bedroom to create a draught.

Otabek still didn’t move and Maxim didn’t really want to push him either, at least not yet. He picked up the bottles from the floor and collected them all on the bar counter, a little surprised just at the sheer amount. If Otabek really had drunk all of those on his own, it seemed to border on a miracle that he was still conscious.

Once all the bottles were cleared away, Maxim made tea. He also got a glass of water and a couple of paracetamol before he walked back over to Otabek.

He put the drinks on the coffee table and then sat down next to Otabek’s feet.

“Beka,” he tried again, “what happened here?”

Otabek didn’t reply this time either. He just curled in on himself a little more, if that was even possible.

“Your coach called me when you didn’t show up at the rink,” Maxim told him. “You can ignore me all you want, but I’m not leaving until you tell me what the hell is going on with you.”

He heard Otabek growl into his imaginary beard, before he saw his friend’s arm outstretch behind him.

“Phone,” Otabek mumbled, his face still turned into the sofa cushion.

Maxim had a look around the room and spotted it half-hidden under the entertainment set. He stood up and bent down to grab the phone off the floor.

Pushing it into Otabek’s hand, Maxim watched him as he apparently unlocked it. It took Otabek only two seconds before he had found what he was looking for. He passed the phone back to Maxim and immediately put both of his hands under his head.

The phone in his own hands now, Maxim was starting to get really confused. Nothing about this situation was anything like Otabek. He was the most collected person Maxim knew, yet everything he was doing right now completely destroyed that mental picture.

With another look at the small frame of his friend, Maxim finally focused his attention on whatever it was that Otabek wanted to show him.

At first he didn’t really know what exactly he was looking at, but then suddenly everything fell into place.

 **Yura <3:** _I can’t be your boyfriend.  
_**Yura <3:** _Please stop texting me._

So this was all Yuri’s fault.

Maxim had no grudge against the blonde Russian, he actually quite liked him and he thought Yuri complemented their group very well and most importantly he knew how much Yuri meant to Otabek. He was immensely surprised how quickly that entire opinion had changed once he had read those messages.

It wasn’t a question anymore, Otabek _had_ been drinking on his own. No one else had been over.

Maxim just thought he might kill Yuri if he had the chance.

**_Monday, 30 th January, St. Petersburg, 5.24pm_ **

Yuuri and Victor had left practice a little earlier than they normally would on a Monday, knowing that Yuri was back home probably waiting for them to make dinner. When they opened their apartment door however, they were greeted by eerie silence.

They both looked at each other, brows furrowed on their faces, wordlessly asking what was going on. Yuri hadn’t been particularly chatty before he left for Sheffield, but the atmosphere in the apartment now was almost creepy.

Yuuri made his way into the kitchen to check for a dirty mug or any sign that Yuri had made himself something to drink or eat, while Victor walked over into the living room where he found Yuri’s gold medal carelessly thrown over the sofa.

He reached out for it and turned around to his fiancé, holding the gold medal up for Yuuri to see.

“He certainly _was_ here,” Victor said, putting the medal down on the kitchen counter next to the other man, but Yuuri didn’t wait for him to say something else.

A few seconds later he stood in front of Yuri’s bedroom door. He knew how much the younger man hated people intruding on him, so he knocked. He really just wanted to check if Yuri was actually home or not.

“Yurio,” he said leaning against the door as if that would somehow make it easier to determine whether or not someone was actually in the room. “Is everything alright?”

When Victor joined him, Yuuri just shrugged his shoulders.

It was the older Russian then who threw his fist against the door, banging on it loudly. “Open up, Yurio,” he almost yelled.

Yuuri wasn’t particularly angry at him for being so harsh, but he still sent Victor a scolding look.

“Go the fuck away,” they eventually heard Yuri shout back from inside his bedroom, and Victor obviously couldn’t help himself. He turned to face the black-haired man next to him and grinned proudly.

“You’re too soft with him,” he said cheerily before he walked past his fiancé back towards the living room.

Yuuri glared at him, or at least tried to, and then followed him. “I’m sorry that I care about Yurio,” he said sarcastically. At that, Victor raised an eyebrow. “You think I don’t?”

“I know you do,” Yuuri shot back immediately, “but I think you’re being a little too hard on him sometimes.”

“Darling,” Victor mused and pulled him into his lap on the sofa, “you’ve really known Yurio for over four years now, have lived with him for almost two. Have you ever seen him truly mad at me?”

Yuuri shook his head once he thought about it for a moment. He hated to admit it, but Victor was right. He just didn’t know what exactly he was getting at.

“Exactly. He never gets _really_ angry with me. It’s all just a façade. He knows that as well as I do, but when I want him to talk to me, I need to push his buttons. He’s less… edgy around you. He doesn’t open up to me the way he does with you, unless I force him to his limits,” Victor explained.

“Fine,” Yuuri groaned and then quickly pressed a kiss to Victor’s cheek.

The Russian chuckled at that, the sound of his voice almost singing a short melody. “Fine?” he said and laughed.

“Shut up,” Yuuri quickly replied before he pulled Victor in for a much deeper and more passionate kiss, just to shut him up.

 ** _Monday, 30 th January, Almaty, 7.19pm_**

When he had seen Otabek on the couch in the morning, Maxim had immediately known that he would not be returning to work that day. Now it was past 7 o’clock in the evening, and all Otabek had really managed to do was take a bath and change into some clean clothes, and he probably wouldn’t even have done that if it weren’t for Maxim forcing him to do it.

The television was on and Otabek was back on the sofa, but he was clearly not really there, Maxim noticed as he whipped up some pasta for them in the kitchen. He wouldn’t even be surprised if Otabek was still a little intoxicated. The amount of alcohol he must have consumed had been impressive and scary alike. Maxim would’ve been surprised that Otabek didn’t even throw up, but he knew better. The two of them were the only ones in their group who could hold their liquor, regardless of how much or how little they had to drink.

Maxim shovelled some spicy tomato pasta into two bowls and headed over to the living room. He passed one along to Otabek who did take it only to put it down on the coffee table.

“Again,” he said, “ignore me all you like. You’re not getting rid of me until you talk to me.”

Otabek hadn’t said another word to him since he took the phone from him in the morning.

“There is nothing to talk about,” Otabek suddenly replied, before he turned his head around and looked at Maxim.

With a mouthful of pasta, Maxim didn’t even have a second to process that Otabek had actually said something, before he almost choked on a piece of tomato. He coughed a few times to clear his throat and then took a big gulp of his water.

“Really?” he asked, throwing back half of the water bottle then. “I think there’s loads to talk about.”

Otabek glared at him for a second before he turned his eyes back to the television.

“I’m not talking about Yura,” he said, his voice firm and decisive.

Maxim sighed. He knew Otabek was stubborn, always had been, in the same way the twins could be. Once they set their mind to something, it was hard to convince them otherwise, but this was different. It needed to be addressed.

“Watch me not giving a damn,” Maxim responded just as stubbornly, “he hurt you, so we’re talking about it.”

“He broke up with me. That’s all there is to it. Just let it go, Max,” Otabek said a lot less angry than he expected.

But Maxim wasn’t planning on letting it go any time soon. He wanted to know what had happened.

“What happened, Beka? I thought Ezra talking to him would help,” he said, hoping that Otabek would decide to open up after all.

“Yeah, well, so did Ezra and so did I. Looks like we were all wrong,” Otabek said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Now drop it,” he added quickly before he picked up his pasta bowl again and started eating.

Maxim was too nosy to just let it slide though. When it came to his friends, he would do anything to make them feel better, even if it meant pushing them to rock bottom first. He hadn’t told anyone what had happened yet or that Yuri had ended things with Otabek, but he knew he couldn’t cheer Otabek up on his own.

He got his phone out of his jeans pocket and texted the only person who could hopefully shine a little light on the situation – Ezra.

 **Maxim:** _You want to clue me in as to why Yuri broke up with Beka?_

It didn’t take long for his phone to vibrate next to him on the couch. Otabek was thankfully still not paying any attention to him, not even when it vibrated again, and again, and a fourth time.

 **Ezra:** _WHAT?_  
**Ezra:** _How?_  
**Ezra:** _Why?  
_**Ezra:** _I don’t understand…_

Maxim may have thought that Ezra had something to do with all of this given everything that had happened between him and Yuri on New Year’s, but the twin seemed surprised enough for him to drop his suspicions. He messaged back immediately after checking that Otabek was still otherwise occupied, mainly with his pasta.

 **Maxim:** _Yuri texted Beka last night saying that he can’t be his boyfriend and asking him to stop trying to get in touch._

Before Ezra had a chance to reply, he sent a follow-up.

 **Maxim:** _Beka got absolutely pissed last night… on his own. I’m surprised he’s sitting up straight and actually eating something right now._

“Stop texting Ezra,” Otabek growled then without taking his eyes off the television.

The phone in his hands vibrated again the second Otabek had spoken up, but Maxim was too taken aback to check the message now.

“How did you…,” he began, not knowing how to finish his question.

“I’m going to bed,” Otabek said, putting his still half-full bowl of pasta on the coffee table before he got up from the couch.

Maxim watched him walk away, Ginger right behind him. He barely had a second to register what had just happened, when he heard Otabek’s bedroom door click shut and Ginger’s quiet footsteps on the wooden floor coming closer again. Otabek had locked her out.

She jumped up into Maxim’s lap who looked down at her with a frustrated and concerned sigh.

“This is not going to end well, is it gorgeous?” he asked her, not in the least expecting an answer from her.

**_Tuesday, 31 st January, SP, 7.54am_ **

“Do you think we should ask Yurio if he wants to go to practice?” Yuuri asked his fiancé while he poured some tea into a thermos bottle for him to take out.

Victor just shrugged before he replied. “I doubt that he wants to go.”

“How can you possibly know that? His door is still shut,” Yuuri responded without actually slowing down. He was already putting his jacket on and pulling up the zipper.

“Because he would be out here if he did, love,” Victor explained before he pressed a kiss to Yuuri’s temple and handed him his scarf. “Besides, he probably deserves a day off. He did just bring a gold medal home. Maybe if you do that at Four Continents, I’ll let you rest for a day as well.”

Victor even had the nerve to wink at him after he had said that, which only prompted Yuuri to try to put on the most annoyed glare he could possibly muster, but judging by the fact that Victor’s grin only grew wider, he knew he didn’t quite pull it off.

“Just wait and see,” Yuuri challenged him before he pressed Victor’s own thermos into his fiancé’s chest on his way out of the apartment. “I still want to talk to him,” he added as soon as he had passed the other man.

“Be my guest, but I don’t think you’ll get much out of him,” Victor said, sipping on his tea on their way downstairs.

Yuuri had a feeling that he might be right, but he was determined nevertheless. He cared too much about Yuri to not be bothered by the sudden silent treatment again.

“He gets two days before I’m calling Otabek,” he said. It was so very obvious that Victor was about to say something, but Yuuri cut him off. “And no, I don’t care that you think it’s a bad idea to involve Otabek.”

With that, Yuuri pushed the building door open and stepped outside into the freezing cold while Victor was suddenly quiet as a mouse, but still grinning stupidly.

**_Tuesday, 31 st January, Almaty, 5.05pm_ **

Asel climbed the stairs up to the twins’ apartment with ease. She was planning to go and see Otabek, and she was determined to not go by herself.

Ringing the doorbell at the first-floor apartment, she wasn’t overly surprised to see Ezra answer it only a second later. What did surprise her though was Ezra himself.

“You sure you want to go out dressed like… that?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow at the strange mix of screaming neon green sweatpants and a mustard yellow t-shirt that had at least three holes in it, and those were only the ones Asel spotted at a first glance. She was sure she could find more if she kept looking.

Ezra only gifted her with a glare, his brown eyes sparkling, before he turned around and retreated back into the apartment, Asel right behind him on his heels.

“Talk to me, evil twin,” she said as she sat down on the sofa in the living room with Ezra busying himself making tea in the adjoining kitchen.

“I don’t feel very well. Can’t we just go another day?” Ezra asked her, obviously trying his best to make a reasonable excuse, but Asel had known him for way too long to be fooled by any of it.

He walked over to her with two steaming hot mugs of tea in his hands, handing one over to her before he made himself comfortable on the couch next to her.

“You’re trying too hard, dear,” Asel only replied, looking him up and down taking in those hideous clothes once again. “I don’t know where you even found those abominations, but on a regular day you wouldn’t be caught dead in something like this.”

She saw Ezra sigh into his tea, but he kept quiet.

“What’s going on?” she finally asked him, hoping for an honest answer and not another trick.

Ezra blew on his tea for a little while, perhaps trying to think of what to say, or decide what to do, and Asel gave him the chance to collect his thoughts.

“I can’t go see Beka,” he eventually said, when Asel had almost given up on getting anything out of him after all.

“Why not?” was all she asked in return.

Asel couldn’t even begin to think of any good reason why Ezra refused to go over there. He had been so eager to help Otabek before, flying to frigging Sheffield just to support Yuri. She had no idea why he was acting so strangely now.

“Yuri broke up with Beka because of me,” he simply said.

Eyebrows furrowed and eyes squinted, Asel was clueless as to why Ezra would think that.

“Whatever it is you think you did, forget about it. This is not on you, Ezra,” she said immediately, because deep down she honestly didn’t even want to know where this hideous idea had come from. “Yuri is most definitely old enough to decide things for himself. You were trying to help him. I don’t know why he did what he did, but I do know that it wasn’t because of you.”

Ezra seemed defeated when his shoulders sank and his head fell, but Asel knew what she had said didn’t sink in at all. His entire body language was fake. He was a horrible actor.

“I’m going to see Beka, and I want you to come with me, but I can’t make you,” she finally said, already getting up from the sofa again. “So?”

Asel wasn’t really certain what she had expected. When Ezra only slightly shook his head without even looking at her, she left the apartment without another glance at him.

On her way to Otabek’s place, she couldn’t shake that guilty feeling inside her stomach that told her she should’ve stayed with Ezra. She knew he was being idiotic and whatever he thought made Yuri end things with Otabek was far-fetched and most likely not true, but he was one of her best friends and she felt like she should’ve made sure that he was okay. Asel feared that leaving Ezra alone, even when she was aware of how (irrationally) hurt he was, meant that she didn’t care enough about him.

By the time she reached Otabek’s apartment building, Asel tried her hardest to push any concerns she had about Ezra to the back of her head. She was there for another friend who she was worried about.

She rang the bell on the front door of the building once, then twice, then three times, and four times, before she gave up after the fifth ring and still no answer from Otabek.

Asel couldn’t honestly say that she was massively surprised, but in general she had thought that Otabek was a little less stubborn than the twins. It looked like she was sadly mistaken though.

Since she wasn’t going to get inside the building, least of all into Otabek’s apartment from the looks of it, she tried ringing his phone. Same old story, no answer.

Her last resort was texting him. She had a gut feeling that told her Otabek would still ignore her, but she figured it was at least worth a shot.

 **Asel:** _I know you’re home Beka, and I also know that you haven’t been to practice yesterday or today._  
**Asel:** _I’m sorry about Yuri, I really am. I know it’s tough but I want you to talk to me.  
_**Asel:** _Keep ignoring the fucking doorbell, but I will be back to bother you and we WILL talk this out._

She had already sent all those messages when she went over them again, thinking that they might have sounded a little harsher than she had intended, so she finished with the simplest text she could think of.

 **Asel:** _Love you, douchebag! <3_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In other news, I have a complete outline for the rest of this story now and already paaages full of notes and ideas for the next story in this series. Here's another promise I'm more than confident I can keep, the next story will mainly take place during the World Championships and it's going to be mostly tooth-rotting fluff and sexy (I hope) smut (with only a tiny little side of angst). Like I said, I have the rest of this story here now outlined but I have no idea how many chapters are left at this point. Could be two, could be six, who can tell?! 
> 
> Also, is anyone up for some more Victuuri scenes (including some smut)?? Give me a shout if that's something you guys would like to see/read!
> 
> Hope ya'll have a great weekend and sorry again for breaking a few hearts with the last chapter! <3


	10. You Gave me Heaven, then You Took it Away.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otabek has more visitors than he's comfortable with and the things in Yuri's head just won't untangle themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here is a new chapter! :)
> 
> Most importantly though, _**HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my precious baby Maxim**_ who turns 25 today!!! I love this kid, and I hope you do too. Show him some love! <3

**_Wednesday, 1 st February, St. Petersburg, 2.34pm  
_ **

Being back at the rink wasn’t as exciting and relieving as Yuri had hoped it would be. He could feel them all staring at him, not just Victor, Yuuri and Mila, but even Yakov sent occasional glances his way that he could only describe as displeased and yes, also worried. It was pissing Yuri off.

He already got enough of that at home with Katsudon constantly making a fuss about him and he’d only been back for less than 48 hours. Sure, Sheffield was nice (he got the freaking gold medal after all), but what came after was what made Yuri’s stomach hurt every time his mind started to wander again.

Skating, practicing and focussing on the ice was supposed to help him, distract him from what he had done and especially from what he had given up. All of his rink mates staring at him like he was some sort of prey didn’t do anything to aid that wish. Yuri tried his best not to show his discomfort, but he knew that they all had known him long enough to know that they made him uncomfortable, which in turn didn’t stop them from doing exactly that though.

Yuri shook his head, more to himself than anyone else, and skated off, as far away from the others as he could but the rink was only so big. There wasn’t any place to hide here, so he threw himself back into his routine. He had it down, no questions about that. He just won the European Championship for fuck’s sake, but that didn’t stop him from spinning and jumping like there was no tomorrow.

His heart set on another quad salchow, Yuri unceremoniously stopped in his tracks, and only just avoided falling over flat on his face, when he heard Yakov bellowing at him.

“Yuri,” Yakov shouted from the side of the rink, “stop that nonsense.”

Instead of biting back, Yuri actually nodded silently and went back to doing lazy circles. He knew he shouldn’t exhaust himself doing jump after jump and potentially hurt himself. It was just the only way he was familiar with that would reduce that lingering pain in his chest.

Yuri spent another two hours or so, he wasn’t quite sure, skating aimlessly around the rink, an occasional jump here, an easy spin there. He had lost track of time when Katsudon came up to him with a small smile on his lips. Yuri however saw through that. It was a fake smile.

“We’re going home,” Yuuri announced, “do you want to come with us or do you want to stay?”

It didn’t take long for Yuri to weigh his options. “Give me five minutes.”

Katsudon left him alone again, most likely to go shower and get changed, and Yuri used the opportunity to have the rink to himself as Mila and Yakov had suddenly disappeared as well. He launched into another jump only to completely mess up the way into it. He wasn’t fast enough and his body didn’t rotate the way it was supposed to. Landing awkwardly on his thigh and ass at the same time, Yuri was strangely reminded of the time he fell while Otabek was still with him in St. Petersburg. Victor had approached him when Yuri wasn’t ready for anyone other than Otabek to touch him, and he had lost all control over his own body. He fell hard on the ice, bruising the same spot he held his hand to now.

Yuri was cowering on the freezing cold ice. He swallowed down the imaginary lump that had built in his throat. The memory of Otabek’s hand around his arm, helping him up and taking him home felt like a thousand little needles piercing his skin. He couldn’t help but wonder what Otabek was doing right now and if he missed Yuri as much as Yuri missed him.

**_Thursday, 2 nd February, Almaty, 4.54pm_ **

Otabek watched the time literally ticking by on the clock above his entertainment centre. He knew he had about an hour left before Maxim would show up again. It was beyond him why his friend still bothered to come by every morning before work and every evening after work. Why did Maxim care so much? Otabek wouldn’t if he were in his shoes.

Sitting on the couch in his oldest pair of sweatpants and a shirt that was at least two sizes too big for him, Otabek hadn’t really moved all day. There were two mugs of cold milky tea sitting on the coffee table and a plate with some toast that Otabek hadn’t touched at all since Maxim had put it in front of him. He couldn’t quite recollect the last time he really ate something, but it must have been the pasta Maxim had made on Monday.

The television was on, Otabek however paid no attention to it whatsoever. He didn’t even know where his phone was. He had no inclination to know anyway. Yuri wouldn’t call or text and he wasn’t interested in hearing from anyone else.

Ginger was curled up on the other couch. She hadn’t really left him completely alone in ages, but she kept her distance nevertheless. Otabek couldn’t really blame her. He would stay away too.

Otabek was just staring into space, his mind preoccupied with thoughts about Yuri, what they had done together, what they used to have together, and how much he wanted them to be together. He was kidding himself, knowing that those thoughts were futile since Yuri had made his feelings for him perfectly clear, but Otabek couldn’t stop himself from reminiscing… and hoping.

There was a disturbing knock on the door, not the first one today, that didn’t get a reaction out of Otabek at all. He didn’t even flinch. It was impossible to stop Maxim barging in every day since he had a key, but Otabek was determined to ignore everyone else who tried to talk to him, mainly because he thought that there was absolutely nothing to talk _about_.

The knocking persisted for a few minutes and Otabek caught himself wondering who was so eager to see him, but he wasn’t intrigued enough to make the effort to actually open the door. Ginger looked at him, silently judging him for allowing this hellish noise. Otabek could honestly say that he didn’t care.

When the knocking stopped, there was a fleeting moment where Otabek thought he was disappointed that whoever wanted to talk to him had given up on him, but the thought was gone as quickly as it had come.

He heard his phone chirping from somewhere in the room, and while he had shown absolutely no interest in anything before, there was a tiny part inside him that was curious, probably thinking that whoever was at the door before would angrily text him now. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Reluctantly he got up from the couch and dragged his tired legs across his living room to the small bar in his kitchen where he found his phone blinking away, indicating that he had at least one notification. Otabek grabbed the phone and forced his exhausted feet to carry him back to the sofa where he let himself fall back down, relaxing his aching muscles once again.

He typed in his pin (which was still Yuri’s birthday because he couldn’t bring himself to change it) and found even more messages than he had expected. There were Instagram notifications, Facebook messages and WhatsApp texts as well as missed calls. Otabek scanned through all of them as quickly as he could, not actually reading any of the messages, just checking who had sent them. None of them were from Yuri, not that he had expected it to be honest, but he couldn’t help feel incredibly hurt. It was like the knife in his chest got twisted just to increase the pain he was already in.

He did, however, find two messages he simply couldn’t ignore. One was from Mila, which she had apparently sent on Monday already. It was a video and without even watching it, he knew what it was. The thumbnail of the video showed Yuri on the ice in an outfit he hadn’t seen before. This was Yuri’s exhibition skate from Sheffield. Otabek was aching to watch it, to see Yuri skate, see him either vulnerable or full of energy. He didn’t know which music Yuri had chosen for his gala piece, so he didn’t know how his presentation had been either. In the end it didn’t matter. Otabek wouldn’t watch the video.

The other message he instinctively chose not to ignore was from Katsuki. Yuri may have broken up with him, but that didn’t automatically mean that Otabek stopped caring about him. If Yuuri got in touch with him, it was most likely about Yuri and Otabek needed to know if something had happened to the blonde.

He opened the text thinking that Yuri had been injured, fallen on the ice, or worse, what if he had done something stupid and intentionally hurt himself? If Ezra had told him the truth, Yuri knew how the twin had coped after his assault. What if that had put ideas into Yuri’s head? Otabek had never looked at it from that angle, but now that his mind went there, he couldn’t stop.

The content of Katsuki’s text however didn’t confirm any of his suspicions, which didn’t mean that it hurt any less.

 **Yuuri Katsuki:** _Did you go to Sheffield to see Yurio?_

 **Otabek:** _No._

Surprised at himself that he replied to Katsuki’s text, Otabek was still intrigued as to why Yuuri had asked him that to begin with.

 **Yuuri Katsuki:** _Did something happen between you two? He hasn’t talked to anyone since he got back._

On the one hand, it was obvious that Yuri didn’t necessarily want anyone to know that he had broken up with Otabek if he hadn’t told anyone about it. On the other hand, Otabek found that he desperately wanted to tell someone other than his own friends what was going on. Yuri didn’t talk about his private life that much anyway, so chances were that it was normal behaviour for him and not him trying to keep things from anyone on purpose.

 **Otabek:** _He ended things between us._

It was as simple as it sounded, in theory at least, but the text hopefully told Katsuki everything he needed to know. He would figure out the rest. Otabek didn’t expect a reply and he didn’t get one either.

Otabek had barely realised how time had flown by when the apartment door opened and Maxim came walking in, holding a tray in his hands. His phone long forgotten on the coffee table, Otabek glanced over at his friend but ignored him otherwise, keeping his mouth shut.

“Asel was here,” he said. “Did she knock?”

Of course she did, and Otabek was certain that Maxim knew that just as much as he did, which was why he stayed silent, not bothering to reward a question as stupid as that with a reply.

Otabek watched as Maxim got two plates out of the cabinet. He took the aluminium foil off the tray and cut whatever it was in pieces before he put a piece on each of the plates. Maxim grabbed some forks out of the drawer, put the kettle on and then made his way over to the couch where Otabek sat. He passed one of the plates over to him and reached out for the television remote, turning up the volume on whatever was currently showing.

“Cherry pie,” he said and shoved a big piece of the pie into his mouth, grinning widely.

**_Thursday, 2 nd February, St. Petersburg, 7.12pm_ **

It had been five hours since Yuuri found out about what had happened between Yuri and Otabek. For the past five hours he had also had plenty of chances to tell Victor about it or talk to Yuri directly, but he hadn’t because he didn’t know what to really say to either of them.

Victor would undoubtedly rub it into his face, saying that he had been right all along, that Yuri and Otabek getting together was a mistake from the very beginning. Yuuri knew that Victor had no issues with them being best friends, but he hadn’t exactly been thrilled to hear that they had crossed that line, or that they had already slept together for that matter. Victor was looking out for Yuri, and Yuuri could understand why he had been so vary about everything. Unlike Victor though, Yuuri thought Otabek was a great influence on Yuri, as his best friend or his boyfriend. It made no difference to him. From what he could tell, they were good for each other and it had made him more upset to hear that their relationship, and most likely their friendship, was over than he would’ve ever expected.

He wanted to talk to Yuri about it, find out why he did what he did, but he knew better than that. Yuri had been locking himself in his room since he had gotten back from Sheffield. He was either at the rink with him and Victor or hiding in his room, only coming out to get a drink or something to eat, but he hadn’t really talked to anyone. He didn’t even give Yakov any grief and _that_ was already bad enough. Yuuri didn’t really want to poke around in any open wounds.

There was music blasting from Yuri’s room ever since they had gotten home. The same four songs over and over again in an endless loop. Yuuri started to think that even he knew the lyrics to each one of them by now. Victor had stayed at the rink to talk to Yakov when him and Yuri had left, promising that he would bring home dinner afterwards.

Yuuri was in the middle of making himself some tea when he heard keys in the front door. He dropped everything and rushed over there. Victor was about to hang his coat on the rack when Yuuri came to a stop in front of him.

“Yurio broke up with Otabek.” It came bubbling out of him at a speed he was surprised by himself, just as much as Victor if he read his facial expression correctly.

Victor seemed to think about what he had said for a moment, before his lips merged into one single thin line and his eyebrows furrowed close together. He picked up the bag of food, sushi from the looks of it, and walked past Yuuri without any comment whatsoever.

“You have nothing to say about that?” Yuuri asked mainly because he couldn’t help himself, not because he really wanted an answer from his fiancé. He already knew what he was going to say.

Putting the food down on the kitchen counter, Victor slowly turned around to him, bracing his hands on the counter as well and leaning back.

“I hate to say it but I told you so, Yuuri.”

There it was. Exactly what Yuuri had expected to hear. He rolled his eyes in annoyance. This was not the time to argue over who was right or wrong.

“Yes, you did,” Yuuri said, “and I still think you’re wrong, but that’s not the point.” Victor was about to say something else then when Yuuri cut him off. “I don’t care what you think about Otabek. He cares about Yurio and Yurio _loves_ him.”

“Does he?” Victor asked, one eyebrow raised and for the first time ever Yuuri wanted to yell at his fiancé, because Victor knew as well as he did that it was true. Both of those things.

“Yes,” Yuuri bit back, “he does.”

Victor turned away from him, unpacking the food but Yuuri wasn’t done. This discussion was far from over.

“Where is this immense dislike for Otabek coming from? You used to speak fondly of him,” Yuuri asked, seriously wondering why Victor was being so sour about the Kazakh.

Victor sighed deeply, but when he faced Yuuri now his face wasn’t as stern and angry as before.

“It’s not that I don’t like Otabek,” Victor began to explain. “It’s just that I knew Yurio would get hurt. He is the one I’m worried about here, not Otabek.”

“They are a package deal, Victor,” Yuuri shot back. “Don’t you understand that?”

Victor stepped closer to him, smiling of all things. Yuuri hated it.

“Yuuri, darling,” Victor said, “ _we_ are a package deal. Yurio and Otabek are not.”

“Yes, they are! How can you not see that?” Victor was infuriating him. “I don’t know if they have actually said it to each other yet, but they love each other just as much as we do.”

Yuuri was ready to explode when Victor let out a disapproving puff of air. It wasn’t often that Yuuri felt himself getting this annoyed and frustrated, especially not towards his fiancé, but Victor was currently pushing all of his red buttons.

“No one loves each other as much as we do,” Victor had the audacity to say. He was about to put his hands on Yuuri’s hips, when Yuuri pulled away and stepped back out of his reach.

“You want to place blame, don’t you?” Yuuri asked a dumbfounded Victor. “It’s easy to put this all on Otabek. I get it. He’s thousands of miles away, he doesn’t live with us and there’s not as much history between him and you as there is with Yurio. It’s not that simple though. I care about Yurio too. I would do anything for him, but I would also bet all of my medals and all of _your_ medals that this mess is on him and not on Otabek.”

Yuuri waited a moment to see if Victor would say anything in return. Victor’s lips parted but no words left them.

“I get that you want to protect him but he’s not the 15-year old kid anymore that you left behind when you went to Japan. He doesn’t need protection. He needs a shoulder to cry on when he’s scared or unsure, someone who’s willing to nudge him in the right direction, someone who’s there for him no matter what.”

Victor was obviously still too surprised by Yuuri’s sudden lecture that he seemingly lost his ability to speak, but he did point a finger between the two of them, wordlessly asking if Yuuri was talking about the two of them being the people to show Yuri the way.

“No, you idiot,” Yuuri barked out and Victor’s eyes immediately grew wide. “Otabek!”

It only took a second for Yuuri to feel bad to lash out at Victor the way he did. He was frustrated that Victor couldn’t, or just didn’t want to see what he saw when it came to Yuri.

Yuuri sighed and closed the gap between him and Victor again, reaching out for the older man and putting his hands on the sides of his face.

“Why are you so against them being together?” Yuuri asked quietly, forcing his voice to calm down.

“I’m not,” Victor replied. “I just worry about Yurio.”

Victor suddenly looked sad, or perhaps a little lost. Yuuri realised that his fiancé’s urge to protect Yuri ran a lot deeper than he initially thought.

“I know that,” Yuuri said lovingly, “but you can’t protect him forever. He needs to make his own mistakes. All we can do is be there for him when he does.”

Yuuri leaned upwards, standing on his toes, and pressed his lips to Victor’s, hopefully comforting him at least a little. Victor had never been great at talking about his own feelings, no matter what they were in regards to. In that way he was very similar to Yuri.

When they pulled apart again, Victor rested his forehead against Yuuri’s, breathing in deeply.

“What do we do now?” he asked, his voice small and uncertain.

“For now we wait and hope that Yurio figures it out on his own,” was all Yuuri said in response, knowing full well that they would have to intervene eventually.

**_Friday, 3 rd February, Almaty, 6.22pm_ **

Of course Maxim was back at Otabek’s apartment. It was strange how used Otabek had gotten to it over the week. He almost didn’t want him to leave anymore. They didn’t talk much, not at all on some days, and Otabek knew Maxim was waiting for him to initiate a conversation, but he had no intention of doing so. Maxim would want to discuss Yuri and that was the last thing Otabek was interested in.

He had completely ignored his other friends trying to get in touch. There was no point to it and Otabek just wanted to be left alone. Maxim was the only exception.

They had settled on the couch, another bowl of pasta (with green pesto this time) in their hands when Otabek heard someone storm into the apartment. One questioning look at Maxim and Otabek saw the smug smirk on his friend’s face, very much indicating that he knew what was going on.

“Get up,” Alisur firmly said when he walked into the living room. He came to a halt right on front of Otabek, towering over him dangerously.

Alisur had about two inches on him in height but since Otabek was sitting down, his friend looked even more intimidating.

“What?” Otabek croaked out, very confused by what was happening.

“Get a move on,” Alisur said before he grabbed Otabek by the arm and almost hauled him up and away.

Otabek had no clue whatsoever what Alisur’s aim was but he let it happen anyway. He had no energy in him to fight whatever it was Alisur wanted him to do. Somehow they ended up in his guest bedroom and the taller man pushed him down on his piano bench. Otabek watched him as he grabbed some pieces of paper and a pen from the mixing desk and put it all in front of him, ultimately pressing a few piano keys down with the weight of everything.

“Write,” Alisur simply said, but Otabek still didn’t really understand what exactly he wanted from him. “You keep ignoring all our messages and our calls. You don’t talk to Max and you’ve not been to practice all week. Fair enough. Don’t talk, don’t practice. Just write.”

Otabek was more than just a little taken aback. Alisur sat down in the desk chair next to him and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together. His gaze was making Otabek a lot more uncomfortable than he was ready to admit.

“I know you’ve been playing around with a composition we came up with years ago. Temir told me about it,” Alisur explained. “Take that song and tune it down or tune it up. I don’t care but do something.”

“I can’t,” Otabek heard himself whisper before he even knew what he was doing.

“Do I look like I care, Beka?” Alisur asked in return. “You can’t keep all that shit inside you. It’s going to eat you alive and we won’t allow that. You only have two options: Get over yourself and talk to us or write it all down. Your choice.”

Alisur got up and walked away. All Otabek could do was look after him.

He had just turned his eyes away when Alisur suddenly spoke up again. He stood by the door but his attention was focussed on Otabek.

“We’re recording whatever you come up with, so make it something worthwhile.”

That was all Alisur said to him before he finally left Otabek alone with his own thoughts.

**_Saturday, 4 th February, St. Petersburg, 3.13pm_ **

Victor and Katsudon were out and Yuri had hoped that he would have the apartment to himself for a little while, but he had no such luck because Mila had other plans.

She had come over without an invitation and she had pushed herself through the door and past Yuri without him having even the slightest of chances to keep her from doing so. They were sprawled across the biggest sofa in the living room, half drunken mugs of tea and plates full of cookie crumbs sitting idle on the coffee table in front of them.

“I have a question for you,” Mila eventually said. They hadn’t talked all afternoon, but Yuri instinctively knew he would tell her whatever she wanted to know.

He hadn’t told anyone that he broke up with Otabek, and he didn’t know if Otabek had told anyone either, so Mila could be wondering a million different things as far as Yuri knew.

“Do you want to press charges against the guy from the club?” Mila asked him directly.

Yuri had expected her to breach a lot of different topics. This wasn’t one of them.

“No,” he almost immediately replied without having to think about it, because he had thought about it practically on a daily basis since the incident happened.

“Why not?” Mila wanted to know.

Yuri could understand why she seemed so shocked at his admission, but it didn’t change his mind. He had made his decision about this a long time ago and there was nothing that could make him reconsider it.

“I just want to forget, ok?” he said, his voice lacking the usual bite to it.

Mila, of course, wasn’t satisfied with his answer. “And pressing charges would keep you from doing that?”

“Yes,” Yuri responded without missing a beat. “I don’t want to see this asshole ever again.”

The look Mila gave him then sent a shudder down Yuri’s spine. She knew him too well to buy any of his lame excuses, but Yuri couldn’t help himself. He made them anyway. Sometimes they even had a bit of truth in them.

“You wouldn’t have to testify, Yuri,” she said, “there’s tons of CCTV. They don’t need our statement. There’s enough proof on video.”

Yuri knew all that already. He was aware that Victor was acquainted with the owner of the club and that the entire incident had been caught on camera, but somehow that made him feel worse, not better.

“I don’t fucking care, Mila,” he spat out. “You do whatever the fuck you want to do.”

“Yuri, come on,” she tried again. “Don’t you want to see this guy punished for what he did to you?”

Yes, he did. Yuri really _really_ did want to see that guy pay for what he did, for the hell he put him through and for what he made him do, because all the shit that went down with Otabek was on that guy. Yuri hated him with every fibre of his body.

“It wouldn’t change anything, baba,” Yuri said. “Pressing charges won’t turn back time, it won’t erase the memory of his hand down my jeans or his breath on my neck, it won’t make me feel any less disgusted with my own body than I already am, and it damn sure won’t fix anything with Beka. There is just no point in doing it.”

Yuri had no chance to think about what he had just said when he noticed Mila giving him an irritated look. One of her eyebrows was raised and her head was tilted to the side.

“What is going on with Otabek?” she asked, the tone of her voice calm, yet pressing.

It was evident that Yuri had made a mistake. He wasn’t planning on talking about Otabek because talking about the one person that meant the fucking world to him was painful, so so painful.

“Nothing,” he replied, focusing his attention back on the television, but of course Mila wouldn’t drop it that quickly.

“Yuri fucking Plisetsky,” she said, inching closer to him, “what did you do?”

Letting out an annoyed sigh, Yuri realised that there was no way out of this now. He could get up and run to his room, but the chances that Mila would stop him before he could even reach his room were fairly high.

“I told him I can’t be his boyfriend,” Yuri confessed. It was the first time he used the word boyfriend in connection with Otabek when he spoke to someone about all of this. It was scary, especially because Otabek wasn’t actually his boyfriend anymore.

“What the fuck, Yuri? Why?” Mila was outraged. It was more than obvious, and surprisingly Yuri didn’t even have a hard time understanding her.

Yuri sighed again and let his shoulders hang while his head fell forward, away from her.

“He deserves better than me,” Yuri whispered quietly, but Mila was so close to him that he was sure she still heard him.

Much to his surprise Mila darted forward and wrapped her arms around him, squeezing tight. “You’re a moron, Yuri,” she said right into his ear.

When she let go of him, she stayed close, her hands holding on to Yuri’s shoulders. “Otabek is crazy about you. He wouldn’t have dropped everything for just anyone and shown up at your door when you needed him.”

Yuri had thought about that before, but every time he did, every time he thought about Otabek flying to St. Petersburg to babysit him, missing practice because of him, he just wanted to curl up on his bed and hide from the world. He felt guilty for having kept Otabek from the ice.

“I’m not good enough for him,” he said instead of explaining all of this to Mila. He didn’t expect the small outburst from the redhead that followed.

“That’s not your call to make, Yuri,” she was close to shouting. “You don’t get to decide how he feels about you. It’s not your place to make that decision for him.”

Yuri heard what she said but none of it sank in. The overwhelming conviction that Otabek deserved heaven, when he was hell, was too strong to deter him in any other direction. He missed Otabek beyond what he ever thought possible and he hated himself for what he did to him, but none of that mattered. Yuri had somehow managed to convince himself that Otabek was better off without him.

“Do you love him?” Mila then asked when Yuri stayed quiet. All he managed in response was a pathetic nod. Lying about this would make it all feel like there had never been anything between him and Otabek in the first place, and despite everything that had happened, despite everything that Yuri had done, he didn’t want to pretend that his love for Otabek wasn’t real because it was.

“Then do something about it, Yuri.”

Again, he heard her, loud and clear, but that was all.

**_Sunday, 5 th February, Almaty, 5.10pm_ **

Even after Alisur had practically forced Otabek to get off his ass and do something, even something as _simple_ as writing a song, all his other friends wouldn’t leave him alone. He had reached a point where he didn’t even want Maxim around anymore.

Admittedly, writing that song helped. It had lifted some of the tension off of his shoulders but in turn made his heart ache even more. Alisur hadn’t been back and he hadn’t asked Otabek for the lyrics yet either, but he knew it was only a matter of time before he would, and Otabek wasn’t sure if he was ready to share them yet. He had put words to feelings he still didn’t exactly know how to describe, he had put words on paper that he hadn’t said out loud yet, ever.

Despite wanting to spend his time on his own, he forced his tired body to move and answer the door when he heard someone knocking. Otabek wasn’t sure why but something about this knock was different. Asel’s had been furious and insistent, Meiz and Temir’s had been loud and relentless, and Ezra still hadn’t dared to show up, and honestly, Otabek didn’t know how he will react when he did.

There was something about the sounds coming from the door now though that told Otabek that it wasn’t Ezra on the other side of it, and Maxim would just use his keys. The knock was familiar in a way Otabek never really thought it could be. It felt like he had heard it before but not in a very long time.

He paused when his hand reached the door handle only to push it down and pull the door open a moment later. The two people he found standing in front of him and staring at him then were certainly not the ones who he would’ve ever expected to show up at his doorstep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, any idea who paid Otabek a visit??
> 
> A few other things... I decided against Victuuri smut in this story (there might be some in the next story) but there will be more Victuuri scenes in general. Also, for the sake of this story, there are no national competitions as you have probably already figured out. And finally, there's been lots of discussions about Otabek's age on tumblr and apparently Kubo herself confirmed that he's 18 and not 19, so only 2 years and 4 months and not 3 years and 4 months older than Yuri. However, I've been operating under the assumption that he's 19 in the last episode and I will keep it that way because otherwise it would mess with the entire timeline I came up with for past events. Right now in this story (as of February 5th) Otabek is 23 and Yuri is 19, turning 20 soon. 
> 
> That's it for now. There might be another chapter before the week is over... Have a great weekend, everyone!


	11. You're in My Heart Now and there's No Escaping it for You.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people just know how to deal with Otabek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short (3333 words to be exact) and consists of one single scene. I planned for a much longer chapter and certainly more scenes, but when I wrote this I felt like it needed to stand on its own. I hope you'll realise why I decided to go down this path once you've read it.

**_Sunday, 5 th February, Almaty, 5.11pm_ **

It wasn’t just simply surprise seeing those two pairs of dark brown eyes, that perfectly matched his own, staring back at him, it was shock. Otabek hadn’t seen his siblings in over a year.

“What are you doing here?” he asked a bit perplexed, because he really hadn’t expected to see either one of them just randomly show up at his doorstep.

“Move,” Otabek’s sister Darja simply said, pushing him to the side by his shoulder.

She walked past him in a way that would make people think she was coming by at least once a week, acting more like she was actually living there herself rather than just visiting. Her long and wavy black hair was slightly flowing in the wind she created herself by forcefully making her way into the apartment. Otabek was left standing by the door, completely irritated, looking after her as she disappeared into the living room.

Then suddenly Otabek remembered there was someone else waiting behind him, when his brother Miras cleared his throat in an attempt to get his attention. Otabek spun around on his heels a little too fast, almost losing his balance when he focused in on Miras’ sparkling brown eyes.

“What the…?” Otabek began, but he wasn’t sure what he really wanted to say.

“It’s good to see you too, Otabek,” Miras said and smiled as he also walked past him into the apartment as well.

Otabek had apparently lost his ability to talk, but he realised that he had approximately fifty questions or so. Mainly why on earth his siblings were in Almaty and even more importantly, why they were in his apartment?

Somehow, Otabek honestly couldn’t tell how, he ended up in his living room watching his brother mess about in the kitchen (probably making tea) and his sister sitting on the couch staring at him.

“Sit,” Darja said, petting the place next to her, indicating for Otabek to have a seat.

The entire situation was so absurd that Otabek just did as he was asked. His siblings had been over at his place maybe twice since he had moved in over four years prior.

Even so, he could honestly say that he was close to both of them. They regularly talked on the phone or skyped or even just shot a quick text asking how the other was doing. It was difficult to see each other though as Miras lived in Astana and Darja had moved to Shymkent a decade ago. The only time Otabek got to see his siblings was at family events, and sometimes not even then if he was out of the country for competitions. The age gap between them and him also didn’t make things any easier, but they had found a way that worked for all of them because they all put in the effort. Otabek was the youngest, the unplanned one that no one had expected after Darja had been born. Their parents had said their family was complete with her, if Otabek could believe the stories he had been told. They had one of each, one boy, one girl, which was all they had ever asked for. Miras and Darja were exactly one year and one day apart, Otabek came into the picture over six years after Darja. He had been the surprise no one had ever anticipated.

Once Otabek was sitting next to his sister on the sofa, she just stared at him, studying his face and ultimately making him really uncomfortable.

“What are you guys doing here?” he eventually asked neither one of them specifically, because he didn’t care who would answer his question as long as _someone_ did.

“Max called me,” Miras said from the kitchen, before Darja followed with, “and Temir texted me.”

“What? Why?” Otabek couldn’t help but ask. He didn’t understand anything. None of this made sense.

He watched as Miras poured boiling water into three mugs, trying his best to avoid Darja’s questioning gaze lingering on his face.

“Tell us about Yuri,” she then said, when Miras came over and placed a mug each in front of them, honey and milk also waiting for them on the coffee table.

Miras quietly sat down on Otabek’s other side. He wasn’t one who talked much in general, but he did show up and that actually said more about him than any words ever could.

“No,” Otabek said firmly though. He understood now why they were there, but that certainly didn’t necessarily mean that he was going to participate in their little rescue mission.

“Yes,” Darja only said in response, pushing him.

She was the kind of person who could ask people anything from watering her plants while she was away to postponing a wedding because she, as the bridesmaid, already had other plans, and everyone would bend over backwards to accommodate her wishes. There was something about her that drew people in, made them do whatever she wanted, and they would enjoy doing it.

Darja usually didn’t use her ‘powers’ for evil when it came to her siblings, but apparently this time she made an exception, and Otabek hated every second of it.

“He is a friend… or was a friend,” Otabek couldn’t help but tell her, “I don’t know anymore.”

“A friend, huh?” she asked in return with one eyebrow raised that clearly told Otabek that she already knew everything there was to know about Yuri. Why did she ask about him in the first place then? She was a lot of things, but not someone who normally danced around a subject.

“We were together, ok? Or so I thought anyway,” Otabek explained before he could stop the words stumbling out of his mouth. What was he doing?

He was vaguely aware of Miras on his left, casually sipping his tea and listening to their conversation, that was ultimately pretty one-sided when Otabek unconsciously decided to tell his siblings everything.

They knew who Yuri was (Darja liked to call him “the little Russian kid with the big mouth and no manners” and Otabek had never dared to disagree with her). They had even met him once before a couple of years ago, but Otabek told them every little thing about his friendship and very short relationship with Yuri. Everything from the moment Otabek had first laid eyes on Yuri at Yakov’s summer camp to the time Yuri had called him an asshole when they met again in Barcelona five years later, how Yuri had purposefully changed his jumps for his free skate three years ago at a competition because he wanted to see Otabek win the gold medal (which pissed Yakov, and Otabek, off to no end), and the day Otabek had helped Yuri move his stuff from Lilia’s into Victor and Yuuri’s apartment during the off-season (and how he had suffered through, and secretly enjoyed, the endless bellowing Yuri had done because of it). Otabek told them about Yuri’s 18th birthday party in Japan when Otabek had flown out there to surprise him and how they had ended up in the same bed, cuddled up to each other, and how they had both brushed it aside as perfectly normal the next morning (while both of them were completely oblivious to the already blossoming feelings they had for each other). He told Darja and Miras that he had dropped everything for Yuri and flown out to Moscow when Nikolai had passed away a year ago, that Yuri had finally met his friends shortly afterwards and that Temir had gotten him drunk. Otabek even confessed to them that Yuri had had a dream about them and had ultimately freaked out about it in Vancouver, and how Otabek had followed him to the cat café, how Yuri had clearly tried to show Otabek how he felt on New Year’s without actually telling him, and how Otabek had eventually dismissed his fears of ruining his friendship with Yuri, because he had realised that the blonde was simply so much more than just a friend to him.

All of those things were cherished memories, some sad, some happy, some funny, others just something to look back on and smile about. Otabek wouldn’t change anything about them because regardless of their nature, they were all memories he shared with Yuri.

He had no idea how long he had been talking, but neither one of his siblings had interrupted him, not once. They just sat there next to him and listened intently.

Otabek’s throat suddenly went completely dry when his mind recalled the most recent memories of Yuri’s assault and everything that fell apart because of it. Thinking about how Katsuki had called Otabek in the middle of the night, how he had told him what living hell Yuri had been put through and how Otabek had once again dropped everything to rush to Yuri’s side, felt like every single scratch Ginger had ever inflicted upon him, all of them slicing his tender skin at the same time. Worst of all, those scratches ached and he constantly returned to them because they were too itchy to stay away from, much like Yuri himself which made their break-up just so much more unbearable. Otabek couldn’t move on, he didn’t _want_ to move on.

There was an awkward silence in the room once Otabek had finished his seemingly endless story of how Yuri and him had become best friends and eventual boyfriends. Otabek himself wasn’t aware of that silence whatsoever. He was drowning in his memories, dangerously close to being suffocated by them.

“So,” Darja eventually said, sipping her tea casually like she was going to tell him what the weather was like back in Shymkent, “you’ve missed practice for an entire week just before Four Continents because this brat broke up with you?”

The words barely registered with Otabek. His brain had a hard time deciding how to feel about what she had said. Darja had never let on that she didn’t like Yuri or disapproved of him. Why was she calling him names? Otabek didn’t have a chance to figure out an answer since Darja obviously wasn’t even finished.

“I swear to God, Otabek. If you miss any more practice because of this little kid, I will personally kick your ass to the rink,” she said, before she put her now empty mug down on the coffee table. “He treated you like a piece of rubbish. Why did you let him do that to you? You are better than that and…”

It was too much. Otabek had to cut her off. “Stop, Darja. Just… stop,” he almost pleaded with her, but she went on.

“Yuri took advantage of you and you were stupid enough to play along,” she accused him. “Did you drink yourself into oblivion with that disgusting peach schnapps you like so much or did Yuri coax you into this whole relationship? Did he make you think it was a good idea?”

Otabek cringed at the way she used the word _relationship_. It sounded like she thought it hadn’t been real, it hadn’t been an actual relationship Otabek and Yuri had been in. It felt like she thought it had all just been a sham.

Darja still wasn’t finished. “Let me guess,” she said, “you already slept with him as well, didn’t you?”

For some odd reason Otabek knew she would say something like that. He wanted to run and hide somewhere where no one would ever find him. He didn’t reward that incredibly intimate question with a response.

“Of course you did,” Darja eventually said sighing, taking Otabek’s silence as an affirmative answer. “What is your problem, Otabek?” she suddenly asked with her voice slightly raised, and Otabek couldn’t help but feel like the younger sibling he was, still the 10-year old kid while his brother and sister were already almost adults. “Since when do you let anyone push you around, especially someone as childish and brash as Yuri? Face it, you were nothing but a shoulder to cry on, someone to warm his bed when he felt lonely. That’s all this was…”

“Shut up!” Otabek suddenly burst out, getting up from the couch. He was surprised at himself because he had never been this rude to his sister, but this was different. “Don’t talk about him like that!”

Darja was still sitting on the sofa, her legs crossed and her hands rested on her knee. She looked up at him with a glint in her eyes and one corner of her mouth lifted that easily told him that she wasn’t impressed, or affected, by his outburst at all.

“Why?” she asked. “I’m right and you know it. Yuri used you and worst of all, you let him. You allowed yourself to be treated like you’re nothing, just someone to play with. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. This is all on you, so man up and get over it.”

Otabek noticed how his chest was getting tighter with every word that passed Darja’s lips. He couldn’t understand how she could say all these things so calmly. She was his sister, she was supposed to make him feel better, not worse.

“Get over it? Get _over_ it? Seriously?” He could barely hold himself back anymore. “I can’t get over it, Darja. Yuri did not use me and he did not take advantage of me. I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do and I wouldn’t change a single thing even if I could,” he said, slowly but surely talking himself into a rant. “You don’t know Yuri. You don’t know him like I do, no one does. I did sleep with him because I _love_ him, not because he somehow tricked me into it. I’ve loved him for years, and yes, in this case I _was_ stupid because I didn’t realise it for so long, but now I do and it’s not something I can just get over. I love him and I know, I just know that he loves me too, no matter what his last text messages said. He ended things because he’s afraid, not because he doesn’t care about me. I truly believe that. I _need_ to believe that. He cares more about me than about himself, he always has. You may not see it, but he’s the most selfless person I have ever met. He would do anything for me just as much as I would do anything for him. There are not many people who get the privilege to really get to know him, a chance to see behind all of his tough exterior, but I did. Yuri is the first person to fight anyone who dares to insult the people he loves. He flinches when people touch him, but he relaxes when I stroke his hair. He loves his friends, even when he yells at them, and he misses his grandfather, the first person who ever showed him what it feels like to be loved. He still has years of skating ahead of him but he’s already scared of what his life will be like after he retired, because it’s all he has ever known. He admires Victor and Yuuri and even though he would never admit it to anyone, he strives to be like them and he desperately wants them to finally get married and have kids, because he wants to spoil his adopted nieces and nephews rotten just to piss Victor and Yuuri off. He’s ticklish behind his right ear and he has five tiny moles on the small of his back that are shaped like a half-moon. He secretly loves cheesy rom-coms and he’s obsessed with strawberry ice cream. He hates the taste of ginger and the texture of mushrooms, and he doesn’t actually like dogs but never told anyone about that because he knew that Makkachin was as important to Victor as Potya is to him. He worsened one of his programs because he wanted to see me win gold, Darja. The media doesn’t know these sides of him. They just paint that icy cold picture of him because that’s how they _want_ to see him, not because that’s how he really is. He’s not the person you think he is. Yuri is so much more than you could ever imagine and I love him for all of it, the good and the bad, because it’s him… It’s just him.”

The second Otabek had finished his rant, tears were finally rolling down his cheeks. He had been holding all of this in for so long, even before Yuri’s assault, before New Year’s, before Vancouver. Otabek had supressed most of these things for years. Everytime someone huffed at Yuri, shot him a disapproving glance, said something negative or offensive about him, everytime people judged Yuri without even knowing him, Otabek wanted to scream and shout, and open people’s eyes to who Yuri really was.

He brushed away his tears with the sleeve of his shirt, and looked down at his sister, who still hadn’t moved an inch. Darja had a knowing and, strangely enough, pleased smirk on her face that only stirred confusion inside Otabek. Turning around to look at Miras, he found his brother’s lips curled up in a similar way.

“What?” Otabek eventually choked out, asking neither one of them specifically.

“Sit,” Darja said again, and Otabek did. He forced himself to calm down by watching Ginger who was walking into the living room just then. Miras picked her up from the floor and cuddled her in his lap, which she happily let him do.

“Have you ever said any of these things out loud?” Darja asked Otabek then, pulling him back to the present.

“No,” he answered honestly, “I haven’t.”

Darja smiled at him as she lifted her hand and caressed his cheek, and Otabek suddenly realised that her eyes were shining, like they were as wet as his own. That was the moment it all suddenly fell into place for him. Everything Darja had said had served only one purpose, it was supposed to make Otabek mad, to get him to finally admit how he really felt. She wanted to push his buttons and she succeeded.

“If you really love him, and I think you do,” she said, “then you need to fight for him. Don’t let Yuri make the biggest mistake of his life by isolating himself. Show him what he’s worth and most importantly, make sure he realises _your_ worth.”

Otabek couldn’t remember a time in his life where he had felt equally as vulnerable and relieved as he did right now. He had known he loved Yuri for a while now, but he had never actually said those words out loud. Now that he had, he wanted to let everyone know, especially Yuri, but there was something else he desperately wanted to do. Hug his sister.

Darja seemed a bit surprised when Otabek flung his arms around her, but she quickly relaxed into it. She hugged him tight and petted his hair, much like their mother used to do when he was little. Otabek wasn’t used to showing so much emotion around anyone other than Yuri. Both of his siblings, each in their own way, just had a way of manipulating him that made him confide in them and actually be happy about doing so in the end.

When Otabek let go of his sister, he looked over to Miras who was still petting Ginger.

“What she said,” Miras mumbled, winking at Otabek, before they all burst out into heartfelt laughter.

It seemed like a massive weight was finally lifted off Otabek’s shoulders. He knew that this conversation hadn’t actually changed anything about his situation with Yuri, but now that he had finally admitted to someone else other than himself that he really was in love with Yuri, he was determined to not just give up on him. If anything, Otabek wanted to be with Yuri more than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say hello to Otabek's siblings, Miras (30) and Darja (29)! I know lots of people in the fandom are big fans of Otabek having a younger sister, but as you can see here I'm weak for Otabek himself being the youngest sibling. I have an older brother and I love being the younger one because it always gives me a sense of security (if you know what I mean), and I wanted Otabek to feel that as well. 
> 
> More to come next week... :)


	12. Let Loose and Set Your Body Free.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otabek may have found a new spark of determination thanks to his siblings, but Yuri still has to fall a little deeper before he can get back up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a little midnight treat for you all... :)

**_Monday, 6 th February, Almaty, 8.44am_ **

Otabek was pretty certain that if it weren’t for his siblings, and ultimately Maxim and Temir as well, that he would still be curled up on his couch or in his bed pouting and feeling sorry for himself. Now he was back at the rink and he was surprised at how good that actually felt. His coach thankfully pretended like Otabek hadn’t actually wasted an entire week of practice just before Four Continents, and didn’t treat him any differently.

It did feel good to be back but his muscles were certainly punishing him for not moving for nine days. Walking from the living room to his bathroom and to his bedroom in an endless circle didn’t count as exercise, and he felt that now. Otabek’s warm-up took a little longer than usual but his coach still didn’t say anything about it. He just went on with it and hoped that his body would adapt to his regular daily routine again quickly.

His mind started to wander as Otabek repeated every bit of his warm-up at least three times.

Miras had made dinner for him the previous night, so Otabek’s siblings had stayed over to eat and chat with him for a little longer after Darja had tricked Otabek into confessing his feelings. He still wasn’t sure how she really managed to do that because Otabek really wasn’t that open with his emotions around anyone besides Yuri. Thinking about it now though, he realised that he clearly failed to be honest with Yuri about his true feelings, which was something Otabek deeply regretted. He had come to convince himself that Yuri would’ve never broken up with him, if he had just told him how he really felt. In some way, this was all his fault. Being there for Yuri was one thing, but perhaps the blonde actually needed to hear Otabek _say_ how he felt. Maybe Yuri needed to hear all those things Otabek had told his siblings the previous night, all those little things he had noticed over the years that he always thought weren’t that special, but in reality they were. Otabek knew more about Yuri than he ever consciously acknowledged, but Yuri didn’t know that because he had never had the guts to tell him any of it. 

Plans were starting to form in his head about how he could make Yuri understand that he did indeed love him and that he refused to be without him.

**_Monday, 6 th February, Almaty, 7.20pm_ **

Otabek’s entire body was aching immensely, but even before he had left the rink he had thought about what he would do when he got home. He knew he had to speak to Maxim. There were a ton of things he should say to him, but speaking from experience, Otabek was aware that whatever he would say to his friend, Maxim most likely already knew it all, so he kept it simple.

 **Otabek:** _You’re not coming over tonight?_

 **Max:** _Did you talk to Miras and Darja?_

 **Otabek:** _Yes._

 **Max:** _Then you’re just fine on your own. ;)_

 **Otabek:** _Thanks for that by the way._

 **Max:** _Anytime!_

Smiling at his phone, and once again feeling incredibly grateful to have amazing friends like Maxim, Otabek put it down and made his way into his guest bedroom. He sat down on his piano bench and grabbed the piece of paper that he had scribbled the lyrics for the song on that Alisur had asked him to write. Looking at it now, Otabek cringed when he read over them. They didn’t feel right anymore, not after his semi-public declaration from the previous night. The song wasn’t great in its current state. It wasn’t accurate and didn’t reflect what he really wanted to say. He reached over to his desk, snatched a blue pen and finally started to scratch out and rewrite almost every line of the song, changing it to something he was eventually pleased with and happy about.

**_Tuesday, 7 th February, St. Petersburg, 8.06pm_ **

There was absolutely no point in denying it – Yuri had a very hard time without Otabek. Twenty-four days had passed since Yuri had last seen his now ex-boyfriend and it was slowly but surely killing him. Not a single day had gone by since, that Yuri hadn’t cried at least once, mostly at night when he was alone in his bedroom, cuddled up either to Potya or to Otabek’s teddy bear. 

It was this specific teddy bear he was holding in his hands now. Yuri was kneeling on the floor next to his bed, sitting back on his heels with a black empty storage box in front of him and a variety of different objects scattered around him. Potya was looking at him from where she had made herself comfortable on Yuri’s pillow on his bed, observing his every move. She had inspected the empty box when Yuri had brought it into his room but she had lost interest fairly quickly, now seemingly more intrigued by what the blonde was actually going to do with it.

Yuri hadn’t even had the teddy bear in his possession for that long, only since last summer, and he remembered the day he had opened the package from Otabek while he was visiting Katsudon’s family in Japan with Victor and Yuuri. For a long time the teddy bear had been the only guarantee Yuri had that he would actually get some sleep at night. After his grandfather had passed away, sleep was more of an illusion than anything else. The time he had spent in Almaty shortly afterwards had helped immensely, being _around Otabek_ had helped immensely, but when he had left Kazakhstan again, Yuri had encountered trouble falling asleep. The teddy bear had calmed him down, and still did, because it always made him feel safe and loved. It was the next best thing to having Otabek sleep in the room next to him (which was the case in Almaty when he had visited during the last off-season).

Now Yuri was about to give up that one thing that guaranteed him a restful night. He sighed deeply and put the teddy bear in the box.

There were so many more things lying around him from the Kazakhstan team t-shirt Otabek had send him along with the teddy bear, to a lion keychain Otabek had bought him on a whim while they were in China a few years back for a competition and a bunch of polaroid pictures Phichit had taken of Yuri and Otabek at Yuri’s 18th birthday party. There was an old phone case Yuri used to love (leopard print of course) until Otabek had gotten him a new one with a tiger and a bear on it, simply because it had reminded him of them so much. There were movie stubs from when they went to the cinema on their days or evenings off during competitions (even though they never paid attention to the movies), an old pair of red headphones that Yuri had never thrown away (although it was broken) because just looking at it took him back to the day Otabek came to visit him in St. Petersburg for the very first time, when they were listening to music together at a café, the pair of sunglasses Yuri had worn during his gala skate in Barcelona where Otabek had joined him on the ice, printed out pictures that Otabek had taken of Yuri with Owl from the cat café in Vancouver, and a pair of old and ripped black fingerless gloves that Yuri had stolen from Otabek before they would have completely fallen apart, just so he could have a tiny part of Otabek at home with him.

Yuri put all of those things and a handful of others into the box, ready to close it and push it under his bed, when he remembered something else. He moved the box out of his way and crawled the short distance over to his nightstand. Leaning back against his bed, he opened the nightstand drawer and reached inside to find the picture frame he had been looking for. Yuri turned it over before he took it out so he couldn’t see the photo in it. He knew what that picture was and he didn’t want to see it.

Reluctantly Yuri put the frame on top of everything else in the box and put the lid on it. He knew that if he looked at the photo, he would lose the last bit of strength that was still holding him together. Just as quickly as he put the lid on the box, he removed it again and grabbed the picture frame once more.

The three happy faces smiling at each other hadn’t been aware of Victor taking the photo just before Christmas a couple of years ago. They hadn’t known that they had been caught in such a carefree and intimate moment. Yuri hadn’t worried about leaning into Otabek then, he hadn’t been concerned about the other man’s arm around his shoulders and he hadn’t registered the fond expression on Nikolai’s face when his eyes had rested on the two of them.

Looking at the photo now meant finally hitting rock bottom. Seeing it meant Yuri was finally falling too deep to get back up again on his own, it meant crushed bones, burning skin and a broken heart. It meant being forced to realise that he had really lost the two people he cared most about in this world without a way to get either one of them back. Yuri would never see his grandpa again, he would never feel his arms around him again. Yuri wouldn’t get another chance to breathe in the scent of the peach shampoo Otabek used or to lean into his touch as his fingers carefully thread through his hair. Just looking at that photo was punching the air out of Yuri’s lungs because he saw something in it he knew he would never have the opportunity to experience again.

He was full on sobbing by the time he had studied every last detail in the photo. Yuri had scanned _everything_ from the creases in Otabek’s leather jacket to the glint in his grandpa’s eyes and the smile on his own lips, just like he had done when Victor had first given him the picture.

Yuri didn’t register the door opening or Yuuri walking in. His eyes were too wet to focus on anything as he clutched the frame to his chest, crying and whining because it was all just too painful. Missing his grandpa and knowing he would never see him again hurt so much, but missing Otabek and knowing he _would_ see him again when he couldn’t be with him was pure torture.

When Yuuri’s arms had a steady hold on him, Yuri turned sideways and completely gave in. His entire body was shaking violently and his endless sobs scared him, but he couldn’t stop. He could feel one of Yuuri’s hands stroking his hair, desperately trying to calm him down. Yuri had lost all control over his thoughts, his emotions, and his body. There was nothing he could do. He had reached a point where he just couldn’t do anything but give up. His hands were holding on tightly to Yuuri’s shirt, squeezing the fabric so harshly that he probably left a few tiny holes in it.

It didn’t matter though, nothing did.

Yuri didn’t hear Victor come into his bedroom either, which must have been less than a minute after Yuuri had come in and sat down next to him on the floor, but it felt like a lifetime. His entire face as well as his hoodie, and Yuuri’s shirt, were soaking wet when Victor’s hands grabbed him under his arms and pulled him up from the floor, the picture frame sliding to the ground from between him and Yuuri.

He didn’t know what was actually happening. When his grandpa had died, a part of Yuri had died along with him, and now that he had lost Otabek, it felt like the other half inside him that had still been alive was gone as well. Yuri felt empty and hollow and weak, suddenly even breathing became an impossibly difficult task.

“Yuuri,” Victor said to his fiancé, “move.”

Victor glanced at the bed, indicating for Yuuri to get on it which he did, disturbing Potya in the process, forcing her to make room for all of them, because a second later Victor slowly lowered Yuri on top of the mattress as well. The small blonde immediately clung to Yuuri again while Victor laid down behind him so he was encircled by them both. Yuuri pulled him close and Victor petted his hair and stroked his arm.

“Breathe,” the taller Russian said calmly and close to his ear, but Yuri didn’t hear him. He couldn’t even comprehend how he had ended up on his bed in the first place.

Yuri felt two fingers under his chin and how his head got lifted, his vision though was completely blurred. His eyelashes were so wet that he couldn’t make anything out, no matter how close or far away things were.

“Breathe, Yuri,” he then heard someone say and just by the tone of the voice, he knew it was Yuuri.

Yuuri’s chest was suddenly heaving up and down very quickly. He choked on the air going in and out of his lungs, his sobs didn’t stop and his eyes began stinging so badley that he had to close them, but it didn’t stop the tears from escaping them. His subconscious was aware of Victor’s hand in his hair and his chest pressed to his back, just as much as he was aware of Yuuri in front of him, his fingers gently brushing away some tears from his cheeks. Yuri’s conscience however didn’t really register any of these things.

He couldn’t stop shaking or start breathing. Everything was a haze, a downward spiral Yuri was stuck in without a clear direction out. His whole life, or rather everything that he ever really loved, was gone and there was nothing he could do about it. Yuri knew he definitely had Victor and Yuuri to rely on and he was actually more than just simply grateful to have them in his life. And yes, he also had Yuuko and Mari, Mila, Yakov and Lilia, even Chris, Phichit and all of Otabek’s friends back in Almaty to a certain degree, but they didn’t compare to his grandpa or to Otabek, no one did.

Before Otabek, his grandpa was the only person Yuri ever truly loved. The love he felt for Otabek was just as strong but completely different. Yuri had been fine as long as he hadn’t known what real love actually felt like, now he did and he had still thrown it all away. Otabek had shown him not only what it meant to be loved but also what it meant to love someone in return, and that was the precise reason why Yuri had ended things between them. He loved Otabek too much to drag him down with him.

**_Wednesday, 8 th February, Almaty, 5.03pm_ **

The fictional final whistle had just rung throughout the arena when Otabek’s coach told him to call it a day. It had been the third day back at practice and he could truthfully say that he was happy to be on the stone-cold ice again. However, even the hours he spent at the rink each day didn’t really deter his mind from occupying practically every waking thought in his head with memories, hopes and fantasies about Yuri.

Otabek came to the realisation that at this point he wasn’t even skating for himself anymore, even though that had always been his number one priority when it came to his career. From the very first time he laced up his pair of skates as a kid, he had told himself to do this for him, and only for him. Now he was skating for Yuri every single time he put all the energy and emotion he could muster into his routines, trying his utmost best to reach the level of precision and expertise that Yuri always seemed to easily bring with him on the ice.

He waved at his coach once before Otabek did a few lazy circles around the rink on his own. There was no music, but he didn’t need any. Imagining the song he would be using for his next gala piece at Four Continents, assuming he would make it to the podium, Otabek just began to run through the routine as he could feel the ups and downs of the melody spread through his body.

As he came to a stop when the music that had only been playing in his head had ended, the actual song began playing and echoing throughout the rink. Otabek looked up to find Asel and Temir standing at the barrier, grinning from ear to ear. They were an odd pair standing next to each other, simply because Temir was just so much taller than the pink-haired girl next to him. Unable to hide his own grin when he saw them, Otabek skated over to where they were standing behind the barrier.

“We ran into your coach,” Temir said once Otabek had reached them. “We asked him what routine you were doing.”

“He just put the music on,” Asel added.

Otabek sighed, but it wasn’t an annoyed sigh. He was happy to see them and honestly not at all surprised that they were there.

“What’s the plan?” Otabek only asked, his hands resting on the barrier that separated him from his friends.

“We just want to have some fun,” Asel said, winking at him, before she and Temir came around and stepped on the ice, both in their own pairs of skates.

Asel grabbed Otabek’s hand and dragged him to the middle of the ice, Temir right behind them. She came to a halt between the two of them and first looked to Otabek on her left, then to Temir in her right.

“Ready?” she asked, and Otabek knew exactly what it was she wanted them to do.

“The song doesn’t have the right rhythm, Asel,” he said, although he couldn’t hide his excitement with a smile. They hadn’t done this in years.

“So?” Temir chimed in, once again showing how little he knew about music. He never learned to count through a song, breaking it up into smaller, more manageable pieces.

“It doesn’t matter you guys,” Asel interrupted them both. “On my count. Five…” Temir turned his upper body to face her, his feet still in place pointing forward. “Six.” Otabek did the same on her other side. “Seven.” Asel put her hands on her hips and let her head fall down. “Eight.”

On that final count, all three of them seemingly effortlessly went straight into a dance routine they hadn’t performed together in approximately fourteen years. No one knew that he occasionally used this dance as a warm-up. He only did it when his coach wasn’t around, because it had very little to do with actual skating.

Otabek was immensely surprised to see Asel and Temir perfectly show off every single move. He hadn’t been on the ice with them in quite some time, and he couldn’t imagine either one of them dancing this on their own at home, so it was a little strange to see them doing it now with apparently no issue at all.

The rhythm of the song that was playing really was quite different to the original one they had used (which had been music from some old children’s show from the eighties), but somehow it still worked. Seeing Asel and Temir smile and laugh so carelessly was infectious in a way Otabek hadn’t experienced in a while. They raised their arms and clapped, threw their legs forward and backwards all the while not losing their balance. It was so strange to be dancing this routine, but it was so much fun that Otabek didn’t really care about how silly they probably looked. All that really mattered was that he wasn’t alone, and even more importantly, that he didn’t _feel_ alone, even if it as just for a few minutes.

**_Thursday, 9 th February, Almaty, 11.13pm_ **

Still high on adrenaline hours later, Otabek decided to do something he knew he would without a doubt regret in his current state, but he just couldn’t put it off any longer.

The video Mila had sent him of Yuri’s exhibition skate from the European Championship had been on his mind every single day since he had found it on his phone. Seeing Yuri, even if it was just a video of him, was hard enough already. Seeing him skate would be even worse.

Regardless, Otabek was sitting on his bed with Ginger curled up in his lap when he once again opened the message Mila had sent him. He clicked on the video and turned the volume up. The quality wasn’t great but it made no difference to him. It was still Yuri and he was perfect in every medium as far as Otabek was concerned.

In the video, Yuri was wearing a simple pair of black slacks and a long-sleeved button up in a dark shade of purple, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His hair was tied up a high ponytail, a few strands of his golden mane loosely hanging around his face framing it.

Yuri was skating to a song called “ _See You Again_.” Otabek couldn’t say that he had heard it before, but it was easy for him to pick up on the underlying despair and sadness the song carried with it. It was flawlessly mirrored in Yuri’s performance as well. The agony on his face was heart-breaking to see. Yuri was in pain and Otabek wasn’t able to shake the feeling that he knew why. The routine itself was, on the one hand, exactly Yuri’s style. Otabek would bet good money that Yuri had choreographed it together with Victor. On the other hand, the routine was nothing like Yuri at all. It was fragile in a way Yuri normally wasn’t in public. He was perfectly capable of delivering emotional performances, but not in the same way he did with this gala piece. Somehow it was nothing like Yuri at all, yet at the same time it was entirely him from the first note of the song to the very last.

Otabek was sure that no one in the arena in Sheffield had picked up on it at the time, but even with the crappy quality of the video he could easily tell that silent tears had been rolling down Yuri’s cheeks by the end of his performance. In moments like those Otabek could read him just as easily as a book he had read a dozen of times before. He knew Yuri better than anybody else, but that didn’t make any difference when he saw him cry in front of thousands of people.

Barely noticing his own wet cheeks, Otabek minimised the window of the video on his phone, and quickly typed a message to the only person he could think of that he wanted and _needed_ to let in on his plan to finally get through to Yuri, because now he suddenly had a plan he desperately aimed to follow.

 **Otabek:** _I have a favour to ask. It’s about Yura._

 **Yuuri Katsuki:** _What do you need?_

**_Friday, 10 th February, St. Petersburg, 5.54pm  
_ **

As soon as the three of them had gotten home just over twenty minutes ago, Yuri had once again disappeared into his room without another word. Even after the soul-crushing incident from a few days before, Yuri had gone to practice with Victor and Yuuri every day since. He still hadn’t talked much to anyone, but at least he wasn’t entirely closing himself off.

Victor, and Yuuri, knew him too well to take any of it at face value though.

Whilst Yuuri was busying himself with all their damp clothes in the laundry room, Victor was in the process of making tea when the sudden noise coming from Yuri’s room almost made him spill the hot water on himself. It was one of the four songs he had heard hundreds of times since Yuri had returned from Sheffield and it was starting to absolutely do his head in. Victor put the kettle back in its station, probably a little too forcefully resulting in a loud dull thump, before he stormed off in the direction of Yuri’s bedroom.

“Enough is enough,” he growled before he pushed down the door handle and entered the younger Russian’s room without being invited in. Victor hadn’t noticed Yuuri right behind him until he came to a stop only a couple of feet away from Yuri’s bed and Yuuri walked right into him, his fiancé’s chest colliding with his back.

Victor turned around briefly, glaring at Yuuri, before he focused his attention on the surprised expression on Yuri’s face in front of him. The blonde was sitting on his bed with Potya in his lap.

“I’ve had enough of this, Yurio,” Victor said with his voice raised, only a fraction away from shouting. “It’s time you pull yourself together, God damn it.”

Victor almost never swore, maybe twice a year. It was very out of character for him, but he felt like nothing else would help make his point.

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” Yuri shot back at him as he got up from the bed, carefully lifting Potya off his legs and placing her gently on the mattress.

“You don’t think I know what heartbreak feels like?” Victor asked in return, the anger inside him growing relentlessly.

Yuri stood only a few inches away from him, his usual frown in place and his eyebrows dangerously crouched together. As absurd as it was, this was the Yuri Victor knew, this was the Yuri Victor had missed these last weeks.

Yuuri had apparently turned the music off as it was dead quiet in the room all of a sudden while Victor and Yuri were staring at each other.

“I know you like to think that your life is so unique and special, but guess what, Yuri? It’s not, at least not when it comes to your feelings getting hurt,” Victor half chocked out, half yelled out. This wasn’t as easy for him as Yuri probably liked to believe, in fact Victor hated that he had to do this in the first place, but he was tired of Yuri retreating more and more. He despised seeing him like that.

Yuri’s eyes squinted almost completely shut and Victor also noticed how his upper lip began to tremble in a snarl, while his nose scrunched up ever so slightly.

“You’re hurt. I get that, believe me, I do,” Victor said, and immediately went on before Yuri could interrupt him and deny it, “but you need to stop going down this self-destructive path and shutting yourself off from everyone, especially us.”

“Fuck off, Victor,” Yuri spat out before he shoved Victor out of his way and stomped off.

Victor looked after him, upset with Yuri and frustrated with himself. This was not how this was supposed to go.

“What are you doing, Victor?” Yuuri huffed at his fiancé, apparently a little unsure about what Victor was up to here.

Victor wasn’t even quite sure to explain himself. There were so many different emotions rushing through him when he thought about Yuri and the pain he had been in for weeks now. “He’s done moping about Otabek all the time,” he eventually said. “All he does is train and lock himself in his room, listening to the same songs over and over again, driving us insane. I’m not going to take this anymore.”

He walked away then and followed Yuri into the living room, where the blonde had turned on the television just that tiny bit too loud. Yuri was sprawled out on the biggest sofa when Victor came up to him and snatched the remote out of his hand to turn the television off again.

“What the hell is your problem?” Yuri bellowed right up in the older Russian’s face.

“Sit your ass back down,” Victor growled at him. He only had a fraction of a second to realise what he had said, and the words surprised him just as much as the other two in the room judging by the look on their faces. However, now that he had said them, he wasn’t going to take them back. “You are going to talk to us now.”

Yuri begrudgingly sat down again, his eyes not leaving Victor. Much to Victor’s surprise, his fiancé took a seat next to Yuri. Actually, he really shouldn’t be that surprised. Yuuri had always cared deeply for Yuri, and the blonde normally went to him first for advice or if he was in trouble. This time though, Victor decided to butt in, because he was done being patient and simply watching on as Yuri kept not only hurting himself, but the person he loved as well. Despite what Yuuri might have accused him off not long ago, Victor cared about Otabek too, even with Yuri being his higher priority.

Victor lowered himself onto the coffee table, his knees almost touching those of the other two men sitting in front of him on the couch. Potya was suddenly by his side, rubbing herself against his legs. He didn’t know what to make of that as she usually just ignored him. Maybe she had picked up on the tension in the room, maybe she had somehow noticed that he was the cause of it. Victor didn’t know, but her body heat did calm him down a little. When he spoke up again, his voice was steady and level again.

“I want you to tell us exactly what’s going on with you,” Victor said, almost begged of Yuri.

Victor watched as Yuri turned his face to look at Yuuri. His fiancé nodded encouragingly at the blonde, and Yuri relaxed visibly. He sighed and let his head fall. Victor saw his hands fidgeting and he immediately knew that this wasn’t easy for Yuri either, but there was no way around it anymore. They had to start somewhere.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Yuri eventually whispered, barely loud enough for the others to hear. He was avoiding Victor’s gaze, either unsure about what to really say or embarrassed about being vulnerable.

“Try us,” Victor said, hoping Yuri would understand that him and Yuuri were there for him no matter what.

Yuuri reached over and squeezed Yuri’s hands that were balled up into one single mess made of his fingers, his knuckles white from the pressure he inflicted upon himself.

Yuri took a deep breath before he said, “I broke up with Beka.” Neither Victor nor Yuuri interrupted him, even though they were already aware of that fact. “But I miss him… a lot.”

Victor had to hold himself back. He was ready to point fingers again, still at Otabek (yes, Yuuri had been right about that), because the anger he always felt when he saw Yuri in turmoil was growing inside him again.

“Why, Yuri? Why did you break up with Otabek?” Victor couldn’t help but ask.

Yuuri put his arm around the blonde’s shoulder, probably trying to comfort him, which Victor desperately wanted to do himself but he knew that he wasn’t the right person to do that, so he let Yuuri give it a shot instead.

Sighing again, Yuri’s voice was almost completely broken when the next few words came tumbling off his lips. “I’m damaged goods after what that guy did to me. Beka deserves perfection and that’s not me.”

Victor had always been suspicious of anyone who was interested in more than just friendship with Yuri. He cared so much about him that no one ever seemed to be good enough for Yuri. As it turned out now, Yuri himself thought he was the one who wasn’t good enough for anyone else, specifically Otabek.

“That’s ridiculous,” Victor replied. Yuuri apparently couldn’t keep himself from chiming in as well when he added, “we just need you to be you, Yuri.”

Yuri was sniffling already, and Victor expected to see tears any second now, not just Yuri’s but his own as well.

“Perfection is in the eye of the beholder, much like everything else. To us, and to Otabek, you are as close to perfection as anyone could possibly be,” Victor said, and meant every single word of it.

There were the first tears rolling down Yuri’s cheeks then, but he still wasn’t looking at Victor, or at Yuuri for that matter.

“You love Otabek, don’t you?” Victor asked the young man in front of him. He leaned forward and put his hands on top of Yuuri’s which covered Yuri’s. All of a sudden, Victor thought he could feel his own heart breaking for Yuri.

“Do you?” he said, pushing for an answer from Yuri, who eventually nodded in silence. Victor knew the answer already, but a massive part of him, the one that was mad at Otabek for putting Yuri in this position, needed to get a reply from Yuri himself. It was the only way he could finally silence that voice inside his head that kept telling him that somehow this was all Otabek’s fault. It wasn’t, and Victor acknowledged that now.

“Look at me,” Victor said to Yuri, urging him to lift his head. He needed Yuri to really hear what he was about to say, and the only way he could make sure that he did was if Victor could see his eyes.

Victor swallowed, speaking up only when he considered himself to be ready. “Yuri, you need to listen carefully now. Can you do that?” he asked, patiently waiting for a response from Yuri. All he got in return was another nod. It wasn’t what he had hoped for, but it was enough.

“Good,” Victor almost praised him, reaching up to stroke the side of Yuri’s face once. He could see more tears forming in Yuri’s eyes, but Victor couldn’t allow himself to be distracted by them. “Yuri,” he started again, “what happened to you at the club was not your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You are one of the strongest people Yuuri and I know. That guy can’t take that away from you. He can’t take _anything_ away from you unless you let him, but I just can’t imagine that you would ever willingly let anyone dictate what to do or how to live your life. Your skull is way too thick for that.” Victor could feel his own eyes watering, but he just had to keep going now. “When we took you home from the club and Yuuri called Otabek to tell him what had happened, no one expected him to fly out here, but he did. He didn’t hesitate at all before he booked the next flight to see you. As you’re very well aware of, it wasn’t even the first time he had done that. Otabek always does these kinds of things when it concerns you, no questions asked. That’s the kind of person Otabek is. He doesn’t ask for anything in return, other than that you love him back, and you _do_ love him. It all makes sense. You are to Otabek what Yuuri is to me.” Victor didn’t dare to look at his fiancé then. Yuuri knew Victor loved him, but there were things Victor had never actually said out loud in his presence before.

“I became incredibly infatuated with Yuuri before I actually went to Japan. Training with him and seeing him grow into this confident and determined man simply made me fall in love with him more and more every single day. I never thought that would be possible. I imagine that’s exactly how Otabek came to love you as well. There was always something there, even from the first day he met you, and over time those feelings just took on a life of their own. Otabek may not have seen it right away, neither did you obviously, but that doesn’t mean that there hasn’t always been something between you two.” Victor had hoped that this would get easier, yet he only seemed to dig his own hole deeper and deeper. He needed to climb out of it. “Yuuri and I got to watch you grow up over the last four years from this little brat into, well, this slightly more grown up brat I suppose,” he said, almost giggling, when he saw Yuri’s chest shaking a little as well, and heard a small choked up chuckle coming out of Yuri. “You mean the world to us and all we could ever want is for you to be happy. We’ve seen you and Otabek together for years now and no one else has ever come close to making you smile as brightly as he can. It’s seriously creepy how much you laugh when you’re around him. You’re so relaxed and genuine and open when you’re with him, and the same goes for Otabek. You two are good together, actually not just good, you’re great together. When you were younger I honestly didn’t think there would ever be someone who would put up with all of your anger and frustration. The thing is that when I look at you and Otabek together, there is none of that anger and frustration because he makes you happy. He brings out sides of you that no one else even gets to scratch the surface of. I know you love him, and I know that Otabek loves you. Why are you so determined to give that up?”

Yuri appeared to be close to actually sobbing now, not as violently as he did earlier in the week, but he seemed close. Victor couldn’t help but wonder if he had taken things too far or said something wrong.

“I don’t want to be a burden to Beka,” Yuri admitted through gritted teeth and wet eyes, and Victor suddenly felt the urge to shake him. Why was none of what he said getting through to Yuri?

“Stop it, Yuri,” Victor said, his voice now firm. He reached up once again, resting both of his hands on the sides of Yuri’s face, forcing him to look at him. Their faces were so close that Yuri had no opportunity to avert his eyes from Victor’s. “Otabek loves you and you love him. I realise now that that doesn’t seem to be enough for you, but trust me when I tell you that it _is_ enough. It’s as simple as that. When I went to Japan to see Yuuri, people thought I was crazy. I know you were one of those people, but look at Yuuri and me now. We’re both highly decorated skaters, we live together and we’re engaged. I have all I ever wanted and I got here because I took a chance and flew to Japan. That’s the kind of risky stuff you do when you’re in love. Otabek has done that for you twice already and I definitely wouldn’t be surprised if he were to do it again. Don’t stand in the way of your own happiness, Yuri. You’re not just hurting yourself, you’re hurting Otabek and I know that’s the last thing you would ever want to do. Otabek loves the person you are right now, not the person you think you have to be.”

Victor had met a bump because he didn’t know what else he could possibly say to make Yuri understand what he had given up by ending things with Otabek. Luckily for him, he didn’t have to think of anything else when Yuri launched forward and wrapped his arms around Victor’s neck, crying into his shirt. Yuuri flung his arms around both of them, holding on tight.

“I do love him,” Yuri mumbled into the crook of Victor’s neck.

“I know,” was all Victor said in response, feeling Yuri’s body tremble in his embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [This](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xLp5pVuvK8) is Yuri's EX from Sheffield that Otabek is watching a video of, inspired by none other than Shoma Uno. Also, I'm not sure if real life skaters have more than one EX routine for an entire season (honestly couldn't find definite info about that, so please enlighten me if you know more), but in this story, all the characters that are skating have a different EX for each competition they're participating in.
> 
> Any thoughts about Victor now? Did he redeem himself for what he said about Otabek before when he talked to Yuuri?


	13. If Everything's Changing, You Gotta Let Go.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otabek gets a surprise when he least expects it, while Yuri has a decision to make as Victor and Yuuri head off to Seoul for Four Continents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive shout-out to my girl Dora who, unintentionally, keeps pushing me to keep working on this stupid story. Huuuge thanks also to all the amazing people who keep leaving comments that motivate me just as much. You people are pure gold! <3

**_Friday, 10 th February, St. Petersburg, 11.42pm_ **

Even though both Yuuri and Victor were reluctant to leave Yuri on his own after they had talked to him shortly when they had gotten home from the rink in the afternoon, they had gone out for their date anyway. It was just a simple cinema date, but Yuuri knew that these outings were one of the reasons their relationship was still blossoming. They made time for each other outside of the rink, and they needed that time together.

After much deliberation and reassurance from Yuri that he would be fine alone in the apartment for a few hours, Yuuri and Victor had left him to it and gone out for their date.

By the time they had returned from the cinema, they had found Yuri curled up on the couch in front of the television in the living room, Potya right by his side as usual. Victor had draped the large blue blanket from the back of the sofa over his lithe and lissom frame and turned the television off.

Yuuri could see that Victor was still hesitant and torn about everything that was going on with the younger Russian, but he had clearly made an effort earlier by talking to Yuri and that was a massive deal, even if Victor himself wouldn’t particularly admit to it.

Just like Yuri, Victor had a public and private side. Unlike Yuri though, Victor’s public image was all sunshine, silliness and perfection on the ice. Both, Yuri and Victor, are much more vulnerable than their public appearance would ever let on. Over the past four years Yuuri sometimes had to learn that the hard way.

Now he was snuggled up to his fiancé on their bed, feeling content and blessed under the silky duvet. The small lamps on their bedside tables were still on, illuminating the otherwise almost deafening darkness in their bedroom. Once in a while, Yuuri couldn’t help but marvel at how his life had ended up the way it did. Every time he thought about it, he was more and more sure that he wouldn’t change a thing about it.

“Are you okay, darling?” he heard Victor mumble into his hair.

Yuuri was leaning with his back against Victor’s chest, only the two thin layers of their t-shirts separating them. It had been a long day and he was exhausted. He had approximately twenty-eight hours to properly relax before him and Victor would have to fly out to Seoul for Four Continents.

He smiled at the sound of his fiancé’s voice and turned his head slightly to press a brief kiss to Victor’s jaw, which was rewarded with the two strong arms around him holding on that tiny bit more eagerly.

“Are _you_ okay?” Yuuri eventually asked in return. He was still concerned that Victor’s little half-monologue from earlier had left some unpleasant aftertaste in the silver-haired man’s mouth.

Victor only hummed, almost inaudible, and planted a kiss to Yuuri’s temple. It was a clear sign that Victor didn’t really want to talk about it, but Yuuri was too worried about it all to just let it slide.

“What made you change your mind?” he asked, turning his face up to look Victor in the eyes. “About Yurio and Otabek, I mean.”

Yuuri could feel Victor’s chest rising and slowly falling back down, before he got a response from him. “You did,” Victor simply said then, “and Yurio.” At that, Yuuri stirred a little and sat up properly next to him, cross-legged with a most likely rather irritated look on his face.

“What do you mean?” Yuuri enquired, his brows furrowed because he really didn’t understand what Victor could be talking about.

Reaching out for Yuuri’s hands, Victor smiled calmly, seemingly more to himself than to anyone else. “I admit, I had doubts about Yuri and Otabek getting together, but after we talked when they had broken up, I began to realise that it wasn’t Otabek specifically I was upset about.”

Yuuri stroked the back of Victor’s hands in an attempt to keep him talking. He didn’t interrupt him, because he knew how difficult it could be for Victor to be open about his feelings.

“I was just upset seeing Yurio getting hurt. I didn’t care what the cause for it was because it didn’t matter. It didn’t change the result. I took it out on Otabek because it was convenient. You were right, Yuuri,” Victor admitted, “I wanted to place blame.”

Yuuri couldn’t hide the small smirk on his lips, so he ducked his head a little trying to hide it from his fiancé which seemed to work since Victor made no comment about it. Once Yuuri had settled himself again and made sure that Victor was done talking, he spoke up. “So what changed, Vitya?” he asked.

Victor sighed. Yuuri was familiar with that specific sigh. Victor had a way to say more with his body language than with actual words, especially around him. It was a language that took Yuuri longer to learn than Russian. It had created a lot of friction between them in the past, mostly at the beginning of their relationship, but over time Yuuri had become more than just proficient at reading Victor through his gestures and actions.

“Yurio did,” Victor eventually proclaimed. “When we dropped Otabek off at the airport and Yurio said he loved him, I didn’t believe him. He was angry and frustrated, I was sure he would’ve said anything at that point to get Otabek to stay.” He stopped and took a deep breath, while Yuuri began to study his face, every little wrinkle the motions of his eyes, nose and mouth created. “But when he broke down looking at that picture of him and Otabek and Nikolai, it all suddenly hit me. I didn’t want to see it before, but I couldn’t ignore it any longer when I found him weeping in your arms. That’s the only reason I pushed him this afternoon. I wanted him to say it. I wanted to hear him say that he loves Otabek.”

Yuuri had scolded Victor on multiple occasions in the past for taking things too far with Yuri, but every time he saw Victor do it, he also understood why he did it. He had to admit that he tended to wrap Yuri in bubble wrap, be a little too overprotective from time to time, but Yuuri couldn’t help it. Occasionally he caught himself fussing about even the smallest things when it came to Yuri. Once he had talked Yakov into sending Yuri home when he slipped on the ice and fell. The fall hadn’t even left a bruise, but Yuuri had been so stern about it that Yakov gave in very easily. Yuri had been holding this over his head for a long time.

“What about Otabek then? Do you really believe that he loves Yurio?” Yuuri eventually asked his fiancé, because it was the only thing Victor hadn’t really addressed yet.

“Yes,” Victor replied immediately. “I mean, I don’t know for sure but when I think about everything he has done for Yurio in the past, it seems like there is no other explanation.” He sighed again before Yuuri noticed a small mischievous smile playing around his lips. “Otabek dropped everything and missed practice to be here for Yurio, twice. That’s something I would do, what I _did_ do, when I was falling in love with you. I just have to trust that that was Otabek’s motivation as well.”

A sense of pride was soaring through Yuuri at those words. In a way, Victor was right. There were undeniably similarities between his history with Victor and Yuri’s with Otabek. Of course, it wasn’t exactly the same, but Yuuri could see where his fiancé was coming from. Plus, it seemed to help Victor understand how much Yuri and Otabek obviously mean to each other, and that was something Yuuri certainly wouldn’t complain about.

He remembered his text message conversation with Otabek the previous night. Yuuri hadn't planned on saying anything to Victor, but now he felt like he had to.

“I have to tell you something,” he admitted, looking up to see Victor’s deep blue eyes shining lovingly at him. “I got a text from Otabek last night asking me for a favour.”

“Oh?” Victor said, but he didn’t seem too surprised, Yuuri thought. He took that as reassurance to continue. Keeping things from Victor wasn’t really something Yuuri particularly enjoyed, but sometimes it was the only option.

“He asked if it would be okay for him to come here after Four Continents and stay with us for a couple of days,” Yuuri revealed. “I said yes.”

Sometimes it was almost impossible to anticipate how Victor would react to certain things. This was one of those situations, but it soon turned out that Yuuri had no reason to be worried at all. Victor reached up one of his hands and placed it on the side of Yuuri’s face, brushing his thumb over his full lips. He leaned over and gently kissed him.

Yuuri immediately relaxed into the kiss, his concern slowly leaving his body because of the tenderness of Victor’s lips on his.

“You’re not mad?” he asked as soon as they broke apart again. Victor smiled at him, his eyes glittering with admiration. He shook his head saying, “no, darling, I’m not. I want Yurio to be happy and seeing Otabek will hopefully achieve that.”

Yuuri was relieved to say the least. He shuffled his body around once more, finding himself in the same position he was in before, his back pressed into Victor’s chest with Victor’s arms around him. Yuuri knew how lucky he was that Victor trusted him so much. He was happy and felt blessed, and he decided that this was the right moment to bring something else up he had been mulling over for the past few weeks.

“Vitya?” he said, aiming to get his fiancé’s attention.

Victor hummed in response yet another time, and Yuuri couldn’t hold it in anymore. “I finally want to get married.” While Victor’s hands were carefully caressing his skin before, they suddenly stilled. “This summer. You and me, Yurio and Otabek, a few friends, Yakov, my parents and Mari. Nothing big or fancy. I just…” Yuuri had no chance to ramble on when Victor used his index finger to turn his face so they could look each other in the eye. “Yes,” he simply said and kissed Yuuri again.

**_Saturday, 11 th February, Almaty, 4.03pm_ **

When Otabek arrived at the recording studio, he expected to see Alisur. He did not expect to find Ezra there as well. They hadn’t talked since Ezra had come back from seeing Yuri in Sheffield. The others had told him that the older twin blamed himself for Yuri breaking up with Otabek, and even though Otabek himself didn’t blame him at all, so far he hadn’t been able to bring himself to talk to Ezra about it either.

In the end, Otabek greeted both, Alisur and Ezra, as if the awkwardness between them wasn’t there at all. He figured it made no sense to bring it up, since it wasn’t a big deal to him, although he did have a feeling that Ezra would eventually reach a point where he wouldn’t be able to ignore the (imaginary) tension hanging in the air around them.

Alisur quickly enough asked for the lyrics he wanted Otabek to write. Fishing around in his leather rucksack, Otabek got out the piece of paper he scribbled the lyrics on. It was an utter mess. There were scratched out lines everywhere, new words covering a first draft of the song, but Otabek hoped that Alisur would still be able to decipher all the important bits he needed him to see. He had had plenty of time to make another copy of the lyrics throughout the past week, but Otabek had simply been too lazy.

He watched as Alisur passed the piece of paper along to his brother, who glanced over it quickly. Otabek saw Ezra’s eyebrows furrow, but he didn’t appear angry or upset, he seemed emotional. “Who is singing this?” he asked no one in particular.

“Beka is,” Alisur replied, and Otabek’s eyes shot over to him immediately.

“What?” he choked out, totally unprepared for what Alisur was asking of him now.

Otabek didn’t see the tiny smile on Ezra’s face, because his entire attention was fixed on Alisur, who was looking at him completely unfazed, shrugging his shoulders briefly.

“This,” he said, snatching the paper out of Ezra’s hand, “is exactly what I wanted you to write. It’s too personal for anyone else to sing. Like it or not, you are going to record this, piano and vocals. Ezra and I will do the mix.”

It was hard to define what Otabek was feeling then. He didn’t expect this from Alisur, but the more he thought about it, the more it suddenly made sense. Alisur was right, the lyrics were incredibly intimate. All three of them knew who Otabek had had in mind when he wrote them, none of them needed to say it out loud, and now that he properly thought about it, Otabek found the idea of anyone else other than himself singing this song completely absurd.

“Let’s go,” Alisur suddenly said, bringing Otabek back to reality. “Piano’s up first.”

Half-way through the fifth time of recording the piano parts, Otabek’s phone vibrated and lit up where he had put it on top of the mixing desk. He was in the recording booth, headphones covering his ears, and had no clue that he had received a text message.

Alisur and Ezra on the other hand did see his phone, and not only that. The text message consisted of only three words, easy to read just through the text preview without actually opening it. Ezra saw it first, a hand quickly covering his mouth, while Alisur instantly looked over at him, one of his eyebrows raised. Pointing at Otabek’s phone, Alisur leaned over and saw what had caused Ezra to almost squeak.

“Keep it to yourself, Ezra,” he warned him. “Otabek doesn’t need the distraction. Let him finish the recording.”

When Otabek had actually finished running through the piano parts yet another time, he took of the headphones and turned his gaze up to find the twins smiling at him. Alisur gave him a thumbs-up, indicating they had everything they needed for the melody. He pointed to the vocal recording booth, and Otabek immediately made his way over there.

“Do you want to take a break, Beka?” Alisur asked him then over the intercom, even though he had planned on getting the recording done first.

Otabek thought about it for a second and eventually decided that it was probably a good idea. He stepped out of the recording booth and re-joined the twins. Noticing that Ezra had obvious trouble hiding a massive grin, Otabek looked over at Alisur who seemed to avoid him. There was no tension in the room anymore, but something was definitely up. Otabek just didn’t know what exactly that was.

When he saw his phone blinking, telling him that he had missed a call or received a text, Otabek grabbed it from the mixing desk. He heard Ezra squealing next to him. Otabek saw him clinging onto Alisur’s arm, both of them now staring at him in anticipation. Ezra was undoubtedly very excited about something, while Alisur appeared to stay calm, but Otabek noticed a glint in his eyes that betrayed him.

“Why are you being weird?” he asked them both, because it was starting to get a little freaky.

Ezra pointed to the phone in his hand, but Otabek still didn’t understand anything until he actually checked his phone screen.

He felt his heartbeat race in an instant, his chest got impossibly tight and he involuntarily held his breath. Otabek had been hoping for this for almost a month. The text he had received was so simple, but its impact on Otabek was huge.

 **Yura <3:** _I miss you._

**_Sunday, 12 th February, St. Petersburg, 4.12am_ **

The past two nights had been incredibly restless for Yuri, but he wasn’t fighting his insomnia for the usual reasons. Something that Victor had said to him kept running through his mind over and over again.

_“Otabek loves the person you are right now, not the person you think you have to be.”_

What if Victor was actually right about that? What if Otabek did love him just the way he was? It was a possibility that was more than just difficult for Yuri to even consider, but a small part inside of him was desperate to hold on to that tiny thread of hope.

Yuri wanted nothing more than to be back in Otabek’s arms, to smell the familiar scent of him in the morning when they woke up together, and to feel Otabek’s body pressed against his making him feel safe. He was longing for Otabek’s fingers in his hair and on every inch of his skin, for that tingling sensation that always rushed through him whenever Otabek’s pink lips collided with his own. Yuri was desperate to bury his nose in Otabek’s damp hair once he stepped out of the shower, he wanted to feel Otabek’s toned stomach muscles underneath his fingertips, and he wished for nothing else but to be with Otabek again.

It was all of this that had lead Yuri to take a leap of faith the previous day. He had typed and sent the text to Otabek in a matter of seconds, just so he wouldn’t have a chance to think about it and possibly change his mind. Yuri hadn’t been forced to wait very long for a reply from Otabek. It had been less than ten minutes when he his phone had chirped with a new text message.

 **Beka <3:** _I miss you too, Yura._

Yuri was looking at the text again now. Otabek had kept it as simple as he had with his own message, but it was all Yuri had needed.

Perhaps Victor really had been right, perhaps Yuri had worried himself for over a month for no reason at all.

There were two distinct voices in his head. One of them kept telling him that he wasn’t good enough, that he had been contaminated the second the guy at the club had put his hands on him, but that other voice continuously grew louder again. The one that insisted that Yuri deserved to be happy, especially with someone who wanted to _make_ him happy.  

Yuri was stupidly grinning at his phone, his eyes tired from the lack of sleep, when his bedroom door quietly opened. Victor and Katsudon walked in, apparently surprised to find Yuri awake and the lamp on his bedside table switched on.

“Hey,” Yuuri said once him and Victor had made their way over to Yuri’s bed. Victor, as always, had to state the obvious. “You’re up.”

It was so incredibly early in the morning, but Yuri was aware that the two of them had to leave for the airport to catch their flight to Seoul. He tried his hardest not to roll his eyes at Victor. “No, I learned to sleep with my eyes open,” Yuri couldn’t stop himself from saying anyway.

Yuuri smirked at that, and then it was actually Victor who rolled his eyes.

“Are you doing okay?” Katsudon asked him, before he sat down next to Yuri on the edge of the bed. On the one hand, Yuri really wanted to talk about it all, especially about the text from Otabek, on the other hand he didn’t even know where he would begin, so he ended up just nodding.

Victor was standing beside Yuuri, one hand rested on his fiancé’s shoulder, the other one buried in his trousers’ pocket. “Since Yakov already gave you the time off for Seoul, are you still planning on flying out there on Friday?”

Yuri had somehow managed to completely forget about Four Continents. Considering everything that had occupied his mind lately, it shouldn’t be that big of a surprise to him though.

“I haven’t really thought about it yet,” he admitted.

“Well,” Victor began, and Yuri saw him squeeze Katsudon’s shoulder, “we’d be happy to see you out there and I’m sure we wouldn’t be the only ones.”

It was so obvious what Victor was implying, but Yuri was still grateful that he didn’t actually mention Otabek. Thinking about the very real opportunity that presented itself to him to see Otabek in only a few days, was causing his stomach to clench in the most uncomfortable way.

“Are you sure you’re going to be alright on your own?” Yuuri was asking him then. “I’m sure Mila wouldn’t mind staying over for the week.”

“I’ll be fine,” Yuri interrupted him. He knew where this conversation would be going if he didn’t. Even though he definitely appreciated their combined concern, Yuri was actually looking forward to having the apartment to himself for a some time. It might give him the chance to actually think about everything regarding Otabek, whether it be their relationship or just their friendship. “Don’t you two have a flight to catch?”

“We do, yes,” Victor immediately replied, clapping his hands together once as a sign of impending departure. “Let’s go, Yuuri.”

All of sudden Yuri felt a tinge of uneasiness. Just a second ago he thought being alone for a week would be a good idea, now he wasn’t quite so sure anymore. Unfortunately, Katsudon seemed to have picked up on this abrupt change in his mood.

“Call us if you need anything,” Yuuri said, “and I mean anything. I don’t care what it is. We’re flying back immediately if that’s what you need. Just let us know, ok?”

“Stop going all mama bear on my ass,” Yuri said, but his voice was lacking the usual bite, when Katsudon reached over and brushed some of Yuri’s silky hair out of his face.

“I mean it,” Yuuri repeated. Yuri patted his hand away from his face and said, “I know.”

He watched as Victor and Katsudon made their way out of his bedroom again, stopping by his door before they turned around again. “Please don’t set the apartment on fire while we’re gone,” Victor pleaded. It sounded like he was joking, but Yuri knew he was serious as well.

“No promises, bald man,” Yuri responded, tempted to wink at him.

Seeing how Victor’s eyes grew impossibly wide at what he had said, Yuri couldn’t help but chuckle to himself. “Did he just…?” he heard Victor mumble, while Katsudon finally dragged his fiancé towards the apartment door.

“Call us, Yurio,” Yuuri’s voice eventually came echoing through the entire apartment, before Yuri heard the front door fall shut.

Now he really was alone.

**_Sunday, 12 th February, Almaty, 8.02am_ **

The fact was that Otabek would have been more than capable to either take his motorbike and leave it in the airport carpark for the time he was away, or just get a taxi to take him to the airport. Now he was sitting in the passenger seat of Meiz’s dark blue Audi A1.

“You didn’t have to give me a lift, you know?” Otabek asked clearly rhetorical.

"I do," Meiz answered immediately, “but I wanted to.”

She turned to him briefly and shot him a true little smile, one that Otabek quickly returned. It was little things like this, when his friends went out of their way without him having asked them to, that Otabek realised how lucky he truly was to know them all. He could only hope that they felt the same about him.

“How are you holding up, Beka?” Meiz then asked. It didn’t sound like she was prying, more like she was genuinely interested in his well-being. Otabek noticed the sudden warmth spreading through his chest when he thought about that.

“I’m alright, I think,” he replied, realising that he was actually telling her the truth. Even though Yuri’s text message was no indication about what was going to happen between them, if anything, it did fill Otabek with a sense of hope he didn’t think he would ever feel again in regards to Yuri.

He had drifted off a little, completely unaware that they had reached the airport, until Meiz turned off the engine. She patted his hand once and then opened the door to get out of the car. Otabek followed her suit before he got his luggage out of the trunk.

Meiz was slowly swaying from one foot to the other, clearly giving off the impression that there was something on her mind.

“What’s up, Meiz?” Otabek asked, giving her an opportunity to get out of her misery.

She trapped her tongue between her thin lips for a second, before she sighed. “I wasn’t going to bring it up, but I can’t help myself. I’m just too curious,” she admitted. Otabek was still completely clueless as if to what was going on in her head, so he said, “what is it?”

“Is Yuri still going to Seoul to see you?” she asked, obviously not wasting another second pondering over whether or not she should actually ask that question.

Truth be told, Otabek didn’t know, and he said as much to her. “I hope he does,” he eventually adds when there was no initial response from Meiz.

“Me too,” she said, hugging him tightly.

Otabek was tempted to tell her that he would be going to St. Petersburg for a few days after Four Continents, regardless of whether or not Yuri would be coming to Seoul. Somehow though, he thought that as long as he wasn’t sure if Yuri would show up in Seoul, he shouldn’t be making a big deal out of going to St. Petersburg. He had no idea how the competition or the days afterward would turn out. Unconsciously, Otabek was already putting pressure on himself. He didn’t need his friends to do that as well, so he kept his mouth shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters before the new fluff-filled story starts! Only two more chapters, people... ;)


	14. There Was a Better Way Out, I'm Sure.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otabek has thoughts, doubts and emotions to consider while Yuri is briefly on a high before he touches down to earth again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise in advance for the personal outburst that is about to follow. If that's not your thing, just go on and start the chapter. It's absolutely fine.
> 
> So, I was born and raised in Germany, but spent a year in the USA (Pennsylvania) before I moved to Manchester, England in 2011. The first time I came here was in 2009 and I've been in love with this city ever since. I don't know how many of you are aware of what has happened here last night (22/5/2017), but I can assure you that nothing will ever break people's spirits in this wonderful place. Manchester has been my home, a home I absolutely love, for almost six years now. I was a 15-minute walk away from Westminster Bridge when the attacks in London happened in March, but this now happened on my doorstep. Anyone who thinks they can just come here, scare everyone and make them feel unsafe in their own city, are clearly overestimating their influence on the community here. Manchester has come back stronger in the past, and we will do it again now. <3
> 
> I barely slept since the news hit last night and I kind of alternated between restless napping and writing this chapter for the past 24 hours. I'm so very sorry if this is the worst chapter I've presented you so far. 
> 
> Lots of love to all of you gorgeous people! Please know every single one of you is appreciated and loved. If anyone ever needs a shoulder to cry on, come find me on [tumblr](https://thesameoldfairytale.tumblr.com/) and rant with me. I'm always here if anyone needs someone to listen!

**_Monday, 13 th February, Seoul, 9.30am  
_ **

Considering the fact that the flight to Seoul had only been about twenty minutes longer than a flight from Almaty to St. Petersburg, Otabek had literally crashed and passed out on his hotel bed as soon as him and his coach had checked in the previous night. He could very well imagine how Victor and Katsuki were probably feeling, especially since their flight had been almost twice as long. However, they had an advantage since they regularly flew out to Japan to see Yuuri’s family and were probably used to those kinds of flight as little more than he was. Either way, Otabek had been exhausted when he had made his way over to the Mokdong Ice Rink where Four Continents in Seoul would be taking place in only a few days time.

It was the first practice and Otabek really wasn’t in the mood to socialise at all, but of course there was no way to escape the other skaters. Everyone he had more or less gotten to know over the past few years was there, everyone except for Christophe, Emil, Michele and of course Yuri.

Otabek had always been one of the most polite skaters in the circuit. He wasn’t known to be overly friendly or welcoming, but he was always incredibly polite and engaged in small talk whenever it really mattered. Besides from Christophe (to everyone’s surprise), Leo was probably the only other skater Otabek really considered to be a friend and he was the only one Otabek happily greeted when he saw him. He nodded and even shook hands with all the others, including Phichit, Guang-Hong, Minami and Seung-Gil. The only one he ignored as best as he could was JJ.

He really couldn’t tell if it was Yuri’s influence over time or if it was simply the fact that Otabek had a chance to get to know JJ more since he had trained at the same rink as him in Canada, but ever since Barcelona almost four years ago, an immense dislike for the Canadian had come to light. He tried to avoid JJ as best as he could and he desperately wished that Yuri was in Seoul with him, because even though Yuri despised JJ more than he did, having him around usually held his own annoyance about JJ at bay. His patience was tested on the first day already, when JJ came up to him shortly after he had stepped on the ice to begin his practice.

“Otabek,” JJ almost shouted, a massive arrogant smile on his lips, “good to see you.”

All Otabek could bring himself to do was nod in acknowledgement and turn away. A firm hand on his shoulder stopped him from doing exactly that though.

“I hope it doesn’t knock your confidence down too much that your Russian princess isn’t here to cheer you on from the side lines,” JJ said mockingly. “It’ll be so much more fun to beat the Hero of Kazakhstan when he’s in top form.”

It was no secret that Otabek had a reputation for being stoic and expressionless, for being someone who never actually showed any kind of emotion, who was very private and reserved. JJ however managed to bring out aspects of Otabek’s personality like no one else could in public. He knew, or rather hoped, that the Canadian was just joking, as he normally was, but it still rubbed Otabek the wrong way.

He might have been even more surprised than JJ when he replied with, “As I recall it, both the hero and the _prince_ took the top spots on the podium in Vancouver while you, the most pathetic ‘king’ any country has ever seen, barely managed to get to the Grand Prix Final to begin with, finishing last as expected.” It should’ve been enough but with everything that had been going on with Yuri in the past few months, and JJ now insulting Yuri (and him) _again_ , Otabek wasn’t finished. “You see Leroy, my prince turned out to be a tiger who can’t be tamed, and he still stayed by my side. Your princess had as much blue blood in her as you did when she left you, none at all.”

It was more than obvious that Otabek had hit a soft spot by mentioning Isabella. Almost a year ago she had left JJ once the ‘king’ had yet again missed out on a gold medal at Worlds. Ever since they had gotten engaged, and kind of tied them actually getting married to JJ winning the Grand Prix Final or Worlds, their relationship had steadily gone downhill. The entire thing had been ridiculous anyway, but Otabek figured that Isabella simply had had enough of waiting and ultimately putting up with JJ’s nonsense. Good on her, Otabek thought.

JJ’s eyes were suddenly squeezed almost completely shut. Perhaps Otabek had somehow knocked _his_ confidence down a notch.

He was just about to shoot another challenging glare back in JJ’s direction when Otabek heard his name being called from a little further away.

“Otabek!” Katsuki’s voice came rushing to his ears. With another confident look at JJ, that hopefully told him to cut the crap in the future, Otabek left him standing on his own in the middle of the ice and made his way over to greet Victor and Yuuri.

“Hey,” Otabek said when he came to a halt in front of the engaged couple. “How are you guys?”

“Good good,” Victor chirped, a smile playing around his lips that obviously conveyed how in love he was with the man next to him. It made Otabek incredibly jealous.

On the one hand, it was more than just pleasant to see both of them because in a strange way it almost felt like Yuri was there as well. On the other hand, seeing them was painful because again, it almost felt like Yuri was there as well. Otabek was surprised at how conflicted he actually was over this.

“Are you alright, Otabek?” Yuuri then asked, hauling him back to the present at the rink.

Otabek tried his best to pretend that he was, but not knowing if he would get to see Yuri again on Friday or if he would have to wait until the following Monday, was gnawing at him more than he was ready to admit.

He quickly shook his head a little to rid himself of those thoughts, before he nodded in response.

“Do you know if Yura is coming on Friday?” he couldn’t help but ask. It was the only thing on his mind and he needed an answer.

Katsuki smiled at him affectionally, but Otabek knew what he was going to say even before his mouth opened to reply to him.

“We don’t, no. I’m sorry,” was all Yuuri said, the pity so obvious on his face that for a fraction of a second Otabek wanted to yell at him. He didn’t. Instead he nodded again, only once, before he thanked Katsuki and Victor, saying that it was good to see them.

Otabek turned around and continued his practice with Yuri now as a permanent resident in his mind.

**_Monday, 13 th February, Almaty, 6.22pm_ **

“Ezra,” Alisur’s voice echoed throughout the twins’ apartment, and surely enough, Ezra came stumbling out of his room only a few seconds later.

“What is it?” the older twin mumbled, rubbing his eyes as if he had just woken up. That only prompted Alisur to dig deeper. “Did you take a nap? It’s past six already, Ezra!”

Alisur was painfully aware of his brother’s tendency to fall asleep at any time of the day and at any place he could make even remotely comfortable. Ezra had a bit of a talent for that, much to Alisur’s annoyance, because once Ezra was asleep, it wasn’t the easiest task to wake him up.

“So what?” Ezra snapped, although his voice lacked any kind of flippancy.

The first thing Alisur normally did when he came home from work was to make himself a cup of coffee. He knew he shouldn’t, especially after work, but it had turned into some sort of routine he found very difficult to shake. It had probably been years since he started doing it, and by now he didn’t even question it anymore.

“Tea?” he asked his brother, who hummed in response, and Alisur took that as a yes. He busied himself with filling the kettle with water, turning it on, getting out two mugs, coffee and a teabag.

“I finished the mix for Beka’s song,” Ezra then said, sitting down on the couch only a few feet away from where Alisur was making their drinks.

Filling the mugs with the boiling water once the kettle had turned itself off, Alisur asked, “Do you think he’ll like it?”

“I hope so. We practically turned it into a different song, so who knows what he’s going to think. Fingers crossed though,” Ezra answered, barely stifling a yawn.

Making his way over to the living area, Alisur passed the cup of tea over to his brother and sat down in the big armchair on the side, his own cup of steaming hot coffee in his hands. “Let’s hear it then,” he said when he was all settled and comfortable in his seat.

In the middle of sipping at his tea, Ezra grumbled and then forced himself to get up again. With his laptop under his arm, he came back to the couch less than thirty seconds later. Alisur studied Ezra carefully as he switched the laptop on and clicked around to find the track. Once he did, he turned the volume up and both of them sat back, and simply listened to Otabek’s voice sneaking out of the speakers and into their ears.

**_Monday, 13 th February, Seoul, 9.44pm_ **

After the events of the Grand Prix Final in Vancouver in December, being at another major competition now without Yuri felt strange, wrong even. Otabek could barely concentrate on anything, not just because Yuri wasn’t there but because he didn’t know where he actually stood with the blonde at the moment. He hadn’t heard anything else from Yuri since his short text two days prior, and Otabek had no idea how he was supposed to feel or think about it.

Receiving Yuri’s text had felt a little like he was throwing Otabek a lifeline, something to hold on to regardless of what would or would not happen between them in the future. All things considered, Otabek decided that whatever Yuri wanted, he would give it to him, be it a relationship, a friendship or nothing at all. Whatever Yuri would ask of him, he would do it, because there wasn’t one single thing Yuri could possibly want from him that would change his feelings about the younger Russian.

All of the thoughts that were currently running through Otabek’s head were related to Yuri in one way or another, and Otabek was afraid it would be his downfall in Seoul.

He had passed on going out to dinner with Victor and Yuuri, thinking that spending time with them would only make him feel worse, simply because a proper conversation with the two of them would eventually end up being about Yuri. Otabek also declined other dinner invitations from Leo and Phichit as well as JJ of all people. He honestly didn’t think that the Canadian would be talking to him again after what he had said to him during practice, but it seemed like JJ was always good for an unexpected surprise. Only time would tell if that was a good thing.

Otabek was lying on the bed in his hotel room, his hair damp from the shower he took not long ago and a pair of simple dark grey sweatpants covering the lower half of his body, his chest was bare. His fingers were laced together on the pillow under his head with his laptop turned on next him. He was close to drifting off just listening to music when his phone briefly vibrated. Otabek checked the notification and found an email from Alisur.

_‘Beka,_

_Here’s the finished mix. Not sure if it’s exactly what you had in mind when we recorded this but it is what it is._

_Either way, if you don’t send this to Yuri, Ezra and I will kick your ass so hard that you won’t need a plane ticket to St. Petersburg to see Yuri…_

_Remember that, idiot!_

_Ali & Ezra_

_PS: We’re rooting for you on and off the ice!’_

Otabek opened up the message on his laptop and put his headphones on. He clicked on the mp3-file that was attached to the email and leaned back on the mattress again. Closing his eyes, Otabek felt a very unfamiliar rush running through his body at the sound of his own voice coming through the headphones. He liked to sing, but he was more of a singing-in-the-shower kind of guy where no one could actually hear him. Never before had he actually recorded vocals for any of his, or someone else’s songs. Hearing himself now was a strange experience. He thought he sounded completely different, so far away somehow, and the actual words coming out of his mouth were hard to listen to.

Every single line he had written for this song was true though. Writing and music in general were something Otabek had used as an outlet for his emotions for a long time now, but he had never put his entire heart and soul into a song as he had done with this one.

He listened to it only once. It was all he could handle without turning into a complete sobbing mess.

**_Tuesday, 14 th February, St. Petersburg, 8.47pm_ **

Yuri had still been asleep when he had received an email he was most certainly not expecting. When he had finally gotten up in the morning and seen who the email was from, he hadn’t been able to bring himself to actually check what Otabek had wanted from him.

He had spent the morning at the rink to train with Mila and Yakov, before he had gone over to Lilia’s ballet studio to work more on his choreography and flexibility. Surprisingly Yuri had managed to distract himself from what was still obviously on his mind, Otabek’s email.

Mila thankfully had gotten the hint that Yuri wanted to be alone and wasn’t really up for company, so he had made his way back to the apartment he shared with Victor and Yuuri on his own, once he was finished with his practice for the day. Yuri had prepared some food and eventually made himself comfortable on one of the sofas in the living room.

His favourite purple mug was now filled with steaming peppermint tea, sitting in front of him on the coffee table. Poyta, who was curled up on his right side next to him, was breathing peacefully and purring occasionally. Maybe she was dreaming about something pleasant, Yuri thought. Next to his mug of tea was only Yuri’s laptop, turned on and ready for him to check his emails.

Yuri didn’t know how long he had been sitting there just staring at Otabek’s name on the screen without actually clicking on the email to see what he had wanted from him. When Yuri’s phone suddenly rang, he snapped out of his temporary haze. Yakov was calling him, and Yuri immediately declined the call. Whatever Yakov was most likely about to yell at him for could wait until the next day.

Once Yuri had put his phone on silent in an attempt to not be disturbed again, he finally opened up the email from Otabek, only to find… something.

_‘Just listen, please._

_I miss you, kitten.’_

Otabek hadn’t bothered with a greeting or a signature at the end, which Yuri realised wasn’t necessary at all anyway. He normally didn’t waste time with pleasantries either when it came to Otabek. They were both idiots, Yuri in a rude way most of the time, and Otabek in a politely reserved way. It made no difference though.

At first Yuri didn’t understand what exactly Otabek wanted him to listen to until he noticed the attachment to the email. He found an mp3-title entitled ‘[ILYSB](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N39Wgo-xrUo).’

For some reason Yuri couldn’t quite comprehend, he found himself nervous in an instant. He had no clue what exactly ILYSB was supposed to mean, but he wanted to find out. Anxiousness was paired with intrigue and the only way to satisfy both of those cravings (because that was what those feelings were, strangely enough) was to listen to whatever Otabek had sent him.

Yuri quickly went into his room and got his headphones, a pair Otabek had bought him for his birthday the previous year. Ever since Yuri had gotten those headphones, he watched movies and listened to music only with them on. The sound was just so much better. Something inside him also told Yuri to grab Otabek’s teddy bear, the very one he had taken out of the black storage box it was in the day he had been found by Victor and Yuuri, broken down on his bedroom floor. As soon as he was back in the living room, he almost crashed on the sofa, disturbing Potya in the process and making her growl at him for a second or two.

Quickly apologising to her by petting her behind her ears, Yuri then reached out for his headphones and put them on, simultaneously clicking on the file Otabek had sent.

Yuri didn’t know at all what he had actually expected, but hearing Otabek’s voice in his ears was definitely not it. His body reacted immediately by filling his eyes with tears without him having any kind of control over it. Yuri’s eyelids fell shut and his hand covered his mouth in shock.

_“Ain't never felt this way, Can't get enough so stay with me  
It's not like we got big plans, Let's drive around town holding hands”_

Sinking down to the floor between the sofa and the coffee table, Yuri clutched Otabek’s teddy bear to his chest as tightly as he could, his knuckles turning white and his muscles stretched to exhaustion.

_“And you need to know you're the only one, alright  
And you need to know that you keep me up all night”_

Yuri’s heart was racing at a speed he was sure he had never quite experienced that way before. It made him not only uneasy but even more nervous than he already was.

_“My heart hurts so good, I love you, babe, so bad  
My heart hurts so good, I love you, babe, so bad”_

For a short moment Yuri thought his entire world had stopped in its tracks. Everything around him was suddenly blackened, only the music in his ears important enough to reach his conscience. Yuri felt his heart skip a beat, and another, and then yet another.

_“Mad cool in all my clothes, Mad warm when you get close... to me  
Slow dance these summer nights, Our disco ball's my kitchen light”_

With his breathing aligning itself to the speed of his heartbeat, Yuri finally noticed how the tears were rushing down his cheeks, finding leverage in his shirt and the teddy bear that his arms were still wrapped around. He thought about the weeks he had spent in Almaty during the off-season and the way he had danced with Otabek on New Year’s Eve, his face now wet everywhere his tears could fell.

_“And you need to know that nobody could take your place  
And you need to know that I'm hella obsessed with your face”_

The memories from the night he looked at the photo of himself, Otabek and his grandpa, came flooding back to him. The way he had felt then, completely distraught and broken, was similar to how he felt now, just as distraught and just as broken… but for a very different reason.

  _“My heart hurts so good, I love you, babe, so bad  
My heart hurts so good, I love you, babe, so bad”_

Yuri desperately wished Otabek was in the apartment with him right then, next to him, his hands clinging to the Kazakh’s back and his own thin lips crushed against the older man’s full ones.

_“And you need to know you're the only one, alright  
And you need to know that you keep me up all night”_

Sobbing uncontrollably, Yuri realised for the first time how irrational and stupid he had been, and how much he had screwed up.

 _“My heart hurts so good, I love you, babe, so bad_  
_My heart hurts so good, I love you, babe, so bad_  
 _Oh, my heart hurts... so bad…”_

By the end of the song, Yuri began to understand that not only did he love Otabek, Otabek actually loved him as well. Why, Yuri couldn’t tell to save his life, but suddenly it didn’t even seem to matter anymore.

Ezra, Mila, Victor and Yuuri had all said they were sure that Otabek was crazy about him, yet Yuri had never let himself believe it. Now, hearing Otabek’s own voice saying those words Yuri had longed to hear for so long, everything had changed.

**_Wednesday, 15 th February, St. Petersburg, 12.32pm_ **

Yuri would never actually admit it, probably not even really to himself, but he felt fragile and weak… in the most amazing way he would’ve never anticipated. He had ended up listening to Otabek’s song on repeat for another few hours, just basking in the knowledge that he was loved by someone else other than his grandpa, before he had passed out on the couch utterly exhausted from crying. Yuri didn’t even care when he woke up in the morning, his body all stiff and aching from the uncomfortable positions he had rested in on the floor overnight.

Throughout morning practice Yuri hadn’t been able to wipe that stupid grin off his face and he was perfectly aware of everyone else at the rink eyeing him suspiciously. He knew that seeing him smiling was probably close to another world wonder for most of them since his usual annoyed and angry scowl was more the version of him they were used to. Yakov for his part didn’t seem to care enough to ask Yuri what was up with him, or he just didn’t want to know, while Mila apparently couldn’t hold herself back anymore when they took a break for lunch.

“Okay, spit it out, Yuri. What’s going on?” she said as soon as they had both left the ice and sat down on a bench, straddling it and facing each other.

Instead of answering her, Yuri got out his phone and a pair of his old headphones that he used when he was out and about. He quickly flicked through a seemingly endless amount of apps on the screen of his mobile before he handed the headphones over to Mila.

“Do you care to explain?” she asked, taking the headphones from him and holding them up in the air, silently asking what Yuri wanted to show her.

“Just listen already,” Yuri shot back. He had intended it to have some bite to it, but the smile on his face just didn’t allow for it. It was starting to irritate himself.

Mila raised one eyebrow and then put the earphones in. Yuri clicked play and then sat back to watch her while she listened to the song Otabek had sent him the day before.

Mila’s eyes went open wide and Yuri assumed that she had just picked up on the fact that it was actually Otabek singing. Only a few moments later, Mila averted her eyes from Yuri. Her hands were resting flat on the bench between her legs, her gaze fixed on them.

Yuri’s smile vanished from one second to the next. He didn’t know how he should categorize Mila’s behaviour. She was sitting completely still and Yuri was starting to get worried. It was very unlike Mila not to tease him, and teasing him was exactly what Yuri had thought she would be doing.

He was just about to reach out and tap her on the shoulder to get her attention when he saw a single tear drop down on the bench. Was Mila crying? And if so, _why_ was she crying? What was happening?

Yuri was starting to panic a little bit. He had no idea what he was supposed to be doing. As much as he had been crying over the past few months and people had been consoling him, he had no idea how to make others feel better when they were upset. Yuri was fidgeting in his seat, unsure about what to do.

Before he had to figure that out, Mila removed the headphones from her ears and smiled at him, her cheeks wet. She wiped the last stray tears away and scooted closer to Yuri, wrapping her arms around him. Mila had a tendency to do that a lot. Luckily for her, she was one of only a handful of people Yuri could tolerate touching him.

“This is what love is all about, Yuri,” she mumbled into his neck, one of her hands patting his hair. “It’s when you’re wrapped in complete darkness, yet someone still thinks you’re the brightest star in the sky.”

Mila squeezed him one more time before she retreated again to give Yuri some space.

Staring at her, Yuri felt like he was completely frozen in place. He heard Mila sniffing and then bounced back almost immediately.

Yuri was unable to stop himself before he asked, “Did you get that from a postcard?”

Mila chuckled whole-heartedly and shook her head, her red hair flying softly around her face. Yuri had noticed it many times before in moments like these, Mila was gorgeous and if he didn’t think of her as a sister, he would probably have the biggest crush ever on her.

“No,” she eventually replied.

“Sara?” Yuri asked next, to which Mila only nodded.

As close as Yuri and Mila were, they rarely talked about Mila’s relationship with Sara. Admittedly Yuri had lost track of where their relationship was at on many occasions in the past. Thinking about it just then, he didn’t even know if they actually were a couple. It was complicated to say the least.

Yuri just began to actually consider what Mila had said to him, when his phone vibrated, the screen lighting up with a whatsapp message from Victor.

 **Victor:** _Skype tomorrow at 3pm your time! Work through lunch and show Yakov this text if he won’t let you go home early.  
_**Victor:** _Talk to you tomorrow, Yurioooooooo!_

“Now isn’t that just great?” Yuri sighed, his voice dripping with sarcasm before he put his phone back down, a small smile curling around his lips again when he looked back at Mila.

**_Thursday, 16 th February, Seoul, 7.29am_ **

**Otabek:** _Happy 23rd birthday, gorgeous!_  
**Otabek:** _I wish I could celebrate with you but we’ll make up for it once I’m back next week. Make sure the others spoil you rotten today. Love you!_

 **Asel:** _Thank you, love! We need to get drunk as soon as you’re back. Love you too, douchebag! <3_  
**Asel:** _You better bring home that gold or you’ll have to buy your own booze._

**_Thursday, 16 th February, Seoul, 9.01pm_ **

“Yurio,” Victor said as soon as he saw Yuri’s face appear on the screen of Yuuri’s laptop.

“What do you want?” Yuri deadpanned immediately.

Yuuri couldn’t help but smile at the younger boy when he waved at him from his place next to Victor. “How are you doing?” he asked, hoping that the blonde was feeling a little better than he had during the days before him and Victor had left for Seoul.

Yuri took a deep breath and rolled his eyes, but it was easy to see through his mask of indifference. Smirking back, Yuuri didn’t take it personally when Yuri didn’t answer his question, instead saying, “Again, what do you two want?”

“Now now,” Victor then said, raising a finger but the smile on his face betrayed him. “There’s no need to get angry, my dear.”

“I’m missing practice because of this, so spit it out already,” Yuri almost growled back, once again fooling no one.

Yuuri studied him a little more closely through the screen. Obviously it wasn’t as easy to tell anything based on the less than decent quality of the picture, but Yuuri thought the blonde seemed a lot more relaxed. The dark circles under his eyes weren’t as prominent anymore and he didn’t look as tired as he did before. Yuuri took all of that as a good sign.

“We’ve seen Otabek a few times in the last few days,” Yuuri began before Victor chimed in, “and we were wondering if you have decided yet whether or not you’re coming out here tomorrow?”

Both, Yuuri and Victor, watched Yuri intently. He was clearly still undecided. Maybe all he needed was a little nudge in the right direction.

“Do you want to come?” Yuuri asked.

“Yes,” was the immediate answer from Yuri, “but I shouldn’t.”

Frowning at that, Victor wanted to know what was holding Yuri back. “Why not?”

Yuri licked his lips once, his eyes turned away from the screen and Yuuri only then noticed Otabek’s teddy bear sitting slightly behind the blonde on the bed. He smiled before he realised he did it.

“I don’t want to distract Beka from his performances,” Yuri eventually confessed his reason for why he thinks he should not fly out to Seoul, but Victor wouldn’t have any of it.

“How about you have some faith in Otabek’s talent and trust that he will skate his best regardless of whether or not you’re here?” the silver-haired man asked, surprising not only Yuri back in St. Petersburg but also Yuuri next to him. Both of them were staring at him like he had just spoken in Hindi or something.

Victor picked up on the silence, looking back and forth between the two of them and asking, “what?”

Yuuri was the first one to snap out of it by shaking his head and returning his attention to Yuri on the laptop. “Trust me, Yurio. Otabek wants you here.”

Yuri sighed and then thankfully gave in, at least a tiny little bit. “I’ll think about it,” he said, and it was clear that those were his final words on the subject. It was more than Yuuri had hoped to get out of him, so he let himself be happy with just that.

**_Friday, 17 th February, Seoul, 10.48pm_ **

In the end Otabek had absolutely no reason to complain about his short program, even though Yuri hadn’t been there after all. A tiny part of him had clung to the hope that Yuri would show up despite everything that had happened between them since New Year’s Eve, or Vancouver actually. Otabek had been the 23rd skater (out of 26) to perform his short program. Technically Yuri could’ve made it in time, even despite the long flight and the time difference, but apparently he had decided to stay in St. Petersburg.

Otabek had thought that if anything the song he had sent Yuri on Valentine’s Day would’ve finally done the trick. On the contrary it seemed that nothing would ever get through Yuri’s thick skull. Maybe Ezra had been right when he had come back from Sheffield, maybe Yuri really was in his own head after all, and Otabek just couldn’t find a way to get in.

He had been desperate for a shower ever since he had stepped out of the rink earlier. Back in his hotel room he had just wanted to pass out on his bed and not move again until the next morning, but the thought of hot water relaxing his aching muscles was too tempting to ignore it. Otabek had stood under the shower head for at least twenty minutes when he could finally force his body to move again and go to bed. He dried himself off, the surprisingly soft towel gracing over his skin gently, and put his dark grey sweatpants and a loose white t-shirt on. With his hair still wet, he re-entered the bedroom, little drops of water falling onto the rough carpet underneath his bare feet.

Otabek got one of his three books out of his suitcase and flopped down on the bed, switching the lamp on the nightstand on and the room lights off as soon as he was settled.

He had just flipped through the pages to where he had stopped reading the last time, when he heard a knock on the door. Otabek hadn’t ordered any room service, so he figured the only options as to who wanted something from him now were Leo, JJ, Victor or Yuuri, all of them probably tempted to ask him to go out with them since they had the next day off before the free skate on Sunday.

All evening long Otabek had tried to make his peace with the fact that he wouldn’t get to see the one person he was absolutely desperate to wrap his arms around, until he would leave Seoul on Monday morning. When he opened his room door, it was the strangest turn of events however seeing exactly that person now standing right in front of him, a suitcase by their side and a black hoodie up over their head, hiding most of the golden blonde mane underneath it.

“Yura,” was all Otabek managed to choke out when he looked into the deep blue-green eyes that were staring back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter...


	15. Come On, I Love You Like That.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otabek comes to understand Yuri a little more, while Yuri makes some slow progress. All that matters to both of them is each other though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe we're at the end already... *poutssadly* To be fair, I honestly didn't think I would get this far in the first place, but now we're here, so please enjoy a final angst-filled chapter for the 5th story in this series! 
> 
> Also, thank you for your messages of support and encouragement after the events here in Manchester. It's been a rough week but thankfully writing this provided me with some much appreciated distraction.
> 
> Without further ado, here's the last chapter of this story!

_**Friday, 17th February, Seoul, 10.53pm** _

All of a sudden Otabek lost all sense of time. He had no idea how long he had been standing there with the door handle in one hand and the other one balled into a fist, just staring at the unexpected guest in front of him.

Yuri was really there. He had come out to Seoul after all. The only question that remained was why.

Otabek’s heartbeat had picked up in pace as soon as Yuri had come into his view upon opening the door. His head though was now conflicted over him being there. He couldn’t deny that he was incredibly happy to see Yuri. It had been thirty-three days since he had been forced to leave him behind at the airport in St. Petersburg. When those thoughts, those memories, of Yuri breaking down in the departure hall came rushing back, doubt clouded Otabek’s mind. Yuri had texted him eventually, saying he missed him, but what if that was all there was to it?

It was strange, Otabek hadn’t really thought about it before. He had just been happy to hear from Yuri. He hadn’t considered the implications of the text message or what Yuri actually wanted from him, from _them_.

Now Yuri stood right in front of him. The long blonde hair hidden underneath a black hoodie that covered Yuri’s head, a worn-out leather jacket similar to Otabek’s own, draped over his shoulders with a leopard print scarf wrapped around his neck. One of Yuri’s hands was holding on to the small suitcase on his side, the other one buried in his jacket’s pocket. The look in his eyes was impossible to read.

“Yura,” Otabek said again, slowly and quietly. Yuri’s facial expression didn’t change. He didn’t even flinch.

“Can we just go to sleep please?” Yuri asked, his voice hoarse and tired.

Otabek had still been staring but he snapped out of it as soon as Yuri spoke up. He stepped aside and held the door open for Yuri to come inside. Otabek still had trouble understanding was actually happening, why Yuri was there or what he was supposed to be doing.

Yuri dropped his suitcase next to the desk on the far side of the room. He rid himself of his jacket, hoodie and scarf, before he wordlessly got his toothbrush, a pair of knee-length sweatpants and a shirt out of his bag. Otabek watched his retreating back as he disappeared into the bathroom.

When Yuri stepped back out again with his clothes changed and his hair loose around his shoulders, Otabek was already sitting on the bed. He didn’t know what Yuri expected of him, so he had sat down on one side of the bed, giving Yuri as much room as he possibly could.

Yuri for his part slowly sat down on the other side of the bed with his back Otabek. He grabbed his hair and tied it into a braid over his right shoulder. Otabek knew he shouldn’t be watching him. The atmosphere in the room was too awkward as it was already, but he couldn’t stop himself. He hadn’t seen Yuri in so long and the fact that he was there with him now seemed unreal.

Carefully lying down on his side, still facing away from Otabek, Yuri covered himself with the duvet. He stayed quiet and Otabek hated every second of the silence between them. However, the urge not to spook Yuri was greater than his desperation to talk to and touch Yuri. The only important thing was that Yuri was there. He would find out soon enough why the blonde had made the long trip in the end.

Otabek sighed almost inaudibly and turned the bedside lamp off. He turned on his side away from the edge of the bed and towards Yuri, but he didn’t move any closer to him. Giving Yuri the space he so obviously wanted, Otabek couldn’t stop himself from reaching his hand out. His fingers came to a halt just before they touched Yuri’s hair. It was that moment then, seeing Yuri so close to him while it still felt like he was miles away, that the first tear made its way down his cheek before it disappeared into the pillow.

He tried as hard as he could but it was impossible to hold back. There was no way that Yuri was already asleep, Otabek was sure of it even though he couldn’t see his face. Otabek’s breathing was ragged and the strength he had to muster up to stop himself from sobbing almost made him choke. He detracted his hand from just behind Yuri’s head and rolled over on his back.

Suddenly everything became too much, too overwhelming. Otabek closed his eyes and pressed the palms of his hands against them. He had wanted to see Yuri, desperately so, but now that he was there right next to him and not saying anything, Otabek realised that he hadn’t thought about what he wished would happen when he did see Yuri again. He hadn’t thought about what he was hoping Yuri would do or say to him. 

Otabek forced himself to calm down. With his hands firmly covering his eyes, all he could feel was the mattress underneath him moving. Before he could even begin to acknowledge that it was Yuri causing those movements, Yuri had grabbed his wrist and pulled his arm around his shoulders. The blonde buried his face in the crook of Otabek’s neck and placed a hand just underneath Otabek’s ear, his thumb gently caressing his cheek. While Yuri tangled one of his legs between his, Otabek finally opened his eyes and wrapped his left arm around Yuri’s upper body, pulling him closer. There were no sounds coming from Yuri but the wetness Otabek felt on his neck betrayed him. Yuri was crying as well.

He held on tight, relishing in the comfort of Yuri’s familiar frame pressed against him. It all just felt so good, so incredibly right. It was exactly that what Otabek really wanted, he now understood. He wanted Yuri, not just to see him, but to be with him.

It hadn’t been long since Otabek had promised himself that he would do whatever Yuri would ask of him, be it being his friend, his boyfriend or nothing at all, but now Otabek couldn’t even hold himself to that promise anymore. He wanted to be with Yuri in every aspect imaginable. Simply being his friend, or worse, not even that, would simply not be enough. Loving Yuri didn’t allow for any other possibility other than being able to touch him, kiss him and cherish him as his boyfriend.

Yuri eventually let his lips ghost over the soft skin on Otabek’s neck for a few short seconds, in the end kissing Otabek where he was most sensitive, before he rested his head on the older man’s shoulder. Otabek responded by pulling him half on top of him and pressing a lingering kiss to Yuri’s temple.

Their breathing evened out soon enough and Otabek held on to Yuri as much as he could as if to say… _I’m here, and I’m not letting you go ever again_.

**_Saturday, 18 th February, Seoul, 7.57am_ **

Surprisingly, Yuri woke up the next morning in almost the exact same position he had been in when he fell sleep just hours earlier. He was sprawled half over Otabek’s muscular body, his right arm loosely hanging around Otabek’s waist and his head on Otabek’s chest.

Yuri was comfortable and relaxed, he hadn’t felt this content since New Year’s Day when he had woken up to Otabek stroking his hair and smiling at him.

Noticing that Otabek’s chest rose and fell regularly, Yuri slowly lifted his head and looked up. Otabek’s left hand was resting next to his body on the mattress while his right hand was buried in Yuri’s hair. Otabek’s eyes were still, his hair a soft and silky mess on his head that Yuri was tempted to make even more unruly. Instead he reached up with one arm to gently caress Otabek’s cheek again. Yuri just stared at him for a moment, overwhelmed by a warm feeling in his chest when his eyes gazed at Otabek’s still smooth skin, his long black eyelashes, his perfectly formed nose and prominent jaw, his nicely shaped eyebrows and his slightly flushed cheeks.

That warm feeling inside him suddenly turned too hot. Seeing Otabek so vulnerable, being in his arms and waking up with their bodies pressed against each other; Yuri couldn’t shake the abrupt sense of worthlessness that was rushing through him.

From one second to the next, that feeling of not being good enough for Otabek, for someone who, in his eyes, was the personification of perfection, made Yuri feel sick. Without another thought, Yuri freed himself out of Otabek’s embrace and pushed himself off the mattress. He rushed over to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. If Otabek hadn’t awoken from Yuri leaving the bed, he most definitely had now.

Yuri though didn’t have the energy to be worried about that. He got on his knees in front of the toilet and started gagging, but his stomach was already empty. His throat hurt from retching nothingness and his eyes started to water. Soon enough Yuri heard knocks on the door and Otabek’s voice travelling through it, asking if he was okay.

Everything was too much, Yuri told himself. Everything. Him coming to Seoul had been a mistake, him giving Otabek hope had been mistake and him selfishly spending the night in Otabek’s room had been a mistake.

Agonisingly slowly, Yuri got up from the cold floor to rinse his mouth. His face was wet from tears he hadn’t even been aware of until he washed his face. Reaching out for the towel next to the sink, he dried his face and contemplated what he should do next.

He knew Otabek was waiting for him in the next room, and there was no other way out. It would have been best if Yuri had bothered to be quiet so Otabek would not have woken up, but there wasn’t anything Yuri could do now to change that. He had to face the other man, even if he didn’t want to.

Yuri took a deep breath before he opened the bathroom door to find Otabek sitting on the edge of the bed. He tried his hardest not to look at him by going over to his suitcase instead. Yuri put on a pair of socks and slipped into his shoes. Not even caring about the fact that he was still in his sweatpants and an old t-shirt, Yuri threw his clothes from the previous day on top of everything else and zipped the suitcase shut. He knew Otabek was watching him, and just knowing that caused goose bumps to spread over seemingly every patch of skin on his body.

“What are you doing?” Otabek suddenly asked while Yuri was still crouching on the floor and hovering over his suitcase. Judging by the closeness of Otabek’s voice, Yuri assumed that he had gotten up from the bed and stood right behind him now.

“I’m sorry, Beka,” Yuri mumbled, barely more than a whisper, “I should leave.”

With that Yuri raised himself off the floor. He grabbed the handle of his suitcase and moved towards the door, leaving Otabek on his own standing next to the bed.

“You are kidding me, right?” Otabek choked out exasperated, causing Yuri to cringe just at the sound of his voice. “Why do you keep doing this, Yura? What am I doing wrong?”

That last question hurt Yuri more than he could have ever anticipated. He felt horrible for making Otabek think that it was him who had done something to upset Yuri, when in reality it was the exact opposite. Yuri was the one who kept screwing this up, whatever _this_ was between them. He hated that Otabek apparently thought that he was the problem, and not Yuri.

“Nothing,” Yuri eventually said, stopping in his tracks just before he reached the door. He didn’t turn around when he continued. “You’re doing nothing wrong. You’re… perfect,” he explained, his voice husky and broken, before he admitted, “You’re all I could ever ask for.”

Yuri knew that Otabek wouldn’t push him, at least not physically, which was confirmed just a moment later when Otabek’s voice was still as far away as it had been before. “Then why are you rushing out of here? I’m willing to give you whatever you want. Let me… Please.”

The despair that was so obvious in Otabek’s words, made Yuri’s heart clench. He wanted to let Otabek in, but something inside him made him think that he just couldn’t.

“I can’t do that,” Yuri said, still not turning around. “You should be with someone who actually deserves you.”

It all made sense to Yuri. Otabek was out of his league, he should never be burdened with someone like Yuri in his life. Otabek had to hold out for someone who was on his level, his greatness. Yuri was convinced that person simply wasn’t him.

“What is that even supposed to mean?” Otabek asked, “ _I_ think I should be with you. That’s all that matters to me. I want to be with you, Yura, only you.”

Why wouldn’t Otabek understand what Yuri was doing? Yuri was giving him a way out, a way out of feeling like he was somehow responsible for Yuri or that he owed him something. Otabek clearly didn’t get that Yuri was just trying to make this easier on both of them. End things for good before they both got more involved, only to fall even harder once reality would hit them.

Eventually Yuri did turn around. He was still holding on to his suitcase and he kept avoiding Otabek’s eyes, while he stood glued to his spot close to the door when he spoke up next. “I’m not good enough for you, Beka. Why would you want to be with someone like me?”

Yuri despised the needy and desperate words that crossed his lips. He didn’t want Otabek to see how hard this was for him or how much he was fighting his own feelings that were the exact opposite of what Yuri tried to make Otabek believe.

“Because,” Otabek then said, sighing deeply, “I’m in love with you, okay? I love you, you stupid, idiot kitten!” Yuri had less than a second to catch on to what Otabek had just said to him when he looked up at him, before Otabek continued. “I know I should have said it sooner. Maybe all of this madness wouldn’t have happened if I had. I’m sorry, Yura, I really am. I know this is all my fault and there’s nothing I can do to change that now, but I mean it. I’m in love with you and I have been for a long time, even before I had finally realised it.”

No chance to comprehend that Otabek was seriously blaming himself for all the shit that _Yuri_ had put them through, Yuri couldn’t take his eyes off Otabek now, even though the broken man in front of him made him feel even more horrible than he already did.

“Keep pushing me away if you think that’s what you need to do,” Otabek told him, his eyes fixed on Yuri’s just as much as Yuri’s were on his. “But I want you to understand that there is nothing you can possibly do to change the way I feel about you. Whatever it is you want from me when you leave this room, I’ll do it but right now I wish you would just come over here and…”

Yuri’s mind went completely blank as soon as his lips touched Otabek’s. He couldn’t remember the second he let go of his suitcase, rushed over to where Otabek stood near the bed and put his hands on the sides of Otabek’s face, guiding their lips toward each other.

The kiss quickly turned desperate and needy, open-mouthed and frantic, when Yuri felt one of Otabek’s hands in his hair at the back of his head and the other one just above the curve of his butt, pulling him closer. It wasn’t long before they had to break apart to catch their breaths. With their foreheads touching and both of their eyes closed, Otabek finally completed the sentence that Yuri had eagerly interrupted before. “…kiss me.”

Yuri was crying yet again, completely overwhelmed by everything Otabek had said to him, confessed to him.

“Don’t ever leave me,” Yuri whispered and begged, “please…”

Otabek responded by wrapping his arms around him even more. Yuri hid his face in the crook of Otabek’s neck, silent tears still falling from his eyes, and his arms around Otabek’s shoulders, while Otabek pressed countless kisses to his temple, clearly unwilling to let go of him.

Yuri had no idea how long they had been standing there like that, clinging to each other. He was exhausted, the constant emotional turmoil he had been in over the past weeks finally catching up to him now that he let himself truly relax in Otabek’s arms for the first time since the incident at the club.

It seemed like Otabek was picking up on it as well, as Yuri’s body went a little slack in his embrace. Yuri could feel Otabek’s hands on the back of his thighs lifting him up. Yuri’s legs flung around Otabek’s hips on reflex while Otabek carried him over to the bed before he carefully placed him on the mattress. Quickly reaching out for the older man, Yuri didn’t want to break physical contact between them. His mind thought that if he did, Otabek would leave.

To Yuri’s surprise, he didn’t. All Otabek did was take Yuri’s shoes off before he lay down next to him, wrapping him up in his arms once again.

Yuri didn’t know what was going on with him. On the one hand, he was so convinced that if he stayed with Otabek, nothing good would come of it, that he would hurt Otabek sooner or later. On the other hand, Yuri was desperate to stay with him, hold on to him and not let anyone or anything else come between them. It was a paradox Yuri couldn’t figure out. He didn’t know why his head was so conflicted over what it truly was that he wanted. The only thing that had never changed was the fact that he was deeply in love with Otabek.

**_Saturday, 18 th February, Seoul, 10.04am_ **

Yuri showing up at his hotel room had so far only created more confusion rather than any kind of understanding. Right now that didn’t matter at all though as Yuri’s lithe body was curled up in front of Otabek, the blonde’s back glued to his chest. With his hands underneath his head, Yuri was resting peacefully, his breathing strong and even.

Because he was unable to resist, Otabek pushed some of Yuri’s hair away to reveal his bare neck. Yuri was lying on his left side, which meant that Otabek’s lips were currently chastely hovering over Yuri’s exposed skin over his right shoulder. With the back of a couple of his fingers, he stroked the side of Yuri’s neck carefully when Yuri all of a sudden gasped and hurled forward out of his reach, his limbs almost flying all over the place because he was in such a hurry to get away from Otabek.

Startled by Yuri’s strong reaction, Otabek didn’t even think to go after him and when he saw Yuri cowering on the other side of the king-sized bed, his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms around his legs, Otabek was glad he didn’t. He probably would have made the situation only worse.

Yuri wasn’t looking at him, instead he was hiding his face in the crook of his arm. He was obviously distraught over something to elicit such a reaction out of him, Otabek just didn’t know what it was.

“What’s going on, Yura?” he asked, kneeling on the mattress and sitting back on the heels of his feet.

When Yuri didn’t answer, Otabek was left with no other choice but to take a shot. He crawled over to Yuri and closed the small distance between them. He then kneeled in front of Yuri and stroked his hair gently, which eventually encouraged Yuri to lift his head to look at him.

Yuri wasn’t crying but Otabek couldn’t ignore the panic in his eyes. Whatever it was that made Yuri jump before, troubled him deeply, and that didn’t just worry Otabek, it also made him angry. He didn’t want to see Yuri like this and he hated that he was so powerless to help him.

Otabek brushed some strands of golden hair behind Yuri’s ears and leaned forward to place a kiss on his forehead. “Did I do something wrong?” he asked the same question that Yuri had negated earlier, but this time he just couldn’t shake the feeling that he really did do something that made Yuri uncomfortable.

It wasn’t just the same question though, it was also pretty much the same answer.

“No,” Yuri said, slightly shaking his head.

“Then what is it, Yura? Why are you so upset?” Otabek wanted to know, the desperation in his voice undeniably audible.

Yuri let his legs fall to the side and stretched them out flat on the mattress so they were on either side of Otabek, where the older man was still kneeling right in front of him. “It’s just,” Yuri began, “my right shoulder…”

He trailed off and Otabek watched as Yuri pulled all of his hair over said shoulder, covering every last bit of skin there. Yuri held on the ends of his hair, pulling even, which was obvious by the way his head tilted to the side. Otabek reached over slowly and stilled Yuri’s hand with his own. Yuri’s fingers let go almost instantly and Otabek kept hold of his hand.

Giving Yuri all the time he needed, Otabek stayed quiet and simply waited for the blonde to explain whatever it was that was on his mind. His patience was soon rewarded when Yuri’s voice echoed in his ears again.

“When your hand was on my neck,” Yuri said, squeezing Otabek’s hand in his, “I was suddenly back at the club.”

Not really understanding what Yuri meant by that, Otabek just asked, “what do you mean?”

Yuri swallowed visibly before he let his eyes fall toward their entwined fingers. Otabek hoped that seeing their hands together like that was proof enough to Yuri that he had no intention of leaving him alone.

“That guy at the club,” Yuri began once more, “he came up behind me. His hand was on my throat and his fingers grabbed my chin, forcing my face to turn to the side.” It was so obvious, so painfully obvious, how hard this was Yuri, telling him for the first time what had actually happened that night. “I could feel his breath in my right ear. He said I was… I was such a pretty boy and… he asked me if I liked it,” Yuri choked, trying to take a deep breath. “When he put his hand down the front of my jeans, he licked my neck and groaned. Both of his hands, the one on my throat and… and the other one were pulling me back into his chest and I… I just gave up.”

There was one single tear rolling down Yuri’s cheek, and while Otabek was ought to feel horrible about what had happened, and he actually did, the bigger part inside him was just angry. He was furious because he didn’t understand how anyone could do something like this. He had thought about what Yuri had gone through ever since Katsuki had called him to tell him about it, and he got mad every single time, but this now, hearing it from Yuri himself, this was so much worse than anything he could have ever imagined.

Yuri was clearly still in pain, and Otabek also hated himself for asking him to relive it all again just now. The absolute worst part though was that there was absolutely nothing he could do to make this whole situation any better for Yuri.

Otabek reached up with his other hand and cautiously placed two fingers under Yuri’s chin. He moved slowly to give Yuri a chance to move away in case that was what he wanted to do, but Yuri didn’t flinch. Otabek lifted his chin and studied his eyes for a second, fury ablaze deep inside his stomach when he saw the sadness in the deep blue-green ocean that was Yuri’s eyes.

“I love you,” Otabek said, almost choking on his own ragged breath, “and I hate that this happened to you. I wish I could make it better, I wish I could make it all go away.” Yuri sniffed briefly, but his eyes didn’t leave Otabek’s. “Please don’t push me away anymore, Yura. I can’t be without you, not after everything that has happened.”

Much to his surprise it was Yuri then who stretched out a hand and caressed his cheek, his brows furrowed and one corner of his mouth lifted slightly. “I’m just going to end up hurting you,” Yuri whispered sadly, “even when I don’t intend to. I can’t stand to see you hurt and me being the cause of it all the time.”

Yuri’s hand was still at the side of his face and Otabek leaned into the touch, cherishing every second of it because he was so damn afraid that it would be the last time he would ever get the chance to be this close to Yuri. He couldn’t hold back his tears anymore, when Yuri took his hand back at the same time he untwined his other one from Otabek’s.

“Please don’t,” Otabek sobbed, “don’t do this, Yura.”

There was nothing he could do other than watch Yuri get up from the bed and move to stand next to it. When it looked like Yuri was about to actually leave, Otabek leaned forward on the bed, his hands braced against the mattress and his head hung low, eyes firmly directed downward.

For a few moments, he couldn’t bring himself to watch Yuri walk out of that room, but then he felt Yuri’s hands on his again. In an instant Otabek’s tear-stained eyes shot up to look at Yuri, who was now grabbing his hands and urging him to get off the bed, which Otabek did without a second thought.

They stood in front of each other, curious hands brushing away tears on both faces and pushing hair back out of the way.

“I’m not okay, Beka, and I don’t know yet if I’ll ever be again,” Yuri then confessed, more tears escaping his eyes. Otabek had a feeling that Yuri hadn’t actually admitted that to anyone yet, least of all probably himself. “But I love you. I love you so much, and I can’t imagine my life without you in it,” the blonde said, and Otabek thought his heart was about to give out at that moment.

He had heard Yuri say those words back at the airport in St. Petersburg, but he hadn’t actually addressed him back then, and Otabek had ended up thinking that Yuri had just said them because he had been upset. The possibility that Yuri had actually meant what he said, even then, had never really crossed Otabek’s mind, but now Yuri had said it again. He had said that he loved Otabek.

“I want nothing more than to be with you,” Yuri continued, “but I’m so, _so_ scared of hurting you. I’m afraid I will just break your heart over and over again.”

The sound of Yuri’s voice was raw and filled with despair, and Otabek didn’t want to hear it anymore.

“I don’t care,” he responded, “break it as often as you have to. No one’s ever had the right to do that before. It was only ever yours to break in the first place.”

The last word had barely left his mouth before Yuri leaned forward and pressed their lips together again. They were both still crying, but neither one of them cared. What counted was what they felt toward each other. Neither one of them could deny it anymore, the only other person that truly mattered stood right in front of them just then.

When they broke apart, Otabek didn’t let go of Yuri. He held on so tight that not a single breath could pass between them.

“I’m a lot of work,” Yuri said with their foreheads touching and his lips only a few millimetres away from Otabek’s, but before he could say anything else Otabek interrupted him swiftly.

“You’re worth the effort,” he replied, instantly kissing Yuri again.

It was clearly not the first time they had kissed, but to Otabek it certainly felt like the first time. It was so urgent and desperate, like he needed Yuri this close to him to survive, like Yuri was the one who provided him with the air he needed to breathe.

“I love you,” he said again, mumbled against Yuri’s lips, and he couldn’t deny how good it felt to not just say it out loud but to say it out loud to Yuri.

Up until he had met Yuri, the entire concept of love had always been rather foreign to him. He thought he had been in love before but when he had slowly realised that his feelings for Yuri went beyond friendship, he understood that he had had no idea what love was all about.

Now he had Yuri, and regardless of what would happen from now on, Otabek would not let go of him. He would prove to Yuri every single day how much he meant to him, and that there was nothing that would separate them ever again.

He didn’t know how their relationship would evolve as they went forward, but he was certain that they would find a way to make it work, no matter what life was going to throw in their path.

The only thing that Otabek needed to know to feel hopeful was what Yuri said yet again, when their flushed faces leaned away from each other for the briefest of moments.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it got quite cheesy toward the end but I live for this stuff and I really hope that you've enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> In regards to the previous chapter, the song that Otabek recorded with Alisur and Ezra is called "ILYSB" (obviously) by LANY (it's the stripped version I had in mind when I wrote the chapter). Look it up on youtube. It's a brilliant song that will always remind me of Otayuri from now on...
> 
> Sooo, all that's left to say now is a massive thank you to all you amazing people for reading, leaving kudos and continuously writing comments (especially you guys - I see you, believe me!)! Knowing that you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it, means a lot, probably more than you will ever truly know.
> 
> Before I start getting all mushy on you now, here is a promise that the next story will be 90% fluff and only 10% angst. Yuri is clearly not over what happened to him at the club and it will take some time for him to really come to terms with it, but he has enough awesome people around him who are willing to be by his side every step of the way. The next story picks up pretty much where this one leaves off and the format will stay the same as well since there's quite a long period of time to cover (end of Four Continents all the way to the end of Worlds). Anyway, the first chapter of the next story is half written already, so hopefully it won't be too long before I can upload it here. 
> 
> I'm really gonna shut up now. Thanks again. You guys are amazing. <3


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